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10/12/2011 c13 8Multiversity
...huh.
10/11/2011 c13 1Draco Dei
the filly sized desk.

-Extremely poor planning, or did Cheerilee assume that he was powerful enough to size-shift, and perhaps even consider the idea that doing so would be a subtle way of helping him fit in better?

Lowering his head, he stared down at the miniature desk.

-Maybe he just didn't think of it? Then again, we have little proof that Cheerilee is a GOOD teacher... I mean covering Cutie-marks to a class with only three students who the lesson was especially applicable to? Or maybe she moved on to interpretation after that?

bow-headed

-I see what you are trying to do here, but I am not QUITE sure if a neologizing (making up a new word) is appropriate in this case. Might just be me.

"IT READS," He cleared his throat, " 'DIAMOND TIARA AND SILVER SPOON ARE OF NO CONCERN TO ME. THEY SHALL HAVE A WARM PLACE IN HELL FOR THEIR MOCKERY.'"

-Saying this is not QUITE the problem, such fates are probably completely within his legitimate purview, and she DID ask him to read it aloud. Perhaps too much information for a young filly, but the REAL problem is that he doesn't seem to have much of a grasp on the concept of proportionate retribution.

"And...and then he said our cutie marks were pointless! And he said Tiara and I would go to Hell forever!"

-If that is indeed the road they are on, and if it can be changed (and given the setting it almost certainly can), then I am not sure I disapprove of him revealing what he did to them, although gentler language MIGHT have produced an equal result in terms of increasing their long-term happiness.

He's…he's killed a student! Oh, Celestia, he killed Scootaloo!"

-While Cheerilee's reaction is understandable (in-character, good writing, etc etc), I wonder, in an intellectual sort of way, how long it will take ponies to stop over-reacting to him killing things. It isn't like he doesn't undo it... falls under the catagory of "minor faux pas" in his specific case, no matter how serious a problem it might be if anyone else was killing someone.

"That's SO cool!"

-Perhaps too much in the OTHER direction, but actually a much more sensible approach to the experience... doesn't do to encourage him though and they shouldn't get any bold ideas about their own mortality (goodness knows they take enough risks already).

"I LIKE SHARING."

-Well, he got something good out of it... not sure if it worked out as a net positive overall...

Pros:

-Possibly scared two otherwise doomed souls straight, al la "A Christmas Carol".

-Honestly communicated the eternal consequences of sin (although I feel I must say the criterion doesn't match with my own theology) to a school-yard full of students in a way they would tend to believe.

-Socialized Death, thus possibly mildly reducing the level of trauma inherent in the trip from body to afterlife for innumerable creatures, pony, and non-pony from now until the end of time.

Cons:

-Traumatized a almost all of the students (Not counting the CMC here, since they found the thing net enjoyable).

-Perhaps rendered the CMC even more reckless.

-If DT and SS's fates are NOT mutable, then telling them might not serve any useful purpose except to warn OTHERS.
10/10/2011 c12 Guest
There was no 'open' or 'closed' sign in the front window, just a locked door and drawn curtains.

-She probably expected to be back before the start of the business day... got detoured by becoming "Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark", as Sun_Tzu phrased it in his review of the series on rpg.net.

"RARITY SAID SHE WAS BUSY. PERHAPS SHE IS TAKING TIME TO COMPLETE HER WORK."

-Oh... wait... she is in her room despairing, not taking over the Underdark.

Twilight peered down at the gems, sifting through them with her telepathy.

-Think you mean "telekinesis".

"Pink…Purple…Blue! These are perfect, Pinwheel!"

-I read that fanfic... the one where Twilight is getting Celestia a present... dunno how it will apply here thought.

Others she pinned to the fabric,

-As someone involved in the jewelry business this makes me wince. Then again, I guess they don't generally show the settings in the show.

"A FROTHING RED SEA, ENTRAILS AND FUR EVERYWHERE -"

-Entrails aren't much involved in beheadings. Is he exhadurating(sp!)?

"Goodness, how can I measure you without touching you?"

A bit of magnification to read the tape accurately from 12 inches, rather than 6 inches away and... when would Rarity actually touch a customer to measure them? She is telekinentic in her work mostly.
10/9/2011 c11 Draco Dei
"PINWHEEL, IF YOU NEED MONEY—" Pale Hoof started

-That sounds like EITHER the only sensible solution, or a REALLY bad idea.

That is the VAGUEST suggestion I have EVER received on the garment!"

-Consider changing "the garment" to "a garment", or maybe rewrite this sentence as "That is your vaguest suggestion yet, and that is saying something!"

"I'm sure they'll turn out fine, Rarity. They just look funny right now because you haven't finished them."

-*Snerk*

So now I have to make six NEW dresses with THEIR designs."

-You mean "five" new dresses with their designs, "plus one for myself".

"LISTEN TO ME. I KNOW WHERE WE CAN GET SOME MONEY. IT IS NOT A PROBLEM."

-Well, from a literary perspective this would tend to mean that Pale Hoof's idea won't be robbing graves recent or historically important enough that anyone will object.

"HELLO, ALICE."

-LOL... She is a massive dragon from beyond the grave... OF COURSE her name is Alice. I mean it only makes sense. [/Sarcasm Mode]... don't change a thing, I love it.

With a long, arching sweep of his scythe, Pale Hoof cut through the ursa's thick, furry neck.

.

.

.

"You cut its head off."

-Some mention of his scythe (or at least the blade) growing to an appropriate length would be nice. Alternatively, something about the head falling off DESPITE the blade barely being long enough to get through the skin.
10/5/2011 c13 14basalisk120
Wow, I'm really loving your story. It's goddamn hilarios at some points, and realy endearing at others. It's writers like you that this site was made for.
10/2/2011 c13 Cerberusx
"I AM MERELY SHARING THE GIFT OF A DELICIOUS LUNCH." Pale Hoof glanced down at the limp, mustard coated body, "THE DEATH IS A SIDE EFFECT."

"I LIKE SHARING."

-

Hilarious is all that comes to mind. So looking forward to more chapters to come. Keep it up!
10/2/2011 c12 Cerberusx
Personally I think Pale Hoof should have skulls, bat wings and cobwebs on his sujt...like Jack Skellington suit, but more cool.
10/2/2011 c11 Cerberusx
Awesome, who doesn't like treasure.
10/2/2011 c10 Cerberusx
Interesting...what if Pale Hoof made Pinwheel immortal...wouldn't she be aloud to touch and kiss him then?
10/2/2011 c9 Cerberusx
The part with Pinwheel's esophagus falling out made me burst out into laugher. This is a great story.
10/2/2011 c8 Cerberusx
Okay I've defiantly seen some of this somewhere before. But I love it none the less. The part with Reaper saying he gave Celestia immortality made me think he would threaten to take it away.
10/2/2011 c7 Cerberusx
Oh my God! You made me laugh so hard when Pinwheel died by Death's kiss of death...XD

But his plans for a romantic date are just as funny! He is really lonely.
10/2/2011 c6 Cerberusx
"WILL THERE BE CHOCOLATE?"

That made me just laugh. This is a very great fanfic you have created. The part with the two story high pile of bones was really funny too. I feel like I read or seen.that somewhere before though...?
10/2/2011 c5 Cerberusx
Awww, that is by far the creepiest type of love ever. But I like it.
10/2/2011 c4 Cerberusx
I'm sure Death would love to play some games...XD
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