Just In
for Lucky number

6/13/2013 c1 100Shizuku Tsukishima749
Aw! That's so cute! I love it! :D Rock on!
9/4/2012 c1 3Alana-kittychan
Lol cute
2/17/2012 c1 50Death101- Fox Version
That was awesome! Especially the reasoning for why Six is his lucky number. Awesome job!

8/22/2011 c1 queenkadma
Brilliant, loved it :D

Fluffy and funny!
8/16/2011 c1 14RandomDraggon
X3 I love it~ so fluffy~
8/16/2011 c1 2Judgment Bear
The concept as a whole has a lot of potential. With a little expansion, this story could probably be a good one. The idea of Rex seeing Six as his hero, and being a tad more open with such thoughts, would make for a nice and fluffy moment.

There are a few things to point out with the story though. The beginning is a tad dull. Dialogue can be hard to open with, so try to make it pack some punch. But there biggest issue was the repetition.

"said Bobo"

"said Callan"

"said Rex"

Try to liven it up a little. Expand on the character. Did Rex smile when he said his line? Crossed his arms? Body language and tell a lot about what a character is feeling/thinking, without really saying it.

Another thing I noticed with Dialogue over all-and normally I don't catch it, is the use of passive voice. While passive voice does have its uses, overuse can make the piece drag or seem uneventful. "'Eight for me,' Callan said", sounds a lot more active, and helps engage the reader.

In the future, description would be a huge help. The scene is hard to imagine the way it is now, and adding a few things can help the reader get an idea of what they're seeing. Is Rex surrounded by a crowd of people? Is there a lot of cheering? What does the track look like, or the horses?

The pacing was a little off as well-things seemed to move to fast without any real transition to help ease the reader in.

Overall, a piece with potential. Work on these issues, and the next piece might really pack a punch.
8/16/2011 c1 17Peacexfreedom
aww, i love fluff/cuteness
8/16/2011 c1 15NaaraHatake
That is so cute!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service