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9/12/2011 c3 llamallamaduck
dude update NOW. i am loving this fanfic!
9/12/2011 c3 llamallamaduck
dude update NOW. i am loving this fanfic!
9/11/2011 c1 fowlfan1298
great plot and good suspense. keep it coming!
9/6/2011 c3 4Silverblazes
THANK YOU! I simply loved this fanfic. You keep us hanging at the edge of our seats. antisipating more and more BRAVO!
9/6/2011 c3 15bannisterroadkill
Good! Artemis was pretty much in character (however, I don't think he would have been annoyed or showed emotion about Rebecca's interpretation of his name). Your tenses were a little wonky.

Otherwise, good, and the storyline is really original - I like it!
9/6/2011 c3 ThEoUtSiDeR
KEEEEEEEPPPPPPP GGGOOOOIIIINNNNNGGGGGGG!
9/4/2011 c2 4Silverblazes
write more !
9/4/2011 c1 Fowlnotfoul
Awesome! Continue by all means. The big person was butler, right? You should write something about him wanting/thinking about using a tranquilizer dart
9/4/2011 c2 5ShadowedPuppeteer
This chapter isn't half as bad as you may have thought it was! Honestly, it was actually quite good, although it didn't really add anything to the story (at least that I can tell at this stage).

You do have the problem again with the paragraphs. It's most obvious in the first, but they are better than last chapter. Although, to be honest, the first paragraph isn't grammatically incorrect; I suppose I'd do it differently because of my personal style. The short sentences, however, don't flow very well. (Also, since the first section is from Artemis' perspective, I don't think he would 'think' in short and/or not-fully-developed sentences unless it were for persuasive impact.)

Kudos to you for thinking about her mobile, though! That was clever. As was remembering that Butler, although loyal to Artemis, does not approve of many of his dealings, that he has always had much more of a conscience than Artemis. It was brilliant to establish their own viewpoints and opinions this soon in the story. :)

Where is this story set? If it's in the UK or Ireland, the number for emergency services is 999, not 911. Also, a bit of discontinuity: "Rebecca was trying to calling the police. Either the giant..." From what I can gather, Rebecca didn't get a look at Butler until he opened the boot. Perhaps a better epithet would have been "her attacker"?

That's all I can really pick out in this chapter. :) I'm looking forward to the next chapter to see what happens!
9/4/2011 c2 Guest
la la LOVE the story so far.
9/3/2011 c2 dodger
dude! you absolutely have to keep going with this! did you see how many exclaimation marks i just used? i only use that many when im totally serious. update right now.
9/3/2011 c2 15bannisterroadkill
Nice flow, characters, etc. I like it!
9/2/2011 c1 5ShadowedPuppeteer
Hi! (I always check out my reviewers profiles. And lucky you, you have a story that sounds interesting! ;) I kid, I kid. I'm not that important. :P)

This was a good chapter. Rebecca is, so far, an interesting character and I'm looking forward to seeing how she develops. She already has demonstrated hints of having a sense of humour. She has an obviously strong survival instinct. But will be be sarcastic or straight-faced?

And, if you don't mind, some constructive criticism. Your paragraphs are a bit... off. (I'm sorry, I can't think of a better word.) Um, I suppose it's because a lot happens in them which stops the story from flowing as well as it could. Also, it seems you have a preference for simple sentences/two simple sentences joined with a conjunction. For example, in the second-last paragraph: "She froze. She instantly knew (blah blah blah)" would have sounded much better, as well as it would have had more tension, if you had replaced the second sentence with her thoughts something along the lines of "Oh no. No, no, no, this is very not good" (... but perhaps not; I watch too much Doctor Who and the Tenth Doctor says things are 'not good' instead of 'bad'), and then had a description of how her heart pounded, her blood ran cold, her muscles tensed, waiting to spring into action. Then "Whoever was in there was for her" could have been its own new paragraph again.

Sorry for the massive chunk of crit... ^^' I ramble a lot. You may have noticed my massive author notes. But paragraphs, if used well, can convey mystery, romance, suspense, fear, anger, confusion... basically anything.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this fic goes! Why did the People want Rebecca kidnapped? Why ask Artemis to do it? Will it turn into an Arty/OC?

Update soon, please! :D
9/2/2011 c1 maddie
yay!keep on writing!
9/1/2011 c1 15bannisterroadkill
Dude! You're just going to leave me hanging? No description, no explanation! Please, I plead, please update!
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