for Monique Luna12/2/2011 c2 i am no one
okay first off i thought it was terrible and that she needs to be able to complete the story before you post it but i cant wait for the end.
okay first off i thought it was terrible and that she needs to be able to complete the story before you post it but i cant wait for the end.
10/9/2011 c1 
21The Lady Cloudy
First off, never start off an OC story with a character form. You should be more creative than that to introduce your character through the story. Also, Monique is very unrealistic. I do know a girl with the last name Luna, but in fanfiction its a good idea to give characters normal names. Monique Luna is a rather Mary-Sueish name, try changing her name.
The fact that she's fourteen and six feet tall is rather unrealistic. The average height for women is 5'4" or 5'5". And white eyes? I can see that being part of a mutation, like how Storm's eyes get when she uses her powers, but it doesn't seem to be part of her powers.
She's overpowered and her multiple powers make no sense together.
21The Lady CloudyFirst off, never start off an OC story with a character form. You should be more creative than that to introduce your character through the story. Also, Monique is very unrealistic. I do know a girl with the last name Luna, but in fanfiction its a good idea to give characters normal names. Monique Luna is a rather Mary-Sueish name, try changing her name.
The fact that she's fourteen and six feet tall is rather unrealistic. The average height for women is 5'4" or 5'5". And white eyes? I can see that being part of a mutation, like how Storm's eyes get when she uses her powers, but it doesn't seem to be part of her powers.
She's overpowered and her multiple powers make no sense together.
10/5/2011 c2 silverstarsofquebec
Your plot itself is okay, but you have a bunch of misplaced words and grammar mistakes, most of the grammar mistakes revolving around these magical things called commas. I'm really nitpicky like that, so it automatically biases me to say your story is bad, but thankfully, it isn't. I feel like Monique's starting the short journey to Mary-Sue-ishness, so try not to make her too overpowered or excessively kind, but other than that, this looks good. I'm going to keep reading :)
Your plot itself is okay, but you have a bunch of misplaced words and grammar mistakes, most of the grammar mistakes revolving around these magical things called commas. I'm really nitpicky like that, so it automatically biases me to say your story is bad, but thankfully, it isn't. I feel like Monique's starting the short journey to Mary-Sue-ishness, so try not to make her too overpowered or excessively kind, but other than that, this looks good. I'm going to keep reading :)