10/7/2011 c1 Asa-Taiyou
Update soon~ Or I might forget like your goldfish did~

9/27/2011 c1 4Lammie
I liked your detailed descriptions which made it easier to imagine the things going on. Right now, I'm wondering where the story is going to head. (Don't worry Matthew, Gilbert likes you anyways~ XD)

Still, I would like to point some things out which are in need of improvement.

Firstly, it would be nice if you added more spaces. The way it is right now it's rather hard to read. You could start a new row every time the speaker or the setting changes. Here's an example of how it could be done (I'll use the first paragraph):

"Oh finally, Alfred! They accepted you! Dear Lord, this is the happiest day of my life~" were the jovial words and happy tones both Alfred and Matthew could hear ever since they received their mail this morning. The sounds of Arthur's satisfied yet surprised voice filled the neighborhood causing everyone to cheer and laugh.

"But aren't ya gonna miss me, Iggy? C'mon I know you'll start weeping about it from the moment I-" came Alfred's voice, enthusiastic as always but interrupted by Arthur's sudden commentary

"Oh, nonsense at least now I can enjoy a nice cup of tea without being drenched in it."

An awful memory for Arthur yet an amazing prank Alfred had once made. Alfred began to whine pulling off a pout yet Arthur merely smirked; however, their argument was interrupted by a fake cough.

"Um, Arthur I-I'm going to College w-with Alfred as well" Matthew said sheepishly, head lowered, eyes dropping to the rug underneath him. He hated his powers of invisibility yet we were all born with something special, right? Arthur narrowed his bushy eyebrows.

"Hm? Oh yes Matthew! Congratulations~ Both of you. Now start packing, you've got an amazing day tomorrow." he exclaimed with a surprisingly happy voice while spinning on his heal and side-commenting a 'So will I' .Both brothers watched the British man disappear into the house.

Additionally to that, you should shorten the sentences a bit. It's hard to follow if they are too long, e.g.

The younger brother glanced towards the American, bright violet eyes gazing at the other blonde's expression, he's never ever seen nervousness on Alfred's face before, as if the man was immune to some sort of disease since he's usually so care-free.'

It sounds better like this:

'The younger brother glanced towards the American, bright violet eyes gazing at the other blonde's expression. He's never ever seen nervousness on Alfred's face before, as if the man was immune to some sort of disease since he's usually so care-free.'

Oh, and you should also pay more attention to punctuation since only few commas were employed, even though they are needed in some more places.

Then, I noticed a few mistakes you made when you used French words. You shouldn't capitalize every 'mon' you use, it's very uncommon to do so.

Furthermore, you wrote 'Mon Cherri', though you probably meant 'mon chéri'.

Another sentence sounded strange as well because Francis used the formal 'vous' to adress his son Matthew instead of the more familial 'tu'. So instead of saying 'Oh Mon Mathieu, pensez-vous que vous serez bien avec Alfred?'

it would be better if you employed this one 'Oh mon Mathieu, penses-tu que tu seras bien avec Alfred?'

Another thing I would like to criticize is your lack of variation concerning your sentence structure. It is noticeable that you start most of your sentence with the subject, as the following example shows.

'Gilbert settled down, unpacking his things. He was told that his roommate was a very entertaining man. He smirked and wondered "I hope he could deal with my overload dose of awesomeness." The Prussian chuckled to himself and looked around the medium sized room, it was a fair room.'

It would sound better like this:

'Gilbert settled down, unpacking his things. Having been told that his roommate was a very entertaining man, he smirked and wondered if said person could deal with his overload dose of awesomeness. The Prussian chuckled to himself and looked around the medium sized room, it was a fair room.'

Though I would change 'he looked around the medium sized room, it was a fair room' because it sounds a bit weird.

There are another two sentence that sounds weird as well. The following one sounds weird because there are no connections between the phrases whatsoever.

'The Prussian sighed, the door next to him opened, Gilbert jumped at the pop of the door handle.'

'There was a smile which seemed that it was glued on that handsome face'

The aforementioned sentence could be changed into this one: 'There was a smile which seemed to be glued on his handsome face'

There is one word that counfused me, namely when you used the word 'operation' in the following sentence.

Both brother's stared in awe at the amazing operation.

Did you mean 'building' or 'institution' instead of operation?

Other than that I only found very few spelling mistakes, such as

'manor' instead of 'manner' or "brother's" instead of 'brothers'.

I guess you are slightly disheartened after reading my review and you may think I did all of this to make you feel bad but that's not the case. The story interests me and I like it so far, that's the reason why I tried to give you as much constructive criticism as possible.

It would make me happy if you implented the things I told you (though nobody forces you to do so!) to improve the quality of your story. =)

Have a nice day/evening/whatever time it is at your place right now and please continue to write. ^_^