for stay with me3/22/2012 c4 
1Elenannon
Nice story, but your punctuation (speech marks etc) and sentence structure need work and the reader has to guess who is talking - space out the conversation - each new speaker should start a new line. This would really iprove what is already a great piece of writing!
1ElenannonNice story, but your punctuation (speech marks etc) and sentence structure need work and the reader has to guess who is talking - space out the conversation - each new speaker should start a new line. This would really iprove what is already a great piece of writing!
10/6/2011 c1 23Alia el Bolock
Well very promising start =D
I'd definitely change the summary though to allow it more traffic... I mean I read it only because I had time and to see if it was good I should suggest this tote writer... In my opinion you need to put more... An afghani summary if only general... And I'd definitely get a beta... Nice written style but quite a few spelling and gramma mistakes...
Sorry for the long review but my only intention is to help only if you want it of course... I think there's a great piremiter for the story, I LOVE a good whump with Jack and Sam and angst... I'm interested in reading on and seein where you're headed with this =D
23Alia el BolockWell very promising start =D
I'd definitely change the summary though to allow it more traffic... I mean I read it only because I had time and to see if it was good I should suggest this tote writer... In my opinion you need to put more... An afghani summary if only general... And I'd definitely get a beta... Nice written style but quite a few spelling and gramma mistakes...
Sorry for the long review but my only intention is to help only if you want it of course... I think there's a great piremiter for the story, I LOVE a good whump with Jack and Sam and angst... I'm interested in reading on and seein where you're headed with this =D