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9/29/2016 c1 3Earthpatriot117
Mmm. Time table is off, is that intentional or an error?
11/11/2013 c16 Earthpatriot117
great story man, great story!
11/11/2013 c15 Earthpatriot117
finally some real ACTION! xd
11/11/2013 c14 Earthpatriot117
sorry to hear that Bro, hope you feel better...or are better now. '
11/11/2013 c13 Earthpatriot117
fine words azreal spoke, it is harsh, but our survival depended on it.
11/11/2013 c12 Earthpatriot117
I like don't mind the socializing, BUT I WANT ACTION!
11/11/2013 c11 Earthpatriot117
want...to read...MORE!
11/11/2013 c9 Earthpatriot117
ah ah, family guy references. lol
11/11/2013 c7 Earthpatriot117
love the story so far dude! please continue it.
11/11/2013 c6 Earthpatriot117
what kind of ship is the lords vigilance? it never said.
11/11/2013 c3 Earthpatriot117
besides the spelling errors this story is pretty good so far.
11/11/2013 c2 Earthpatriot117
huh you have the time date at the top wrong, the covenant war started in 2525. '
5/28/2012 c17 20Lone The Dark Hearted Wolf
well lets see you could make them go to the mall sleep meet up and secretly go to sauria or what ever planet the people crashed on and they have a huge fight against the convenat and win or have Azreal get wounded badly and almost die
2/17/2012 c17 Arkadia Citadel
*Sips on iced coffee* Right, let's do this.

-When a UNSC vessel is attacked during a slipspace transfer they are forced to randomly jump to a location in space where they crash on a plant seemingly filled with prehistoric dinosuars-


Time for serious stuff.

Introduction: Not too bad. It looks like a pre-recorded message thing, and that's a nice touch. But be aware that how you told everyone what was going on was confusing and rather poorly done... if I'm honest.

Look at this:

-His voice sounded "Washington, Texas, Meta, Church, Vanessa"-

Argh... don't do that. It really should sound like this:

="Washington, Texas, Meta, Church, Vanessa", the man said into the computer.=

That's better, isn't it? I don't know how to explain how your sentence was awful (Sorry, it really was), other than switch the two clauses around and that when you say "sounded", it just means he made a noise, basically.

Important note: Be aware that every good author uses simple words. This isn't about you showing off your English capabilities (well I hope it's not...), it's about a story. And it should be nothing else. Sure, authors use weird words as an attempt to impress the reader, but it just backfires most of the time, as it makes the reader feel isolated and dumbfouned. I'm not saying yours is bad, I'm just saying it's probably best to keep that in mind, as you are doing it on the odd occasion.

Here's another thing:

-I also want you to monitor the Spartan IV's augmentations and mental health, see if they have stabilized. He is the last his kind we need him to figure out where we went wrong.-

You've got me all confused. What's going on? Why is this Spartan chap the "chosen one"? What's this about where everything went wrong?

Here's my version:

=I also want you to keep track of Spartan IV. We recently made some modifications to him so it's probably best you monitor how the effect are taking place. At the moment, he's supposed to stay in a stable condition. I'll send you another message that should further explain the modifications we made to him. PLEASE CONTACT NEARBY MEDICAL STAFF IF ANYTHING NOTICEABLY STRANGE HAPPENS TO HIM.

Now as I'm sure you'd know, the (insert name here) project was a failure, and we need him to figure out where we went wrong, as he is the last of his kind.=

Here's what I did: I further explained the whole "modifications" schnoz, fixed up grammar issues and most importantly: added realism to it. If you want to grab the audience's attention, add realism! Don't rely on Hollywood movies, they're just all explosions and seizures and almost never decently scripted. Put yourself in the shoes of the person who's sending the message. Think about what would REALLY happen in a situation like that.

OH AND BY THE WAY, it's probably a good idea to do your homework about the whole modification thing. "Being from a Different Galaxy" by Namigi had massive realism shortcomings, and that majorly let it down. Don't let the same happen to you.

And of course:

Please welcome to the stage, Gary-Stu...

I really don't know how many times this sort of thing has been done before. Roll on the cliche parade:

-Earth/Lylat story

-The main character who's been modified to be "superhuman"

-Main character is the last of his race

-Weird name

-Character's name is the same as the writer's username

-Earth just sending one person to do an almost impossible job

And let's get to your other characters:

We don't know crap about who these characters are. Most importantly, they're just props: nothing major. They're 2D, flat and they're boring. They all have the same personality. I mean... come on man! Put some effort into this!



Let the story tell itself. Don't let the narrator talk his freakin' guts off; explaining every scene to us. Take this as an example:

-"Hey what you thinking about Azreal?" Asked Mihr noticing his blank stare. Mihr was a 17 year old girl with auburn hair and hazel eyes and pale skin-

I don't really know how to explain this one. I think that sentence needs a complete redo. I can't be stuffed explaining what went wrong here. My poor mind's frying itself, trying to give some tips on improvement.

All in all, probably should've gotten a beta reader.

That's it for me. I hope I've explained enough as to what you need to improve on.

*Deep breath* Now that you're working on another story, hopefully you can correct your rookie mistakes and become better at the whole writing gist.

Take care.
1/14/2012 c17 Species Unkown
PLEASE CONTINUE THIS STORY! How bout u make it so the SF team gets dragged into the hum-covie war? I think u shoud make u go to their Au.
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