for GROWING YOUNGER10/26/2011 c1 
23Star of Airdrie
This was a refreshingly different piece. On the one hand, it felt like stream-of-consciousness, but then on the other hand there was far too much structure and insight for that. Because of the way it is written, it reads easily, but has a richness to it.
The lion theme which is part of an overall circus theme works perfectly for both characters.
I love Robin's self analysis, and it's a great look at his place within the team structure. One of the best I've seen especially given the unique Cartoon!Robin as 24/7 hero; it's nice that he's thought about that.
Starfire's isn't quite as pitch perfect, but as Kry notes it's what's being lost in translation and maybe I'm missing more of that than you intended for me to be but that happens to me a lot.
Technically, Robin's thoughts in regular quotes threw me because on a couple of occasions, he might have just blurted those things out and moved the whole romance along! Darn! Italics works the best.
As a recovering comma-phobe who started to over-indulge, you seem to fall into the Comma Splice trap: Dashes, semicolons, colons and even periods have their places and do not have to break away from what you are trying to convey. Shrunk and White (Elements of Style) is the best reference there, or for that matter, for anything. (Although I'm not the person to go to on grammar... but Shrunk and White are!)
Thank you for such a nice entry. I hope you write more for the fandom. You've got a nice perspective and way of saying things.
Good luck!
~Airdrie
23Star of AirdrieThis was a refreshingly different piece. On the one hand, it felt like stream-of-consciousness, but then on the other hand there was far too much structure and insight for that. Because of the way it is written, it reads easily, but has a richness to it.
The lion theme which is part of an overall circus theme works perfectly for both characters.
I love Robin's self analysis, and it's a great look at his place within the team structure. One of the best I've seen especially given the unique Cartoon!Robin as 24/7 hero; it's nice that he's thought about that.
Starfire's isn't quite as pitch perfect, but as Kry notes it's what's being lost in translation and maybe I'm missing more of that than you intended for me to be but that happens to me a lot.
Technically, Robin's thoughts in regular quotes threw me because on a couple of occasions, he might have just blurted those things out and moved the whole romance along! Darn! Italics works the best.
As a recovering comma-phobe who started to over-indulge, you seem to fall into the Comma Splice trap: Dashes, semicolons, colons and even periods have their places and do not have to break away from what you are trying to convey. Shrunk and White (Elements of Style) is the best reference there, or for that matter, for anything. (Although I'm not the person to go to on grammar... but Shrunk and White are!)
Thank you for such a nice entry. I hope you write more for the fandom. You've got a nice perspective and way of saying things.
Good luck!
~Airdrie
10/26/2011 c1 49Kryalla Orchid
Very interesting character study for Robin, I liked how you approached it, they way you brought your point across. It was a little hard to tell Robin's thoughts from speech at the beginning, a trick is to either make his thoughts italics, or remove the quotation makes and make them a single '.
His thoughts themselves were very in character (although I don't think anyone would quite forget their own name), its an extreme look on Robin and what growing up in Batman's household could do, and what Robin could become. Of course, how he views himself is very different than how others view him.
I liked the alien traits you created for Starfire, very unique and Starfireesque. I liked her trouble to explain what and how she saw him, it was a confusing for both her and the reader, simply because what she does is lost in translation, her frustration to explain feels very real here. I also liked that you kept some of her more feline traits intact.
I had a chuckle at Robin likening himself to a Christmas ornament. He's certainly as colourful as one!
Just a thought on a technical note, you've overused the comma. As a comma abuser myself, I have to reign it in when I write and think "Do I really need another one?" Good rule of thumb, if you find yourself putting more than three in a sentence, re-think how you could reword it. Or put a full stop or a ;. Too many commas make the sentence feel like it’s a run on one, as though the author's lost their train of thought halfway through, waffled a bit and picked it up again toward the end of the sentence. Unfortunately, comma abuse is something you don't see until it's pointed out to you.
I did love Robin's abrupt change of heart at the end. He really does need to be shocked into things sometimes.
I really enjoyed this, it was a nice and very fresh look at Robin and his analytical mind. The scenes flowed, Robin's thoughts throughout progressed well to the point I'm happy he finally took the blinkers off and started living.
Also, I loved the small nod to Raven's darkness, a single sentence can portray so much.
Well done, lovely read and nicely done. Food for thought, I shall go mull over what you've written! First story too, I see, so congrats on that!
Thanks so much for entering!
Cheers
Kry
49Kryalla OrchidVery interesting character study for Robin, I liked how you approached it, they way you brought your point across. It was a little hard to tell Robin's thoughts from speech at the beginning, a trick is to either make his thoughts italics, or remove the quotation makes and make them a single '.
His thoughts themselves were very in character (although I don't think anyone would quite forget their own name), its an extreme look on Robin and what growing up in Batman's household could do, and what Robin could become. Of course, how he views himself is very different than how others view him.
I liked the alien traits you created for Starfire, very unique and Starfireesque. I liked her trouble to explain what and how she saw him, it was a confusing for both her and the reader, simply because what she does is lost in translation, her frustration to explain feels very real here. I also liked that you kept some of her more feline traits intact.
I had a chuckle at Robin likening himself to a Christmas ornament. He's certainly as colourful as one!
Just a thought on a technical note, you've overused the comma. As a comma abuser myself, I have to reign it in when I write and think "Do I really need another one?" Good rule of thumb, if you find yourself putting more than three in a sentence, re-think how you could reword it. Or put a full stop or a ;. Too many commas make the sentence feel like it’s a run on one, as though the author's lost their train of thought halfway through, waffled a bit and picked it up again toward the end of the sentence. Unfortunately, comma abuse is something you don't see until it's pointed out to you.
I did love Robin's abrupt change of heart at the end. He really does need to be shocked into things sometimes.
I really enjoyed this, it was a nice and very fresh look at Robin and his analytical mind. The scenes flowed, Robin's thoughts throughout progressed well to the point I'm happy he finally took the blinkers off and started living.
Also, I loved the small nod to Raven's darkness, a single sentence can portray so much.
Well done, lovely read and nicely done. Food for thought, I shall go mull over what you've written! First story too, I see, so congrats on that!
Thanks so much for entering!
Cheers
Kry
10/25/2011 c1 SwampBandit
I think the best part of this story is the alien angle you took with Starfire. It is true, she is an alien, from a warrior race descended from felines. I like how you described her ability to 'see' the physical weakness of Robin like a predator would see in is prey.
I also liked Robin's introspection of how he viewed himself and his thoughts on Starfire, realizing she is an alien being, looking close to being human yet fully alien.
Your metaphor of the biggest lion in the cage is appropriate to, because Starfire truly is compared to the other Titans, yet for some reason she adores a being that is so fragile and weak though views him as being the strongest.
Great story and plot. I liked it much.
I think the best part of this story is the alien angle you took with Starfire. It is true, she is an alien, from a warrior race descended from felines. I like how you described her ability to 'see' the physical weakness of Robin like a predator would see in is prey.
I also liked Robin's introspection of how he viewed himself and his thoughts on Starfire, realizing she is an alien being, looking close to being human yet fully alien.
Your metaphor of the biggest lion in the cage is appropriate to, because Starfire truly is compared to the other Titans, yet for some reason she adores a being that is so fragile and weak though views him as being the strongest.
Great story and plot. I liked it much.