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for The Lone Courier

1/3/2012 c3 14Ayane458
Good use of Fire-Forged Friends (as you can tell, I've spent the past few days on TVtropes) and a nice development in their relationship. The action was good (I know what a Cazador and Deathclaw are, now!) and the easy banter at the end was great. You might want to watch your spacebar -you seem to either forget about it, or not tap it hard enough in some places.

In the second paragraph, you have 'for a moment' twice.

conformation -confirmation

starred -stared (within the context)

vile -vial (in the context)
1/2/2012 c2 Ayane458
Me again!

You have quiet the talent for description. The action in this chapter is easy to see. I think you have no problems at all when it comes to plot and visualisation, just a few with grammar/spelling. Other than those errors, good job. More nitpicking and OCD below:

was defiantly fit -did you mean to use defiantly, or definitely?

wearily -wearily or warily? This happens twice.

Couple of typos -resinating should be resonating (unless that's an alternative spelling, in which case ignore that) and 'finger slowing slip' should be 'slowly'.

Also, bulkyer should be bulkier.

visable is visible

Loose the StealthBoy -lose

name bases -basis

definatly -definitely

Disinagrater -Disintegrator

assault rifle, tight -no need for a comma.

arm, even more -ditto

down, in front of his forehead, in -ditto for both

recent nickname, would do for now. -ditto

die, won't be -ditto

trigger. She moved -I think this should actually be a comma, and have it as the one sentence.
1/2/2012 c1 Ayane458
I'll probably be reviewing every chapter (I have a habit of that). I also have to say I can't make any comments on Fallout canon, as I haven't actually gotten around to playing the games. Warning: I tend to be a little (or a lot) pedantic in my reviews, which some people have found annoying in the past.

It's a good introduction, one that even someone who hadn't played the game would interested by (as I am). Your character is interesting, and the fight scenes are easy to visualise (which can be hard, I know from experience). Also, 'RadAway'? Is that Fallout canon, or just something entertaining?

One spelling thing:'she breath in the dust' -'breathed' would fit better.

You have a bit of a problem with commas -not the really bad problem where you replace full stops with commas, but where you put commas.

For example:

her travels as, The Lone Wanderer, as Three Dog -there's no need for the comma after 'as'

here in Mohave Desert, then it was -could be 'here, in the Mohave Desert, than it was' (also, you used the wrong 'then')

Nevada, in the first place. -no need for a comma after Nevada.

Ants, when she was -no need for a comma after Ants, either.

Just something I noticed: But she was in luck; - if you could call it that - she

-I would've written this differently, like: 'But she was in luck (if you could call it that); she...' this is a little more IMO.

that he has friends who are probably ready to -you switched tense. should be 'had' and 'were'.

Other than a couple of simple typos, that's it.

Good work!
12/30/2011 c8
Wow, I am really enjoying this story so far! Not many people can write good stories about the LW turned Courier, but you are doing a great job of it! I like Carson a whole lot, and I'm looking forward to seeing what he will do once the whole situation of helping the Courier with Benny is over.

Keep writing!
12/29/2011 c8 Guest
Nice story so far. Lots of potential. Are you going to follow the regular quest line or throw a curve ball or two in?
12/12/2011 c6 19Cressida Isolde
I really like the description in this chapter! As well as the gameplay references :D

You're building a really solid relationship between your characters, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes :)
12/9/2011 c1 GPhnx
I like your New Vegas FF. Very good for the first chapter. I liked how you didn't start in the traditional way.
12/4/2011 c5 Cressida Isolde
First off, I really like your plot idea - it's a hard sell bringing the LW to the Mojave, so originality is always welcome.

I think you might start off with a bit too much knowledge, sort of, for your character to have. The reader knows about Benny and everything, but at this stage the courier shouldn't. I could be wrong, though, I'm not quite sure where along the main storyline you start. I do really like how you explain how the LW isn't some super-powered-badass, though, which the LW kind of is by the end of Fallout 3. It's realistic and plausible.

You have a really nice writing style. You're very good on description. There are a couple of minor errors like missing words and formatting stuff, but generally you're pretty good on that.

I like how you describe your LW! Well, not describe, as such, but show what she's like. She's combat-experienced and not so trusting, which (obviously) fits the story, and I like how you introduce Carson and build up the relationship between them. A random guy showing up and asking you to go kill some deathclaws is pretty much Fallout-canon :p and your references back to the LW's experience in the previous game are cool too :)

Your action sequences are GREAT. I mostly mention this because I'm awful at them and tend to like skip over most of the details, but you manage to come up with a really good balance of action and insight into your characters' mind.

I'm looking forward to the next chaper :)
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