for Being a hunter and other dangerous pastimes8/7/2013 c1 RiverWing21287
Er... Did you wrote this based on the book Ranger's Apprentice? Cause it's awfully alike.(not that i'm complaining. Go Halt! XD) But nice story the last four lines.
Er... Did you wrote this based on the book Ranger's Apprentice? Cause it's awfully alike.(not that i'm complaining. Go Halt! XD) But nice story the last four lines.
6/17/2012 c3 
5SugarADdIccT
Great job and i loved the such violence! It wasn't all cheesy! And I will be looking forward for a new chapter soon and sadly I don't have any idea for chap 4...sorry! Well all I can say is...see ya! ;)
5SugarADdIccTGreat job and i loved the such violence! It wasn't all cheesy! And I will be looking forward for a new chapter soon and sadly I don't have any idea for chap 4...sorry! Well all I can say is...see ya! ;)
6/17/2012 c2 SugarADdIccT
I read this chapter and it was full of descriptive! I got a full image of the scene as I was reading.
Note: I don't usual criticize about misspelled words, grammatical errors and other things like that...so yeah.
Surely, the next chapter is gonnna be full of adventures! See ya! ;)
I read this chapter and it was full of descriptive! I got a full image of the scene as I was reading.
Note: I don't usual criticize about misspelled words, grammatical errors and other things like that...so yeah.
Surely, the next chapter is gonnna be full of adventures! See ya! ;)
6/16/2012 c1 SugarADdIccT
The ending was hilarious! Okay besides the ending...no actually I loved this chapter! I expected Manji to become the Sector guard...I was really surprised when he wasn't. It's just weird imaginating Manji as a normal 13 year old...I mean every time I see him in Maplestory...he looks a bit scary...well it's nice that you wrote something about a minor character in MS! See ya ;)
The ending was hilarious! Okay besides the ending...no actually I loved this chapter! I expected Manji to become the Sector guard...I was really surprised when he wasn't. It's just weird imaginating Manji as a normal 13 year old...I mean every time I see him in Maplestory...he looks a bit scary...well it's nice that you wrote something about a minor character in MS! See ya ;)
2/29/2012 c3 10SONofAPOLLOx
Very well written chapter with less mistakes than the previous chapters. It's a bit choppy since a lot of people are talking. Also, I have a question: Why is there an asterisk in some parts of the chapter? Well, good work and update soon!
-SOAx
10SONofAPOLLOxVery well written chapter with less mistakes than the previous chapters. It's a bit choppy since a lot of people are talking. Also, I have a question: Why is there an asterisk in some parts of the chapter? Well, good work and update soon!
-SOAx
2/25/2012 c1 2Spritley
I like how you added the sub jobs and that some are like normal jobs in the human world. I cant do a full review at the moment, but I must say it's an interesting story. I cant wait to read the rest of it.
-Charm
2SpritleyI like how you added the sub jobs and that some are like normal jobs in the human world. I cant do a full review at the moment, but I must say it's an interesting story. I cant wait to read the rest of it.
-Charm
2/23/2012 c3 User No Longer Available
Ah, you're back with a new update. Its good to see you posting again.
Your writing seems to have improved while you were away, and I found only a small (very small) handful of errors. As a whole, this chapter was pretty action packed and a lot seems to have happened. I'll be looking for your next chapter eagerly.
- Orion
As a sidenote, I deleted the majority of my older stories and started from scratch. If you've got time, check out my latest story. =]
Ah, you're back with a new update. Its good to see you posting again.
Your writing seems to have improved while you were away, and I found only a small (very small) handful of errors. As a whole, this chapter was pretty action packed and a lot seems to have happened. I'll be looking for your next chapter eagerly.
- Orion
As a sidenote, I deleted the majority of my older stories and started from scratch. If you've got time, check out my latest story. =]
12/17/2011 c2 Divine Shrine
Hi, pal! I've got some time on my hands so i thought I'll just drop by.
The Story, in general is well-rounded, and interesting too. Although there are some grammatical and punctuation errors here and there, they're sorta minor, so that probably won't bother the readers. Do continue writing.
-Night
Hi, pal! I've got some time on my hands so i thought I'll just drop by.
The Story, in general is well-rounded, and interesting too. Although there are some grammatical and punctuation errors here and there, they're sorta minor, so that probably won't bother the readers. Do continue writing.
-Night
12/1/2011 c2 User No Longer Available
Finally got around to reading the chapter. Plot was good as usual, though you're getting careless again, like you did in your first story. Can't point 'em out since I'm on my phone and it sucks with FFnet, but your punctuation needs some work. I think you may have accidentally slipped up while typing this as well, since there are a few instances where words seem to be completely missing. Also, you sometimes switch tenses in the middle of a sentence.
I still like the story, and as I said in your PM, I like the humor and characterization. Also, zombies are cool. Lol, just had to say it. Anyway, if you have time, mind checking out my new story?
Update soon. Don't keep me waiting for more.
Finally got around to reading the chapter. Plot was good as usual, though you're getting careless again, like you did in your first story. Can't point 'em out since I'm on my phone and it sucks with FFnet, but your punctuation needs some work. I think you may have accidentally slipped up while typing this as well, since there are a few instances where words seem to be completely missing. Also, you sometimes switch tenses in the middle of a sentence.
I still like the story, and as I said in your PM, I like the humor and characterization. Also, zombies are cool. Lol, just had to say it. Anyway, if you have time, mind checking out my new story?
Update soon. Don't keep me waiting for more.
12/1/2011 c2 2Lunarfeather
This is a pretty good story, I really like how we see a different side of Manji and how he's not exactly like he is in the game. the one thing that I have a problem with is how the story seem sot move along really quickly. Are you rushing it?
Don't get me wrong I still enjoy the story but maybe you could take some time to develop each character some more.
Keep Updating =D
2LunarfeatherThis is a pretty good story, I really like how we see a different side of Manji and how he's not exactly like he is in the game. the one thing that I have a problem with is how the story seem sot move along really quickly. Are you rushing it?
Don't get me wrong I still enjoy the story but maybe you could take some time to develop each character some more.
Keep Updating =D
11/30/2011 c2 3Mr. Stiffly
So, I review your story one day and it's updated the next? Wow. Anyway, here's my review for this chapter.
You did a much better job with the dialogue! I know what's going on while they're talking now, and while it doesn't seem like a big deal, it really adds to the atmosphere.
Your grammar is much better here than it was in the first chapter. There still are a few small errors. Again, nothing big, but enough to hurt the immersion level. I don't know about others, but a grammar mistake makes me realize that I'm reading a story. It's still an improvement, so good job on that.
You had one small continuity error in this chapter. When originally describing Edelstein, you wrote "no children played on the streets", but a few sentences later, you said "children crowded around him as he handed out multicolored balloons." Just a small issue, but be careful about changing a scene once the setting is, well, set.
This is going to sound rather...nitpicky, to say the least. The last line of the chapter is '"He believed in gender equality, I wasn't so keen on it."' And I love that line. I really do. However, I think you could add just a bit more punch to it by leaving a bigger pause in it. For example, you could change the comma to a period, or add in a descriptor. Say something like "He believed in gender equality. I wasn't so keen on it." or "He believed in gender equality." Lana turned to look at Will. "I wasn't so keen on it." Again, it's more of a nitpick than anything else, but it caught my attention.
Finally, be careful about repeating certain word combinations near each other, and, when necessary, make it obvious who you're describing. For example, in the lines "thank god I'm not the kind of high heel wearing kind of girl" you say 'kind of' twice in the same sentence, and in the sentences "Drake Winchester sat in his gun workshop, he'd been there for quite some time now staring at his door .He had been thinking, deep in thought for his next idea for a gun or at least that what it looked like. Drake Winchester was no longer breathing; a knife handle protruded out of his chest, dried blood stained his shirt." you start both sentences with 'Drake Winchester'. Mix it up a bit it. It will do wonders for your waiting. (By the way, good description in the sentences with Winchester!) Also, during the fight scene with Will and the bandit, you wrote "He flung the metal can at Will, he ducked and loosened an arrow, but a few seconds too late." The first part (He flung the metal can at Will,) makes it clear that you are referring to the bandit. However, in the second part, (he ducked and loosened an arrow, but a few seconds too later) it isn't clear whether you're referring to Will or the bandit. Because you refer to the bandit as 'he' earlier in the sentence, (he flung the metal can at Will) it is assumed that when you say 'he' for the rest of the sentence, that will mean the bandit. You use 'he' to refer to Will, and it's a bit hard to follow. If you replace 'he' with 'the hunter', it will be easier to follow. (To be honest, I think that should be split into two sentences. "He flung the metal can at Will. The hunter ducked and loosened an arrow, but it was a few seconds too late") I'm no grammar expert, but I think the sentence is a run-on.
Overall, it's a fairly good chapter. It has some good action scenes, good dialogue, and great description. There are a few mistakes, but nothing major. It has two cliffhangers as well, so you know what I'll be doing when the next chapter comes out! Good job, and good luck!
3Mr. StifflySo, I review your story one day and it's updated the next? Wow. Anyway, here's my review for this chapter.
You did a much better job with the dialogue! I know what's going on while they're talking now, and while it doesn't seem like a big deal, it really adds to the atmosphere.
Your grammar is much better here than it was in the first chapter. There still are a few small errors. Again, nothing big, but enough to hurt the immersion level. I don't know about others, but a grammar mistake makes me realize that I'm reading a story. It's still an improvement, so good job on that.
You had one small continuity error in this chapter. When originally describing Edelstein, you wrote "no children played on the streets", but a few sentences later, you said "children crowded around him as he handed out multicolored balloons." Just a small issue, but be careful about changing a scene once the setting is, well, set.
This is going to sound rather...nitpicky, to say the least. The last line of the chapter is '"He believed in gender equality, I wasn't so keen on it."' And I love that line. I really do. However, I think you could add just a bit more punch to it by leaving a bigger pause in it. For example, you could change the comma to a period, or add in a descriptor. Say something like "He believed in gender equality. I wasn't so keen on it." or "He believed in gender equality." Lana turned to look at Will. "I wasn't so keen on it." Again, it's more of a nitpick than anything else, but it caught my attention.
Finally, be careful about repeating certain word combinations near each other, and, when necessary, make it obvious who you're describing. For example, in the lines "thank god I'm not the kind of high heel wearing kind of girl" you say 'kind of' twice in the same sentence, and in the sentences "Drake Winchester sat in his gun workshop, he'd been there for quite some time now staring at his door .He had been thinking, deep in thought for his next idea for a gun or at least that what it looked like. Drake Winchester was no longer breathing; a knife handle protruded out of his chest, dried blood stained his shirt." you start both sentences with 'Drake Winchester'. Mix it up a bit it. It will do wonders for your waiting. (By the way, good description in the sentences with Winchester!) Also, during the fight scene with Will and the bandit, you wrote "He flung the metal can at Will, he ducked and loosened an arrow, but a few seconds too late." The first part (He flung the metal can at Will,) makes it clear that you are referring to the bandit. However, in the second part, (he ducked and loosened an arrow, but a few seconds too later) it isn't clear whether you're referring to Will or the bandit. Because you refer to the bandit as 'he' earlier in the sentence, (he flung the metal can at Will) it is assumed that when you say 'he' for the rest of the sentence, that will mean the bandit. You use 'he' to refer to Will, and it's a bit hard to follow. If you replace 'he' with 'the hunter', it will be easier to follow. (To be honest, I think that should be split into two sentences. "He flung the metal can at Will. The hunter ducked and loosened an arrow, but it was a few seconds too late") I'm no grammar expert, but I think the sentence is a run-on.
Overall, it's a fairly good chapter. It has some good action scenes, good dialogue, and great description. There are a few mistakes, but nothing major. It has two cliffhangers as well, so you know what I'll be doing when the next chapter comes out! Good job, and good luck!
11/30/2011 c2 10SONofAPOLLOx
Good chapter, but couple punctuation and grammar mistakes. Update soon.
-SOAx
10SONofAPOLLOxGood chapter, but couple punctuation and grammar mistakes. Update soon.
-SOAx
11/28/2011 c1 3Mr. Stiffly
First of all, thanks for reviewing my story! I'm here to return the favor.
There were some grammatical mistakes throughout the story, mainly articles/other small words missing. For example: "but for some strange reason he wanted a sub job a cook. " (put as between job and a), "said girl with messy red hair" (should read 'said the girl') and "In battle they pilot fighter jet," (should say fighter jets). Small things like that don't really detract from the story, so it isn't a big deal. I think a spell/grammar checker would catch most of those, so if you have access to Microsoft Word, give it a shot. Again, it isn't a big problem.
The story itself seems eerily familiar to another series I read, the Ranger's Apprentice series. If it's meant to be based off that series, you should add a line of attribution somewhere. If it's just one idea from a story, then it's not necessary, but your beginning is very close to the beginning of that series. (starts in an orphanage, main character gets rejected from original choice, hunters in your story seem very similar to rangers in the other series, etc.) If you haven't ever read the Ranger's Apprentice series, then...wow. Uncanny.
You have some good description, but could improve upon it when characters are talking. The main perpetrator here would be the end of the chapter. I won't take the liberty of re-posting it all in this review, but take a look at it in the story. For the last bit of dialogue between Manji and Tristan, there is just that-dialogue. Nothing besides what they're saying. Add some description in. What are they doing while talking? Do they react to what the other person says? We know what they say, but how do they say it? Adding that description in can really help your characters come to life.
Your story has some potential. I'll keep an eye on it. Good luck with your writing! (and remember to have fun!)
3Mr. StifflyFirst of all, thanks for reviewing my story! I'm here to return the favor.
There were some grammatical mistakes throughout the story, mainly articles/other small words missing. For example: "but for some strange reason he wanted a sub job a cook. " (put as between job and a), "said girl with messy red hair" (should read 'said the girl') and "In battle they pilot fighter jet," (should say fighter jets). Small things like that don't really detract from the story, so it isn't a big deal. I think a spell/grammar checker would catch most of those, so if you have access to Microsoft Word, give it a shot. Again, it isn't a big problem.
The story itself seems eerily familiar to another series I read, the Ranger's Apprentice series. If it's meant to be based off that series, you should add a line of attribution somewhere. If it's just one idea from a story, then it's not necessary, but your beginning is very close to the beginning of that series. (starts in an orphanage, main character gets rejected from original choice, hunters in your story seem very similar to rangers in the other series, etc.) If you haven't ever read the Ranger's Apprentice series, then...wow. Uncanny.
You have some good description, but could improve upon it when characters are talking. The main perpetrator here would be the end of the chapter. I won't take the liberty of re-posting it all in this review, but take a look at it in the story. For the last bit of dialogue between Manji and Tristan, there is just that-dialogue. Nothing besides what they're saying. Add some description in. What are they doing while talking? Do they react to what the other person says? We know what they say, but how do they say it? Adding that description in can really help your characters come to life.
Your story has some potential. I'll keep an eye on it. Good luck with your writing! (and remember to have fun!)
11/27/2011 c1 3KowawaKoala
The first thing I thought when I read this story was: "Hey, I like this story :)"
The only problem I found was that sometimes you have run-ons.
"They simply don't have the time, every guard they have is busy fighting alien threats, or flying in to help fight other threats which recently including the temple of time since they never have enough Chrono guards on the watch, and they don't have extensive knowledge on how to handle undead either."
Like that one, I suggest seperating it into two sentences or more. My re-written version (its not the best) would go something like this:
"They simply don't have the time; every guard they have is either busy fighting alien threats, or flying in to help fight other threats which recently include those at the Temple of Time (they just don't have enough Chrono guards on watch). In addtion, they don't have the extensive knowledge on how to handle the undead either."
Eliminating run-ons will help make the sentences flow more smoothly :)
Well, apart from that, everything else is perfect :) I am looking forward to more updates! :D
P.s Thanks for reviewing my story :) -gives cookie-
3KowawaKoalaThe first thing I thought when I read this story was: "Hey, I like this story :)"
The only problem I found was that sometimes you have run-ons.
"They simply don't have the time, every guard they have is busy fighting alien threats, or flying in to help fight other threats which recently including the temple of time since they never have enough Chrono guards on the watch, and they don't have extensive knowledge on how to handle undead either."
Like that one, I suggest seperating it into two sentences or more. My re-written version (its not the best) would go something like this:
"They simply don't have the time; every guard they have is either busy fighting alien threats, or flying in to help fight other threats which recently include those at the Temple of Time (they just don't have enough Chrono guards on watch). In addtion, they don't have the extensive knowledge on how to handle the undead either."
Eliminating run-ons will help make the sentences flow more smoothly :)
Well, apart from that, everything else is perfect :) I am looking forward to more updates! :D
P.s Thanks for reviewing my story :) -gives cookie-
11/17/2011 c1 1Scion of Battle
Sorry for the late review. I've been MIA on FFnet for awhile and have a lot of stories to catch up on.
I'll have to say this version is a big step up from your previous one, and I like the first chapter a lot. Still a few punctuation/grammar errors here or there, but its nowhere near as many as the original story, and everyone is allowed mistakes once in awhile.
One thing you're somewhat lacking (at least in the last section) is physical details. It was basically all dialogue. Not that I'm saying dialogue is bad - its completely necessary in order to move a story along (in most cases at least) - but I think it would be nice to have something more going on rather than: Character A says, "this," and Character B replies, "that."
Anyway, that's it for now. Keep up the good work.
1Scion of BattleSorry for the late review. I've been MIA on FFnet for awhile and have a lot of stories to catch up on.
I'll have to say this version is a big step up from your previous one, and I like the first chapter a lot. Still a few punctuation/grammar errors here or there, but its nowhere near as many as the original story, and everyone is allowed mistakes once in awhile.
One thing you're somewhat lacking (at least in the last section) is physical details. It was basically all dialogue. Not that I'm saying dialogue is bad - its completely necessary in order to move a story along (in most cases at least) - but I think it would be nice to have something more going on rather than: Character A says, "this," and Character B replies, "that."
Anyway, that's it for now. Keep up the good work.