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for Milk for the Khorne Flakes

3/17/2015 c1 2DDorb
Story is pretty solid in the middle, and is overall enjoyable to read. It could be improved as there is much potential in a few plot elements, potential unfortunately abandoned in the execution.

What weighs down the potential at the beginning, as other reviews have pointed out, is how "info-dumpy" the beginning is. It does give a sense of what Kharn is facing, but at the same time can be irritating to read as it is lengthy and causes one to think, "Okay okay, I get the idea," and skip ahead.

What would streamline the story and make the first chapter an easier read is if you were to cut the third paragraph. It doesn't seem to serve the rest of the story other than the brief set-up at the start, and the level of detail such as headcounts obstruct the story's flow at the beginning.

At the end of the story, the dialogue seems a bit rushed. What would be better is if the last five lines of dialogue were removed and replaced with something that didn't read like a curve ball thrown at the reader. Sometimes "curve ball" humor can be quite effective, the set up was there in the story, but I think if the argument about the perversion of Kharn wasn't as forced as it seemed to be and kept with the natural flow of the conversation before, it wouldn't seem so abrupt and the humorous undertone wouldn't be interrupted.

Same goes for the out-of-universe reference when listing the Zhufor's collection of heads. It has potential, but the execution seemed a bit sudden compared to the use of "Milk for Khorne Flakes", which being the name of the story should be used more than once in the beginning. After all, the title, "Milk for Khorne Flakes", creates expectations. And in this story, "Milk for Khorne Flakes" deserves a greater presence in the narrative than the other "curve balls". That way the story is consistent with the title and the expectations the reader may have.

Other than that, a few typos taint some sentences, such as tenses and quantity, and the use of "literally" at the end of a sentence in Chapter 2. Also, regarding the Chapters, the titles are inconsistent. If this isn't intentional, I'd suggest the second chapter be changed to fit the first one, as well as a rewrite of the first as it seems rather disconnected to the story altogether.
3/14/2015 c2 2k+Hawki
-Intro is a bit info-dumpish. There’s a bit of an undercurrent of humour, but it does make the writing feel clunky when every little detail is given.

-Okay…androgenous eldar…I can get behind that. Kharn’s act…I get this is a parody, but humour that stems from the setting (e.g. the ship being clean, rather than being more Khornate), hits the mark far better than “hormones,” for lack of a better word.

-Not sure what zerg or protoss are doing here, or oompa-loompas…granted, they’re probably desciples of Slaanesh given what they get up to… 0_0

-Overall, there’s some laughs, but not as much as the first chapter. It’s a weird mix of humour that’s also trying to carry a plot, but neither really go anywhere. Kharn’s horny. I get it. But the 40K setting being what it is, there’s far more potential for humour through subversion than…well, this.
3/3/2015 c1 Hawki
-The cover image…love it.

-Okay, info at the start, it does establish the satire quickly, but it’s still info-dumpish, such as laying out Kharn’s achievements.

-“Have I really lost it?”

You’re a Berserker – you’ve lost it by definition. ;)

-Okay, piece as a whole…decent. It’s the kind of humour I describe as throwing stuff on the wall and seeing what sticks, given the quips being thrown around. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But I’m all for the concept.
1/16/2015 c2 11How-not-to-do-something
Kharn is definitely having a bad day.

Also, head roll call. I saw what you did there.
11/24/2014 c2 Fireburnswell
I am happy, confused by a Kharn so full of, doubt, but still happy. A fast read with humor to brighten up the day. Though it does make Kharn feel like more of a frat boy than a sociopathic murderer.
11/2/2013 c2 3Chandagnac
I found this story quite amusing, but it's so far removed from everything I know about the Warhammer 40k universe that I was unable to enjoy it. Make too many changes from canon and I get confused and lose my suspension of disbelief.

And it's weird that your version of Kharn the Betrayer (a frothing, blood-soaked berserker who would start slaughtering his own men if there was no one else left to kill) seems so normal and reasonable.
7/15/2013 c2 1shadow night 242
Good so far,well done with the humor.
6/18/2013 c2 1IronHydra
Good grammar again with the gay stuff ...
6/1/2013 c2 3AlwaysBetOnVoid
Oh my god you HAVE to continue this.
5/25/2013 c2 2The d20 Master
Same as last chapter, also, chaos don't have chapters. They have legions and war-bands. Also, Eldar ARE unable to be corrupted. And finally, chaos call the ruinous powers "The Great Powers." Hope this helps for future stories!
5/25/2013 c1 The d20 Master
Pretty good, but could use a little spelling and grammatical improvements.
2/22/2013 c2 Mar. Aaron Walker
Reading too much /tg/ mate?

Any-way, continue this one for the Emperor!

Marshal out.
2/8/2013 c2 3thesimpledaydreamer
This is an interesting idea, I can't wait to see where you go with it.
12/7/2012 c2 1timplanet
Heh heh. This is really funny.
11/15/2012 c2 Anonymous
For the love of the Emperor, please do not make Kharn gay. He's such a cool guy, don't ruin it. Other than that, real interesting story so far, good luck!
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