for Blood Secret's9/13/2012 c2 
1RedNemi
[Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong...]
Since these are sound effects, I suggest putting them in italics to distinguish them from the rest of the text.
[She yelled back to her friend.]
You have already acknowledged that the girl is talking to her friend; this second instance is not necessary.
[Ezlo kept be back...]
me*
[...it did have it perk's.]
I believe you meant for that 'it' to be possessive; its*
Also, apostrophes are usually only used to indicate possession within a word or the elimination of letters that are left silent in words when spoken of in the context of dialogue. Unless there is one perk that owns something, you do not need an apostrophe there.
[Then there was Siarra. the girl who saved his life eleven years ago from a creature that wanted too kill him. he soon came to find out that it was a vampire the attacked him that night. a race of people that devour blood to 's hasn't seen Siarra in 3 years. She said she had to leave to deal with something. He wanted to know how how Siarra could defeat something like that so easily. but it turned out that Siarra was-]
{Then there was Siarra, the girl who had saved his life eleven years ago from a creature that wanted to kill him. That creature had been a vampire, of a race of people that devour blood to survive. He hasn't seen Siarra in three years. She said she had to leave to deal with something. He wanted to know how Siarra was able to defeat something like that so easily, but it turned out that she was-}
You skipped out on a couple words there somewhere in the middle. -frowns, puzzled- but I tried to reword it for you...
[DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUN! To be continued...]
Oh! Suspense! Cliffhangers! GAAAAH I CAN'T TAKE IT!
-starts slow chant-
Update...Update...Update...Update...
But take your time; we all have lives here XD.
I tried to make this one shorter on purpose.
[I'm mostly used to drawing, not writing.]
Me too! Except I started with writing; literature was my thing until about four years ago, after which I underwent a very long art slump X.X. I SHALL NOW GO STALK YOUR DEVIANTART! XD hehe I can't wait to look at your drawings...
1RedNemi[Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong...]
Since these are sound effects, I suggest putting them in italics to distinguish them from the rest of the text.
[She yelled back to her friend.]
You have already acknowledged that the girl is talking to her friend; this second instance is not necessary.
[Ezlo kept be back...]
me*
[...it did have it perk's.]
I believe you meant for that 'it' to be possessive; its*
Also, apostrophes are usually only used to indicate possession within a word or the elimination of letters that are left silent in words when spoken of in the context of dialogue. Unless there is one perk that owns something, you do not need an apostrophe there.
[Then there was Siarra. the girl who saved his life eleven years ago from a creature that wanted too kill him. he soon came to find out that it was a vampire the attacked him that night. a race of people that devour blood to 's hasn't seen Siarra in 3 years. She said she had to leave to deal with something. He wanted to know how how Siarra could defeat something like that so easily. but it turned out that Siarra was-]
{Then there was Siarra, the girl who had saved his life eleven years ago from a creature that wanted to kill him. That creature had been a vampire, of a race of people that devour blood to survive. He hasn't seen Siarra in three years. She said she had to leave to deal with something. He wanted to know how Siarra was able to defeat something like that so easily, but it turned out that she was-}
You skipped out on a couple words there somewhere in the middle. -frowns, puzzled- but I tried to reword it for you...
[DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUN! To be continued...]
Oh! Suspense! Cliffhangers! GAAAAH I CAN'T TAKE IT!
-starts slow chant-
Update...Update...Update...Update...
But take your time; we all have lives here XD.
I tried to make this one shorter on purpose.
[I'm mostly used to drawing, not writing.]
Me too! Except I started with writing; literature was my thing until about four years ago, after which I underwent a very long art slump X.X. I SHALL NOW GO STALK YOUR DEVIANTART! XD hehe I can't wait to look at your drawings...
9/13/2012 c1 RedNemi
O.O I completely forgot that I had read this! I'm so sorry DX I woulda reviewed sooner.
I love all things Vaati, so this story is already pretty darn close to perfect just for having him on the cast list XD. But Siarra is also on my list of favored characters. She's pretty awesome, judging by the awesome vampire-slicing you have going on in there XD.
Alright...and now we go to the complete butchering of this chapter...
["It's cold…" complains a young boy with, long lavender hair that covers his bright crimson red eyes, wearing a long violet tunic and dark red pants and shoes.]
The thought "It's cold" is complete, so the ellipsis isn't really necessary-also the comma after 'with' should be after 'long'.
{"It's cold," complains a young boy with long, lavender hair, which covers his bright crimson eyes. He wears a long violet tunic and dark red pants and shoes.}
I also paraphrased a little. The sentence itself felt a little long.
[he asks innocently looking at the snowflakes that fall on his small hands.]
Just stick a comma in there...
"he asks innocently, looking..."
[So slowly he gets up and looks around at his surroundings to figure out where he is.]
'So' is a conjunction; it is usually preceeded by a comma, not a period. I suggest cutting it out. "He slowly gets up..."
[An eerie voice speaks from within the snowy blizzard "Are you lost, little one?" the voice asked in a mocking voice. It was a woman. he looked up into the speaking woman's hungry glowing red eyes "I want…your blood!" as she exclaimed as she launched herself at him with a crazed hunger look in her eyes and her glistening white fangs bared.]
"An eerie voice speaks from within the snowy blizzard: "Are you lost, little one?" The voice's tone mocks him, then a figure steps forward and reveals a woman. He looks up into her hungry, glowing red eyes. "I want your blood!" She launches herself at him with a bared fang and a crazed, hungry look reflecting in her irises."
I tried to fix the cases of repetition that reared their ugly heads here, and I also tried to keep your parallelism directed into the present tense.
['A vampire…!']
I assume this is a train of thought. Usually, to better distinguish such things from the tangibility of spoken dialogue, I put this italics.
[The young boys red eyes widened huge in fear at that, and staggered back and fell back into the snow. His small terrified face looked up scared at his attacker as she grabbed on to his arms to hold him in place. He struggled as much as he could to get out of her grip, but no avail, and grew tired from the struggle.]
"The young boy's red eyes widen in fear at the realization, and he staggers back and falls down into the snow. His small, terrified face looks up, scared, at his attacker as she latches onto his arms to hold him in place. He struggles as best he can to escape her grip, but to no avail, and he soon grows tired from his struggle."
Again, I tried to make the parallelism consistent and I also rephrased a few things. If you want a full, in-depth explanation of everything I did...PM me, haha. I'm not trying to take up your life with this review XD.
[Just as the crazed vampire leaned into his neck to bite him... a long thin sword came down and sliced right through her from head down, Blood spatting onto his cheek. And the vampire then burst into blue ashes and blew away in the wind like dust, to reveal a young woman with long dark hair and pale skin, a long black dress with frills on the ends, and a long black furry coat and tall boots. The girl put the Katana away back its sheath on hip. She walked up to him and kneeled down to his level. "Are you alright?" she held out her delicate hand to offer to help him stand up.]
{Just as the crazed vampire leans into his neck to bite him, a long, thin sword comes down and slices down the center of her body longways from her head to her feet, blood spurting out onto his cheek and clothes. The vampire then bursts into blue dust particles that blow away in the wind, revealing the young woman behind her that had saved him. She has long, dark hair, pale skin, a long black dress with frills on the ends, a long, black, furry coat, and tall boots. The girl puts the sword, a Katana, away back into the sheath on her hip. She walks up to him and kneels down to his level.
"Are you alright?" She holds a delicate hand out, offering to help him stand up.}
Again, parallelism and rewording. This does seem like it would flow more smoothly in the past tense.
["Hey…wake up. Where here."]
we're*
I'm not going to pick through this and paraphrase it so it's in the present tense, because it really does feel like it would flow more smoothly in the past, and I really like this story so far, and I don't want you to hate me for ripping it up and tearing it apart like I have been. ): But if you want me to rip it up and throw it through the paper shredder the rest of the way, I'll PM it to you. Just specify which tense you want it it, please, if you do.
As an introduction/opening scene, I'm in love with it. It has Vaati, Vaati almost dies, Heroic OC Siarra to the rescue! Haha I look forward to reading future chapters XD.
O.O I completely forgot that I had read this! I'm so sorry DX I woulda reviewed sooner.
I love all things Vaati, so this story is already pretty darn close to perfect just for having him on the cast list XD. But Siarra is also on my list of favored characters. She's pretty awesome, judging by the awesome vampire-slicing you have going on in there XD.
Alright...and now we go to the complete butchering of this chapter...
["It's cold…" complains a young boy with, long lavender hair that covers his bright crimson red eyes, wearing a long violet tunic and dark red pants and shoes.]
The thought "It's cold" is complete, so the ellipsis isn't really necessary-also the comma after 'with' should be after 'long'.
{"It's cold," complains a young boy with long, lavender hair, which covers his bright crimson eyes. He wears a long violet tunic and dark red pants and shoes.}
I also paraphrased a little. The sentence itself felt a little long.
[he asks innocently looking at the snowflakes that fall on his small hands.]
Just stick a comma in there...
"he asks innocently, looking..."
[So slowly he gets up and looks around at his surroundings to figure out where he is.]
'So' is a conjunction; it is usually preceeded by a comma, not a period. I suggest cutting it out. "He slowly gets up..."
[An eerie voice speaks from within the snowy blizzard "Are you lost, little one?" the voice asked in a mocking voice. It was a woman. he looked up into the speaking woman's hungry glowing red eyes "I want…your blood!" as she exclaimed as she launched herself at him with a crazed hunger look in her eyes and her glistening white fangs bared.]
"An eerie voice speaks from within the snowy blizzard: "Are you lost, little one?" The voice's tone mocks him, then a figure steps forward and reveals a woman. He looks up into her hungry, glowing red eyes. "I want your blood!" She launches herself at him with a bared fang and a crazed, hungry look reflecting in her irises."
I tried to fix the cases of repetition that reared their ugly heads here, and I also tried to keep your parallelism directed into the present tense.
['A vampire…!']
I assume this is a train of thought. Usually, to better distinguish such things from the tangibility of spoken dialogue, I put this italics.
[The young boys red eyes widened huge in fear at that, and staggered back and fell back into the snow. His small terrified face looked up scared at his attacker as she grabbed on to his arms to hold him in place. He struggled as much as he could to get out of her grip, but no avail, and grew tired from the struggle.]
"The young boy's red eyes widen in fear at the realization, and he staggers back and falls down into the snow. His small, terrified face looks up, scared, at his attacker as she latches onto his arms to hold him in place. He struggles as best he can to escape her grip, but to no avail, and he soon grows tired from his struggle."
Again, I tried to make the parallelism consistent and I also rephrased a few things. If you want a full, in-depth explanation of everything I did...PM me, haha. I'm not trying to take up your life with this review XD.
[Just as the crazed vampire leaned into his neck to bite him... a long thin sword came down and sliced right through her from head down, Blood spatting onto his cheek. And the vampire then burst into blue ashes and blew away in the wind like dust, to reveal a young woman with long dark hair and pale skin, a long black dress with frills on the ends, and a long black furry coat and tall boots. The girl put the Katana away back its sheath on hip. She walked up to him and kneeled down to his level. "Are you alright?" she held out her delicate hand to offer to help him stand up.]
{Just as the crazed vampire leans into his neck to bite him, a long, thin sword comes down and slices down the center of her body longways from her head to her feet, blood spurting out onto his cheek and clothes. The vampire then bursts into blue dust particles that blow away in the wind, revealing the young woman behind her that had saved him. She has long, dark hair, pale skin, a long black dress with frills on the ends, a long, black, furry coat, and tall boots. The girl puts the sword, a Katana, away back into the sheath on her hip. She walks up to him and kneels down to his level.
"Are you alright?" She holds a delicate hand out, offering to help him stand up.}
Again, parallelism and rewording. This does seem like it would flow more smoothly in the past tense.
["Hey…wake up. Where here."]
we're*
I'm not going to pick through this and paraphrase it so it's in the present tense, because it really does feel like it would flow more smoothly in the past, and I really like this story so far, and I don't want you to hate me for ripping it up and tearing it apart like I have been. ): But if you want me to rip it up and throw it through the paper shredder the rest of the way, I'll PM it to you. Just specify which tense you want it it, please, if you do.
As an introduction/opening scene, I'm in love with it. It has Vaati, Vaati almost dies, Heroic OC Siarra to the rescue! Haha I look forward to reading future chapters XD.
4/18/2012 c1 finding a place in their heart
Okay. So I read the first chapter and I must say it's good. When he says it's cold, I think it would be best to say after that, complained a young boy. Then go on to describe what he looks like. Maybe...Long lavender hair fell along his back, and his bangs covered his bright red or scarlet eyes? He wore a long violet tunic with dark red pants and shoes. What kid of shoes? Slip on, or boots? What color are they? Rubbing his arms, he shivers as he sits in a pile of snow.
Um, are you doing this in past tense or present? Which ever way is fine, but I think past tense is a lot easier. ^^
"What's white? What's snow?" he asks innocently looking at the snowflakes that fall on his small hands.
Instead of looking, use staring instead. It's a bigger word. When I write my fanfictions, I use a dictionary or a theasaurus to help me out. It's reall hard to use bigger words, so I have that to help me out or the internet. lol. And then staring at the snowflakes fall 'gracefully' in his 'petite' hands. Just another words to help out. ^^
It is something that isn't red… the voice on the wind speaks again.
"Where am I?" he asks out loud, but hears no response. So slowly he gets up and looks around at his surroundings to figure out where he is.
'So' is not needed. Just use eliminate that. And when he looks around his surroudings, try he searched or seaches his surroundings, trying to locate just where he was.
An eerie voice speaks from within the snowy blizzard "Are you lost, little one?" the voice asked in a mocking voice. It was a woman. he looked up into the speaking woman's hungry glowing red eyes "I want…your blood!" as she exclaimed as she launched herself at him with a crazed hunger look in her eyes and her glistening white fangs bared.
'I want your blood.' She suddenly exclaimed. Before the boy could react fast enough, she launched herself at him, with a crazed look in her eyes. You've already used hunger. It's not needed. Her white fangs glistned, ready to bite at his flesh and feel the warm blood in her mouth.
'A vampire…!' Is he thinking this? When I have my character thinking something, I italize it. It helps to seperate what they're saying. And you can bring up the next paragraph with that thought below. You don't have to make a new paragraph. Keep it one thought.
The young boys red eyes widened huge in fear at that, and staggered back and fell back into the snow.
Okay, With his eyes widening in fear, he staggered back, but he fell, and he knew he didn't have enough time to escape. Terrified, he could do nothing more but watch as his attack grasped his arms, easily holding him still. Any attempt at struggling was to no avail, and he grew tired.
Just as the crazed vampire leaned into his neck to bite him... a long thin sword came down and sliced right through her from head down, Blood spatting onto his cheek.Change 'just as' to Before she could lean down and bite his soft flesh at the neck, something happened, something she had not expected.
A long, thin blade sliced her in two, and the blood from his attacker splattered onto his face.
I hope this helped. Your writing is very good, and I'm curious to know what happens next! What helps me sometimes, is that I'll let my work go for a while, and then come back to it and reread what I had written before. I ussually rewrite it, and it comes out a lot better.
^^ Please keep up the good work. And if you need any help at all, let me know. I'll be glad to assist. ^^
Okay. So I read the first chapter and I must say it's good. When he says it's cold, I think it would be best to say after that, complained a young boy. Then go on to describe what he looks like. Maybe...Long lavender hair fell along his back, and his bangs covered his bright red or scarlet eyes? He wore a long violet tunic with dark red pants and shoes. What kid of shoes? Slip on, or boots? What color are they? Rubbing his arms, he shivers as he sits in a pile of snow.
Um, are you doing this in past tense or present? Which ever way is fine, but I think past tense is a lot easier. ^^
"What's white? What's snow?" he asks innocently looking at the snowflakes that fall on his small hands.
Instead of looking, use staring instead. It's a bigger word. When I write my fanfictions, I use a dictionary or a theasaurus to help me out. It's reall hard to use bigger words, so I have that to help me out or the internet. lol. And then staring at the snowflakes fall 'gracefully' in his 'petite' hands. Just another words to help out. ^^
It is something that isn't red… the voice on the wind speaks again.
"Where am I?" he asks out loud, but hears no response. So slowly he gets up and looks around at his surroundings to figure out where he is.
'So' is not needed. Just use eliminate that. And when he looks around his surroudings, try he searched or seaches his surroundings, trying to locate just where he was.
An eerie voice speaks from within the snowy blizzard "Are you lost, little one?" the voice asked in a mocking voice. It was a woman. he looked up into the speaking woman's hungry glowing red eyes "I want…your blood!" as she exclaimed as she launched herself at him with a crazed hunger look in her eyes and her glistening white fangs bared.
'I want your blood.' She suddenly exclaimed. Before the boy could react fast enough, she launched herself at him, with a crazed look in her eyes. You've already used hunger. It's not needed. Her white fangs glistned, ready to bite at his flesh and feel the warm blood in her mouth.
'A vampire…!' Is he thinking this? When I have my character thinking something, I italize it. It helps to seperate what they're saying. And you can bring up the next paragraph with that thought below. You don't have to make a new paragraph. Keep it one thought.
The young boys red eyes widened huge in fear at that, and staggered back and fell back into the snow.
Okay, With his eyes widening in fear, he staggered back, but he fell, and he knew he didn't have enough time to escape. Terrified, he could do nothing more but watch as his attack grasped his arms, easily holding him still. Any attempt at struggling was to no avail, and he grew tired.
Just as the crazed vampire leaned into his neck to bite him... a long thin sword came down and sliced right through her from head down, Blood spatting onto his cheek.Change 'just as' to Before she could lean down and bite his soft flesh at the neck, something happened, something she had not expected.
A long, thin blade sliced her in two, and the blood from his attacker splattered onto his face.
I hope this helped. Your writing is very good, and I'm curious to know what happens next! What helps me sometimes, is that I'll let my work go for a while, and then come back to it and reread what I had written before. I ussually rewrite it, and it comes out a lot better.
^^ Please keep up the good work. And if you need any help at all, let me know. I'll be glad to assist. ^^
4/18/2012 c2 4BlankBlood
Yup, I'm gonna go with the Yuki!Twist. AKA Vaati was always a vampire and didn't know it.
4BlankBloodYup, I'm gonna go with the Yuki!Twist. AKA Vaati was always a vampire and didn't know it.
4/18/2012 c1 BlankBlood
A vampire attacking a child? PFFFFFF, we have a lot more class than that. I only drink from criminals, blood bags and willing doners.
Subtlety is key. LOL, who am I kidding, I love flashing my fangs in public!
Vampire jokes aside, this seems a bit like Vampire Knight, just seeing from the first chapter. But who knows.
A vampire attacking a child? PFFFFFF, we have a lot more class than that. I only drink from criminals, blood bags and willing doners.
Subtlety is key. LOL, who am I kidding, I love flashing my fangs in public!
Vampire jokes aside, this seems a bit like Vampire Knight, just seeing from the first chapter. But who knows.
11/28/2011 c1 Unactivefornow
I do enjoy a good mystery, and some friendship to help Vaati out. From what I read so far Siarra will be a very good allie in this story. Update soon okay :D
I do enjoy a good mystery, and some friendship to help Vaati out. From what I read so far Siarra will be a very good allie in this story. Update soon okay :D