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for Saints Row: Redemption

12/4/2011 c1 6CharNobyl
Hmm...I might as well give my initial impressions to start this off. They were mostly shaped by this passage:

"Leaving the grave as anonymously as possible he was being soaked even though he wore his hoodie and kept walking as he saw while walking a woman wearing black and had an umbrella to shelter herself from the rain and was looking down on a grave as she was just silent, he could only see her from the back but he then got a look at her face and saw she had raven black hair which was tied up and a pair of purple sunglasses and a purple cross chain around her neck, she was holding a purse, she wore a long purple coat, a black turtleneck with a long black skirt and tights with knee high black boots."

Now, the first time I read it, 'passage' seemed like the wrong word for it somehow. Then I realized why that was the case: it was one sentence. A massive, terrifying, run-on sentence. The substance wasn't terribly good, either. Even split apart, it was awkwardly worded, and I'm wary of any story that seems to be introducing a main character that is described, in any way, using 'raven' as an adjective.

I'm also usually wary of fics that lean heavily on in-game terminology in lieu of descriptions (ie, Shepards, Raycaster), and of stories that introduce OC mains with two first names.

But most of that is just my personal preferences. Concrete issues include the continued use of run-on sentences, clumsy wording, flat descriptions, and poor characterization. The more I read, the more motivation I find to stop reading. And frankly, that's what I'm going to do. I'm a third of the way through chapter two, and things are only getting worse.
12/2/2011 c2 Bearybeary
I bet he going to do a funny and ridiculous mission.
11/28/2011 c1 2blood4poppies
i like it. I agree with Tayy.Babe though, you should focus on detail a little bit more, but I'm excited for whats to come! :)
11/26/2011 c1 11Tayy.Babe
Interesting. I like the idea.

Just make sure you put more detail into your writing so it doesn't seem so..idk, plain?

Anyway i'm glad someone likes Viola just as much as me!
11/26/2011 c1 Fearless Flawless
Nice story,I love Viola so this look's like the perfect story,When's the next chapter.keep it up.
11/26/2011 c1 DeliverAntz
Not too bad at all. I like the way you've got your OC in the thick of things from the get go, and you've given him an opportunity to be a badass from the way that he talks to the way he seems to handle a fight. Maybe could have come up with a better name for the antagonists, but then again, volition used the deckers and that sounds awful, so eh. All in all, Great intro, keen for the next update.
11/26/2011 c1 2animevideogame freak
interesting start so far update soon
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