Just In
for The Envelope

3/2/2020 c8 idk guess
ahhhhhh sorry I just HAD to HAD to read about elves in fast food restaurants today and it was so so so good like I had remembered the Drama the Wickedness being trapped and forcedd ohhh what a wicked Curvo
3/2/2020 c4 idk guess
Is he a chinchilla? OHMYGOD

babe, Curufin, babe oh my god

I'm taking offence to that Fingon comment though but Fingon oh babyyyyyy
6/2/2019 c20 16Child of Dreams
3/10/2019 c20 62Sauron Gorthaur
Ah, and here it is, the Grand Finale! Oo, I liked the solution to Crackers’ problem by giving Tolkien a taste of his own medicine. And the quotes Crackers chose were just perfect to describe her situation. How many hours of going through Tolkien books did it take for you to come up with that? :P

The scene with “Tollers” and Jack was very humorous, though I am skeptical about Tolkien being addicted to an iPhone game. I rather think he’d be the one ranting about how such things are a brain-rotting waste of time :) Jack’s lines were amusing on point, especially “it's really high time you put away That Thing and did something productive here.” The capitalization of “That Thing” is just so inherently Lewis-like. Also, the appearance of Manwë as a FAULTY agent with Tolkien as his boss/god was a humorous surprise.

(((The one time she'd read it, she'd all but drowned in the early drafts of Akallabêth.))) Hmm, my name-sake does not know how he feels about this particularly cutting pun. I however chortled.

Also, for some reason I was pleased to see that Crackers and her family did indeed get a replacement TV. Considering how traumatized Crackers probably is now after babysitting homicidal Elves for several days, I figure that is probably the least the Tolkien could do.

Thanks for taking us on this wild (and admittedly silly) romp. It has been nice over these last months to plop down in my recliner to read and review something unabashedly light-hearted and goofy. Crack!fic has a dear and special place in the world alongside writing of a more serious nature, and sometimes the best medicine is a good laugh :) There have been plenty of those on this little journey into the goofy side of your imagination.

Thanks again, and cheers!

-Sauron Gorthaur
3/8/2019 c19 Sauron Gorthaur
Hmm, I have to be honest that I’m not sure where all of this is going. They are doing the literal actions suggested by each envelope message, but that is obviously not getting them anywhere. I’ve looked back through the different messages to see if I can find some sort of connecting element, but nothing is springing out at me. I guess I am too literal as well :) Anyhow, it appears I shall just have to carry on to the final chapter to see what the riddle of the envelope is and what they are supposed to do to end Crackers’ little nightmare.

Agreed that it is odd that Sauron’s conlang would have such a harsh quality to it. I have not been able to come up with a suitable headcanon as to why that would be the case, other than it reflecting the embittering and debasing of his own spirit as he becomes increasingly more degenerate. Maedhros’s comment that the Black Speech was similar to the oaths he heard in Angband was an interesting note – that perhaps Sauron drew some inspiration from the languages of Angband, as there were probably quite a few.

It seems in character that Fingon and the other Elves would be very touchy about people speaking vaguely curse-like things around or towards them, all things considered :P

((("Only because all you can cover is one ear," snickered Eöl.))) Oh my goodness, Eol would, wouldn’t he? I am truly surprised that the worst thing that has happened to him the entire story is being stuffed in a car trunk.

Nice touch about the “scornful words” mentioned in the Silmarillion being Thingol’s Elves mocking them with songs about how great Luthien was. All the Elves reactions to having to sing the Luthien song were exquisitely, if exaggeratedly (as is the way for Crack!fic), in character.

On to the last chapter and the End of All Things!

-Sauron Gorthaur
3/3/2019 c18 Sauron Gorthaur
I love how the riddles told brought out the personalities of the characters (Maedhros’s and Fingon’s fairly sophisticated, traditional, and elegant riddles, Crackers throwing out a popular riddle and only then realizing that the Elves probably don’t have the necessary information to figure it out, Maeglin designing his whole riddle around annoying his dad). Also, it seemed like everyone was getting in on the snarky answers: I had to chuckle at Curufin’s “Luthien Tinuviel” answer and Maedhros’s “Vanyar” answer. For the latter, it would seem that some of Fëanor’s disdain for the people of Ingwe rubbed off a bit on his eldest son.

The Elves listing off all the reasons they have to hate Tolkien was one of those amusing but also grim and sobering moments. Tolkien really wasn’t nice to any of them (though it’s a good thing plush Turin wasn’t there to comment). I was slightly surprised they knew who Tolkien was, but it added for an interesting element to the chapter as their reluctance to do anything per Tolkien’s instructions was understandable. I could not help but snort though that the worst thing Eol could come up with was being given Maeglin as a son…but then I guess Eol is primarily the one inflicting unpleasantness upon other people in the book.

Also, very random, but I chuckled a bit about the disclaimer in the envelope mentioning if someone loses a finger, given how much that seems to happen in the Tolkienverse.


-Sauron Gorthaur
2/14/2019 c17 Sauron Gorthaur
Tolkienian Elves with brightly colored band aids is a wonderful mental image. Thank you for that. It also reminds me of a time my family was on vacation at the beach and we realized we did not have any sunscreen and we went to numerous stores and literally all we could find was Smurf Sunscreen (yes, that’s what it was called and yes, it turned you the color that one would expect from the name).

(("Etiquette's for cravens," remarked Eöl from the recliner. "That's why I didn't teach my son any.")) *Snort* Just what I’d expect from Eol aka the Elf who thinks it’s fine to stalk ladies, lure them to your home, and convince them to become your wife under *very* suspicious and dubious circumstances.

I see Maedhros is back to his dapper, charismatic self after his little scuffle. I guess it is in character for him to be struck with remorse for the damage of rash, ill deeds done :P

((Curufin and Eöl scrubbed the couch and carpet with Oxyclean; I believe that each (accidentally, of course) received a spray in the face at some point.)) Oh my word, these two are literal six-year-olds.

Oo, ouch, Crackers’ mother isn’t pulling any punches. Kicking them out onto the street and letting them get picked up by the police, ouch. Even if they deserve it, I do hope that Envelope starts working, Crackers figures out what she needs to do, and everyone gets a happy ending (or, well, the Elves can go back to their original unhappy ending anyway).

-Sauron Gorthaur
2/10/2019 c16 Sauron Gorthaur
I feel like this chapter could be alternately titled “In Which Maeglin Is the Very Definition of Uselessness.” Oh my gosh, he’s such a lazy, snotty, smug teenager in this, he could be the poster child for that teenager stereotype. I also totally saw That Thing you did in the first paragraph about the “sharp glance.” Hehehe.

Crackers’ journey from panic to a sort of resigned sense of Doom during felt about right :D At least she knows the Silmarillion well enough to know better than making any attempt to actually get in between a bunch of elves with kinslaying thoughts on the mind.

If Crackers doesn’t get that Envelope back up and running and find a solution soon, I have a feeling the Grand Matriarch is going to be dumping five Elves onto the street to fend for themselves whether they like it or not :P


-Sauron Gorthaur
1/28/2019 c15 Sauron Gorthaur
Ah, there it is: the quick descent into utter madness and ruin that I figured would come along sooner or later. As soon as the remote strap was mentioned, I figured the TV was a goner, though frankly I expected it to happen with one of the elves attempting to throw the remote at one of the other elves, rather than the cat. But I am not the least surprised that things have finally made it, one way or another, into an elven battle royale catfight.

There were a good many Excellent Lines in this chapter. The best part was definitely the elves’ shock and horror over the Valar Miis (which sounds like something I would totally do, except there would certainly be a Sauron one in there). Fingon’s “blaspheme” line had the perfect deadpan humor.

Some other starred lines:

"Like the cup of Noldorin oppression!"

"Was not even my mother spared?" Maedhros sounded Shocked and Abhorred.

"There isn't the right hair when you're trying to make one," she elaborated, hoping her words didn't also say, "Trust me, I tried."

(That last one in particular made me laugh because I’ve been there, done that – well, not making attempting to make Fëanorian Miis, but the gist of not wanting to own up to how many Slightly Odd things one has done for the sake of fandom.)


-Sauron Gorthaur

P.S. I hope F.A.U.L.T.Y. pays for a new TV.
1/13/2019 c14 Sauron Gorthaur
Oh my goodness, that was hilarious. This very well may be my favorite chapter so far, regardless of it being complete crack :) Oh my, I’m still cackling from the image of those four elves attempting to play Sorry. Story Crackers, what were you thinking? From the very first sentence of the chapter, I knew this was going to be a spectacle and I was not disappointed in the least. It is a good thing they abandoned it when they did; a game of Sorry can bring totally normal, non-homical humans to blows, and I’m pretty sure someone would have ended up stabbed before another round was up.

Curufin was enjoying himself *way* too much, just as it should be. Sorry is a game that could have been hand-made for Curufin: of course, he’d be the one to have the absolutely obligatory “sorry, not sorry” line. I’m also enjoying the snotty, sarcastic, greasy-haired teenager vibe that Maeglin was giving off this whole chapter. And wow, you know things are getting pretty heated when even Fingon is getting in some burns… ("Then he got that from your genes.")
My favorite moment however was this absolutely perfect beat: (((“…he reached the position occupied by a token of a certain (green, of course) colour. He flashed a grin both sinister and shameless. "Sorr-" he began, but was stopped by a single, loud hand-clap.
Fingon was smiling winsomely. "I have a delightful idea," he said, taking down his hands and folding them in his lap. "Why don't we play something different?"))) It is just a perfectly timed and executed beat. This is the type of crack I live for.

Bahaha, oh dear, Cracker’s understated “let’s not…” in response to the elves’ questioning about playing MonoPOLEly. I can just see the gears turning in her head as she images the widespread bloodshed, destruction, desolation, and Doom that allowing the elves to play Monopoly would unleash upon the world.

Hmm, I wonder if the envelope’s cryptic note about Luthien and Beren will prove to have something to do with how to get the elves back home and out of Cracker’s hair. That is my guess for the moment… Meanwhile, I shall enjoy the crackiness of seeing what elves playing a Wii is like. There’s no way this could end poorly!

Thanks for the laughs. Cheers!

-Sauron Gorthaur
1/1/2019 c13 Sauron Gorthaur
Given the title of the chapter, I was expecting at least a couple of Norse myth references and my Norse-myth-loving heart was not disappointed. The reference to the linguistic benefits of dragon flesh in particular made me chuckle. And what could possibly go wrong with a flying hammer in a room full of passive-aggressive Elves, right?

Speaking of passive-aggressive Elves, I liked the building tension between the three remaining ones, mounting in true Noldorin fashion from passive-aggressive snark to outright hostility and threats to plushify one another. You know they’ve got to be getting to the breaking point when even Maedhros and Fingon are snippy at each other.

I am almost interested in what might have happened if they had attempted to take the Elves to the church service with them. Horrible, sacrilegious things no doubt, but I have a perverse curiosity all the same.

This whole story arc of Curufin and the dragon seems to have come to a close, but seeing as we’ve still got a number of chapters to go, I am interested in what new arc will make an appearance and what they will do with their time. Will Crackers find a way to get them back to their own land and out of her hair? Will they become a permanent addition to the family?

Happy 2019! Cheers!

-Sauron Gorthaur
12/24/2018 c12 Sauron Gorthaur
The image of Fingon heroically stabbing the plush dragon with a pocket knife, only to have it burst into obnoxious recorded music, was a great moment of comedy that I could picture wonderfully clearly in my mind’s eye. It had just the perfect beat before the thing started singing, and Maeglin’s deadpan line afterwards hit just right as well. It’s a moment that I would love to see in fan art format.

Maeglin’s creative solution to the seats vs passengers problem was just what I’d expect from him as well. As soon as he piped up about the program, I had a suspicion about just what he was planning on doing.

Those obnoxious singing toys are always more robust than what you’d expect and ridiculously hard to kill. I look forward to the band’s further attempts to slay the beast. Cheers!

-Sauron Gorthaur
12/24/2018 c11 Sauron Gorthaur
That was surprisingly anxiety-inducing, particularly as they were nearing the checkout lanes. I was thinking for sure that some employee would demand they open the suitcase and they’d either have to do some quick thinking or be in a very awkward situation indeed. Luckily, it sounds like they are in the clear now though, at least as far as Walmart is concerned.

“The case of Curufin” sounds oddly and amusingly like something that might actually be out of Tolkien’s legendarium.

Eol was the highlight of this chapter for me. I love how you write his snarky, dark humor – it has a touch of gallows’ humor to it. Also, the fact that he seems to care the least of all of them if this all blows up in their faces is completely believable. I chuckled over the fact that he even got a bit of smile out of Fingon with his first comment, as if our High King couldn’t quite help himself because he is unfortunately aware that Curufin is rather a bit of snit and probably deserves being stuffed into a suitcase at least a wee bit.

-Sauron Gorthaur
12/24/2018 c10 Sauron Gorthaur
The dauntless authoress is improving at deducing the meaning of the clues from the letter, I see. The solution took a turn that I was not expecting – my guess was that Curufin’s state had something to do with him being too far away from Crackers or something similar. The prospect of the intrepid gang “slaying” the plush dragon is amusing however.

Certain references to Tolkien’s linguistic inquiries as a child duly noted and chuckled over.

Eol and Maeglin’s bickering at the beginning of the chapter made me snicker. It seems oddly in character that the Quenyan words that Eol would have picked up would have been those of a more vulgar nature. I also have a sneaking suspicion that Eol is one of those sorts who would know quite a bit more Quenyan than he lets on, like the cool kids who know more fangirl and nerd terms than they would ever admit to but who let slip a little of their elicit knowledge every once in a while.

What, Maedhros is not eager to stuff Curufin into a suitcase? I would think that sounds like a brother’s dream :P But then again, Maedhros is a gentleman, so I guess not :)

A Merry Christmas to you, your family, and any plush guests you might have! Cheers!

-Sauron Gorthaur
12/24/2018 c9 Sauron Gorthaur
Ah, clever, clever. I enjoyed the little mini-riddle within the Envelope’s note this time and how they had to figure out what the equivalent of “Doriath” in Cracker’s city would be. I did not pick up on what the quote might mean before Fingon read the “translated” version. I think that’s the most useful message the Envelope has given them so far.

I like how all the Elves are getting increasingly snarky with each other, even Fingon and Maedhros, which speaks volumes to their exasperation level.

Hmm, this new problem generates new questions, but at least Curufin won’t run off on them again for the time being. I was a little afraid they’d find him attempting to raid the jewelry department… I wonder how many of them will vote to just leave him that way.

I got a chuckle out of the movie!Scottish!Gimli line. I like many things about the movie but Gimli is indeed seriously OOC. I had a professor in college who ran a Tolkien club who would rant about how the movies had botched Gimli’s character so badly.

Also, on an extremely random and writerly note, “miffed grimace” is such a wonderful and expressive phrase. “Miffed” and “grimace” happen to be two of my favorite words, and it made me happy in that strange yet oh-so-specific way that seeing other people use your favorite words does. Or maybe that’s just me.

Good chapter. I’m interested to see how they go about attempting to resolve their newest problem. Cheers!

-Sauron Gorthaur
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