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for TLoS: Forging Anew

12/12/2012 c3 2wearelegion97
Well, I'm certainly faving this. Why don't you give a hit to some possible bad guy if you're stuck. It could spice things up a bit. And you might want to check your work a bit, there's a few mistakes here and there. For your first fanfic though, I'd say this is pretty good. Your grammar is pretty neat as well. Better than mine when I started.
1/7/2012 c1 6CharredFox
Oh hai thar!

As requested, a review. Since I do not know the Spyro continuum at all, I've asked a friend to go over it as well- I'm just going to be focusing on general writing critiques. For the most part, your stuff looks pretty good, and I have to say the thing that seems most important to tell you here is to read it out loud to yourself. I know that's not always easy, and can be a pain, and makes you feel silly- but trust me, it's worth it. You'll get a feel for where the natural pauses should be, and where wording could be less awkward.

So I'm not going to go over this with a careful red pen, but try and point out consistent errors where I see them (and things you're doing well, of course). (For example, spelling. You have clearly run a spellcheck and/or been very careful, and it shows! Good job on that.)

First thing: dialogue. The spoken lines themselves feel pretty natural, which is a big hurdle- it can be very tough to get your characters' natural speaking voices, instead of stilted... non-dialogue. In your little flashback, I'd point out that normally each new speaker gets their own new paragraph, but I understand why you went with one long text-block, since it's a flashback.

However, that does raise the point of tenses. The way you lead into the flashback with Ignitus, it almost seems as though the scene is happening right there- because your voice is third-person and generally past tense. For example: i...he renewed his efforts.../i Although you're talking about something that's happening 'now' in the story, the verb is past tense- but you use the same tense at the start of the flashback: i...Ignitus bade him wait a moment./i Using the... uh, crap, I'm not going to remember the technical name. Past participle? Past ongoing? Basically, it should be iAs the red dragon had made to take his leave, Ignitus had bidden him wait a moment./i That way, you're establishing through verb tense that this scene takes place before the current scene- also, an extra line break, something like three asterisks centered, or the like, can make flashbacks more apparent to your readers.

Alright- now, as to dialogue. This is something I have trouble verbalizing, so bear with me- if you still have questions, we can maybe go over it later. Basically, the way you end your quotations seems backwards, in a few places. The first line: i...How much farther is that benighted beach!" the complaint of the flying red dragon.../i Since you end the quote with a full stop (sort of), the next sentence, outside of the speaker's voice, should be a new sentence. Like so: i"...How much farther is that benighted beach!" The complaint of the flying red dragon.../i

Similarly, you later have this: i"...I never would've accepted their stupid 'proposal'." He complained to himself.../i You're ending the quote with a full stop, but it doesn't seem to... fit, if you take my meaning. It might be easier to understand if you try saying that paragraph out loud; basically, the part outside of the spoken words makes more sense as a continuation- on its own, it seems fragmented. i"...I never would've accepted their stupid 'proposal,'" he complained to himself.../i

Make sense? Like I said, if not, we can go over it- I know it gets weird and complicated; I don't understand it all myself, beyond just by feel. That's what happens when you have a language cobbled together from leftover Latin nouns, half-conjugated Anglo verbs, and stolen Germanic... bits and pieces- it's a bloody mess. Anyway!

The next thing I'd point out is your use of commas. Although you do quite well in some places, there are others where they seem to be lacking- again, and I know I'm repeating myself, reading it out loud will help with this tremendously. The example that springs to mind is here:

iLaughing a bit he continued "That'll throw them all for a bit of a loop I wager" He was now grinning like a fool./i

Which I'd edit as this: iLaughing a bit, he continued, "That'll throw them all for a bit of a loop, I wager!" He was now grinning like a fool./i

That's all I've got for the first chapter- like I said, an extra line with maybe three asterisks or dashes will help your flashbacks stand out a great deal, and there are a few places where your paragraphs seem a bit dense- but that's most likely a stylistic thing. Overall, not bad!

And now that your eyes have glazed over from the Dread Review of Doom and Enormity, I'll take off- the other two chapters, I'll take a look at when I get a chance. Talk to you later!
1/7/2012 c3 1Sadchouli
Hello! So this is an interesting story you have going on so far. However, I do have a few... issues with it. Mainly in your OC, the red dragon. He doesn't seem to have a name, and it makes conversing with and about hit difficult. He also seems very... special.

For example, instead of hands on his wings, he has tongs which would be massively useful to someone working in a forge. Added with the fact he has a hammer as a tailblade, he seems quite uniquely suited to work in one. The fact that his earth element stands in his way is confusing, as he is describe as having the second best work, next to a forge master, and yet is turned down for such a trivial reason.

Now, he then proceeds to make something that completely astounds the elder forge master, with centuries of experience, when he only has somewhere over 11. The living robotic dragon he creates sounds amazingly complex, yet he manages to make another two in half of the time, despite him showing relief the process even worked at all. He was able to double his efficiency almost immeidetly, and with something complex.

He has all these amazing talents, and creates the Node Stones, which act as long range communication devices, but is an outcast, as he says himself in the prologue.

His earth powers also are powerful. Allowing him to senses miles around him, and detect the most minute of details even from large distances. Why was this somehow impeding his job progress in the forge?

All this put together make the red dragon come off as relatively overpowered as applied to the field of smithing. He is genius in talent and skill, but denied apprenticeship because of an arbitrary reason (which is also a strong gift as well). His inventions are incredible, when compared to some of the devices found in the games. His becoming a forge master also rings hollow, as he only does so 3 days before he leaves for an entirely new country, where his title may very well be moot.

All in all, it makes him somewhat unbelievable as a character, and harder to sympathize with/relate to.

Also, as a sort of side not/nitpick; While Spyro is brash and reckless sometimes, I do not think he would spend three hours in absolutely horrible weather looking for a meal (unless he ws starving).
1/4/2012 c3 10Emberjack
Another good and interesting chapter. Forge.. Interesting name I must say. And it's a long chapter, as I hoped. I can't wait for the next one!
1/4/2012 c2 Emberjack
No I haven't the slightest idea where you got those names XD

Another great chapter, I must say. I certainly hope the next chapter is long. XD
1/4/2012 c1 Emberjack
Quite an interesting concept, I must say. Goood so far. I'm about to read the next chapter, can't wiat to see what's in it XD
1/2/2012 c2 9Cynder fan
So the characters meet... Should be interesting. I wonder what will happen when Spyro sees him.

Write on my friend

Cynder fan
1/1/2012 c1 MarchenHope
Its interesting, so far is what I've got...though I don't read Spyro fics, I'll give this one a go!

Good luck writing the next chapter!

Marchen
1/1/2012 c1 Cynder fan
Yay. I'm the first reviewer.

For a first attempt this story show a lot of promise. There are a few small grammatical mistakes but other than that it is a sound story.

I will watch with great interest.

Cynder fan

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