Just In
for Stroke

1/20/2012 c2 50thunderbird5
poor alan. Hope they find him.
1/20/2012 c2 72criminally charmed
Wow, that was a twist I wasn't expecting, that the security guard would be someone with a grudge against Jeff. But really - terrorizing a 12 year old kid because you got fired by his father (who totally was justified). Yet it is kind of sad that the only reason most of the police/ hospital staff are now concerned is who Alan's father is, not that he is a scared 12 year old boy.
1/19/2012 c1 cmiddleton
Really interesting idea and very well written. cant wait for the next chapter :)
1/18/2012 c1 Tessaroony
loving this story so far, update soon with plenty of alan whampage please.
1/18/2012 c1 5Bek-K
You've got a good concept here and a great start! :)

I like the way Alan comes across. He's a scared twelve year old who is worried about his grandmother as well as the stress of not understanding why his father and brothers haven't arrived yet. And to distract himself, he's allowing us an inside look at what he considers his faults and how he's trying to overcome them so he can get back into the good graces of his family: he appears to think there is something wrong with him for his family to not only miss his birthdays but also that he doesn't live with them. His grandmother has tried to explain the situation, but he only comprehends that the problem must be with him.

I think the doctor did a good thing by speaking frankly with him and not treating him as though he couldn't possibly understand his grandmother's condition. I think it helped him to feel as though he was in the loop where Ruth's care is concerned. Especially since he isn't allowed to see her. And if he doesn't understand something, I'm sure he would ask for clarification. :)

I'm wondering if Jeff and boys are out on a rescue and that's why no one's been able to reach them yet. Hmmm...we'll have to wait and see on that point. I hope Jeff and the boys take into consideration how Alan's feeling having dealt with this alone.

Keep up the good work! :) Looking forward to the next chapter.
1/18/2012 c1 Laesk
i am glad you are writing another story. thank you for sharing it with us all. i have added it to story alerts so i know when you update.

this is another good story. thank you and i look forwards to reading more.
1/18/2012 c1 72cathrl
Nice idea, well presented. I enjoyed this.

But...and it's really quite a large but...there's an awful lot of Sainted Alan Tracy here. He does exactly the right thing, all the time. He doesn't get upset. He doesn't make mistakes. He throws a man who would have been taught to deal with physical attacks (as mum of a 12 year old karate brown belt, I'm afraid I laughed out loud at that one. No way. No matter how good he was. He'd simply be too small. It's not like you say he's a large twelve year old - the very next thing he does is run away, helped by his small size.)

Nobody treats him like a small child - all this stuff about stroke types? You wouldn't say that to a twelve year old. You probably wouldn't say it to an adult, not unless they specifically asked for an explanation. And you do need to lose the bracketed author's notes inside dialogue. If your nurse says CT then just put CT. To a child, she'd probably just say "scan". Similarly with ICU.

And _why_ can't he reach any of his family? They're IR. Being reachable is fundamental to everything they do. Why isn't the hospital making attempts to reach them? Who else is on Alan's emergency contact list at school - why aren't they calling those people? Why didn't they do it the moment he came through the door?

It's an interesting idea. It's not one I've seen before. You have a lot of good writing in here. It's just that a big proportion of the plot elements have a huge "but why?" attached to them, with the reason being "because that's what has to happen for the plot to work." I'd really advise you to stop thinknig about what will make Alan look good and start thinking about what, say, a hospital receptionist would really do when a 12 year old kid comes through the door with a seriously ill adult.
1/18/2012 c1 16grnfield
Wow, what a start to a story! Poor Alan, he's right, he wasn't getting in the way or causing trouble but he's sure in trouble now! Can't wait for more...
1/18/2012 c1 MJ2901
Great first chapter. Poor Alan - he seems so lost. Looking forward to reading more.
1/18/2012 c1 11Blue Zephyr Dragon
Oh I hope everthing turns out well for Alan and someone gives Jeff a kick up the backside.
1/18/2012 c1 50thunderbird5
Poor, poor Alan. Those people are not nice.
1/18/2012 c1 71JOTRACY123
Well I think that this is really good. Feel a wee bit sorry for Alan here. Hope you are going to write more to this and I really hope that jeff turns up because I don't think that Alan is doing well with all this. Well done you x
1/17/2012 c1 jo1966
What a sad chapter poor Alan. Really looking forward to the rest of the story.
1/17/2012 c1 72criminally charmed
Oh, I hope that jerk of a sg loses his job over this! The poor kid.
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