for Dawn5/4/2012 c1 
14Asylum Survivor
Me: I started to rewrite the beginning of this story a couple months ago and here's what I have so far.
I ring the doorbell. I wait. And I ring it again until someone opens it.
“Ma?” My four-year-old daughter croaks, pawing at my hands. She fails to grasp my hands in her tiny fingers.
“It’s okay, Dawny.” I softly say.
“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon. Hurry up and open the damn door.” I swear under my breath, low enough so my child cannot hear.
Dawn looks down at her shoes and hums a little song about a mouse running up a clock. It makes her happy; at least she isn’t worried anymore. Her dark hair falls into her eyes, overgrown and shaggy. She uses both of her hands to brush the strand away. She yawns and blinks her brown eyes, my eyes. She frowns when she forgets some of the lyrics of her small song and lines form on her suntanned skin.
When Dawn finishes her song, the door opens.
“Pizza’s here!” A female voice calls out from behind the door. Then the owner of the voice turns towards us. A girl, about 14 throws a few bills at us and reaches out to grab the assumed pizza box.
“Here’s the money. Take it and leave.”
Grimmjow; So can we be your beta?
~A and Grimmjow
14Asylum SurvivorMe: I started to rewrite the beginning of this story a couple months ago and here's what I have so far.
I ring the doorbell. I wait. And I ring it again until someone opens it.
“Ma?” My four-year-old daughter croaks, pawing at my hands. She fails to grasp my hands in her tiny fingers.
“It’s okay, Dawny.” I softly say.
“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon. Hurry up and open the damn door.” I swear under my breath, low enough so my child cannot hear.
Dawn looks down at her shoes and hums a little song about a mouse running up a clock. It makes her happy; at least she isn’t worried anymore. Her dark hair falls into her eyes, overgrown and shaggy. She uses both of her hands to brush the strand away. She yawns and blinks her brown eyes, my eyes. She frowns when she forgets some of the lyrics of her small song and lines form on her suntanned skin.
When Dawn finishes her song, the door opens.
“Pizza’s here!” A female voice calls out from behind the door. Then the owner of the voice turns towards us. A girl, about 14 throws a few bills at us and reaches out to grab the assumed pizza box.
“Here’s the money. Take it and leave.”
Grimmjow; So can we be your beta?
~A and Grimmjow
1/26/2012 c1 Bacon luvah
I think the pace of the stroy is too fast. It too many things happen in one chapter, then it might sound cheesy. Other than that i love it!
I think the pace of the stroy is too fast. It too many things happen in one chapter, then it might sound cheesy. Other than that i love it!
1/26/2012 c1 MCH
Love it!
Love it!
1/26/2012 c1 faxness
Good start but should there be quotations around she is yours to or did she think it.
Good start but should there be quotations around she is yours to or did she think it.