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for In the Mausoleum

5/24/2020 c8 31The DarkCat
Well, this was a really nice fic, I loved the slightly humorostic writing style here, and also how Toshio was handled, his problems, thoughts. The dream sequences were interesting, had a really mysterious aura around them, and were partially connected. All in all, thank you!
7/4/2012 c8 19eidolon-azii
Hi, it's me. I'm sorry for the delay in reviewing. I had some personal stuff to deal with, and then I had to write a chapter that I'd been sitting on for months, and then my brain got hijacked by other things. Finally, I was able to settle down and read your latest two chapters.

It was totally worth the wait. I *loved* the IM conversation between them. Toshio's characterization is so delightful here; I think I'm a little bit in love with him. I am quite eager to get the next chapter, not just for the incoming smut, but also for the way the mystery is developing. I am eagerly looking forward to the next chapter. It's going to be very interesting to watch these two conflicted men try to figure out these murders together. Can't wait!
3/7/2012 c6 eidolon-azii
I love it! This is awesome and explains thoroughly my questions from the previous chapter. I've no other comments, except that I get a little fangirly every time I see your story alert in my inbox!
3/4/2012 c5 eidolon-azii
hi, it's me again! hope i'm not becoming a bother. i rather like this chapter. the story's heating up, and it's beginning to feel a bit like the x-files meets house. these are two of my favorite things, so i am eagerly looking forward to your next chapter.

a small critique: you seem to be eschewing exposition again, and that's fine for a piece that's destined to be more action-driven than anything that i'm capable of producing. nevertheless, i had trouble following the conversation concerning the documents that seishin brought to toshio. i was finally able to piece it together, but only after a few reads. it might be worth it to add some more exposition to that last bit of dialogue. but please do take my criticisms with several grains of salt, perhaps a spoonful or two in fact. i'm not the most talented writer on this archive, so i certainly can't claim any kind of expertise.

anyway, i think this is going to be a wonderful read if it keeps going the way it's going! i can't wait for the next chapter; i feel like an addict. ;)
3/1/2012 c4 eidolon-azii
i love this chapter!

you're packing your sentences with more description now, so i can really catch the narrative flow. i don't have to wonder if i've missed something, or read passages more than once. great work there!

i don't know anything about Go, but i didn't really care. there's a part of me that loves the idea of a more relaxed seishin that's acclimated himself to a world outside of sotoba.

seishin is...well, he's very cute, isn't he? i like the blushes here and there. they betray the somewhat shy, bespectacled priest within. i like that toshio is not only floored by how good-looking he is (and he is *very* good-looking), but also goes so far as to hit on him. in my headcannon, toshio is always the pursuer. seishin no doubt harbors feelings for the good doctor, but he seems so resigned to the status quo that i don't know that he'd actually make a move.

toshio's bringing the charm was so delightful! you know it's funny, a reviewer told me that toshio's character in the series was particularly dark, but that these little whimsical touches seem to suit him nevertheless. i think s/he is right. although you never see much of this side of toshio in the series, it seems like he's got a capacity for a little absurdity that you're capitalizing on here. *of course* he'd come to the Go Parlor with a charm in hand. what else would he do? and seishin's reaction was priceless. i confess: i've always thought him to be wasted on the priesthood too, so i'm glad toshio and i share that assessment.

and finally, i like how in the span of one conversation, the two seem to have become comfortable with one another again:

T: no one asks for a death certificate...

S: and no one loses a game they've already seen...

i've made mincemeat of your prose here, but this back-and-forth at the end of the chapter made me smile. it's like they've slipped into their old relationship seamlessly. i'm sure you'll complicate that later, but i do love little touches like these that you've managed to integrate throughout this chapter.

i look forward to chapter 5.
2/26/2012 c3 Sandrine Georges

We are world beaters, aren't we?

I liked the introduction of more barriers to their relationship: that perhaps he wouldn't lust for men after all, and the fact that he doesn't think the doctor loves him at all. I think you could have had a stronger or more cohesive chapter: slightly longer, but with all facets explored more in-detail. But I like the complications and the dark humor in the text he didn't send. Keep at it, beater of worlds, keep at it.
2/23/2012 c2 eidolon-azii
Hi! I guess we'll be each other's review buddies. Ok, first of all, I love that you're making this a mystery. I am pretty horrible at writing mysteries myself so I am quite looking forward to this.

I like that you've given Toshio a girlfriend. He's always seemed to me to be bound to his duty and being married always seemed like part of that.

I don't know what to make of Toshio offering sex for information, though. I see what you're trying to do. It seems to me that you're highlighting his desperation in seeking Seishin. I totally get that, but I feel like his offer stretched my imaginative limit so much that it conveyed absurdity more than desperation. I have trouble with subtlety too, so I don't have much advice on that front except that sometimes feelings like desperation can be conveyed with a tremble or touch rather than a full-on description (although, I am guilty of rushing my prose to the point of absurdity, so take this with several grains of salt).

Another small bit of advice (one that you gave me, actually): Stretch your prose out. Let it breathe. I know this is an action piece, but sometimes I have trouble following the flow of the writing because it's a series of short, declarative sentences when it should be blocks of description.

But don't mind me, keep writing! I can wait for Seishin to appear in this story, and I am looking forward to being on the case with Dr. Ozaki, AKA Japanese Gregory House.
2/23/2012 c2 12NerdyBookLover
Oh, hello. How you do? I am very tired right now. I liked this. It was good. The bell has just rung. Time to go to Psych. Okay, bye.
2/21/2012 c2 Sandrine Georges
Good, good.

Only problem.

"Shelling out"... $5 for a book? Seems like a bargain, not a splurge to me. Unless I got the conversion wrong. Or the economy is much worse than I thought.

Good cliff ending.

What happens next?
2/21/2012 c1 Sandrine Georges
I much prefer this to most of your other ff. You took all the good writing tendencies that were cropping up in the later chapters of that one and applied them all here. There is a sense of action, danger, and progression. I feel more comfortable with where I am in seeing the relationships even though I was placed in the middle of them and haven't seen the original series. More streamlined prose, some of my favorite of which being, "The labcoat shook his head," makes this piece quite capably evocative.

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