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for Digital Contact

3/13/2012 c1 77Crazyeight
This chapter talks so much! O.O

Okay, I’m going to admit that, while I read the entire first chapter, I’m only going to confine this review to roughly the first half of it, as the entire piece has similar (fortunately consistent) issues and would require me to repeat a lot of what I say. With that said, let’s get down to business.

Line: Commander, you may want to check with Namco-Bandai

The above line was meant to be dialogue, right? It needs quotation marks, a period, or if not that, then a comma followed by identification as to who’s speaking.

Ex: “Commander, you may want to check with Namco-Bandai,” said the technician in the corner.

Actually, concerning that line, I have a complaint. We’re talking about a room-full of adults working for what I assume to be a government agency, and when faced with having to identify a bunch of unknowns, one of them automatically knows what corporation digimon are (never mind what digimon even are) a part of? And what they’re called right off the bat? And once the name is given, everyone knows what’s being said? I didn’t know government agents that normally deal with law enforcement and espionage were such experts at children’s popular culture. While it would be likely that, given the artificial intelligence nature of digimon, the issues of the digital world as a whole, it would be known about, and a file would be kept, how many people would be likely to know such a huge piece of information like that?

Line: "Namco-Bandai! Are you telling me that this feed is coming from within one of the Digital VR's? Is this someone's idea of a sick joke!"

Question mark needed here. Or a question mark and an exclamation point.

Had to look up what a fedora even was. In most cases concerning description, keep things general so that a person can form an image in their head, but not too specific that they have to go looking things up to know what they are. Remember, your readers want to enjoy a story, maybe even research on it, but they don’t want to have to do homework for it.

Line: Looks back at screen "...and things just keep getting more complicated" sighs and looks away from screen again.

*Someone* looks at the screen. “…and things just keep getting more complicated,” *someone* sighs, and looks away from the screen again.

It’s bad form to have your lines looking incomplete like that. So far the weaknesses that I see in this story is that there’s a sense of incompleteness as a whole. Description is lacking on a lot of fronts particularly with the characters (the sole exception being some guy in a hat, who even then is only notable feature is as ‘a person wearing a fedora’ and that’s it), and things are just thrown together with only the barest notion of a picture as to what’s going on, or how anyone knows what’s going on. Information is provided in a dose of ‘not enough’ with everyone being too quick to accept it all to be credible, making it look like you’re just trying to speed through the story and get it out of the way (which is not only sloppy, but can make your reader feel as though you don’t care enough to write a compelling story). The appearance of the creatures is said to be familiar, but we don’t even know what the creature’s look like. We’re given no details, and not even a hint of any memories to provide mystery. The word ‘digimon’ is tossed in before there is even a one hundred percent confirmation (there are multitudes of digital creatures, as evidenced primarily in Tamers, but also in Adventure where regular, albeit digital versions, of fish are caught for consumption, and that’s excluding the plant life. Really, you might as well be saying that the grass and trees look familiar and call it a day). This lack of completeness doesn’t make your story look particularly inviting or interesting to me as a reader, especially since most of the opening chapter consists of dialogue and little else. Keep in mind that how big of a readership you get is usually determined in the first chapter or two (three if the reader is generous). It could be an interesting story if you added more to it, but without the extra material, it has nothing to stand on. You need to bump up your style, add more description and narration of events, actions, and what people are thinking as they are confronted with this problem.

Let’s see what chapter two brings us.


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