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for OC Dimensional Journeys: World of One Piece

9/2/2013 c9 1AscendedHumanity
i love this story of yours and hope you continue it, it has been a while, i know the stress of work but don't forget about your fans ehre
9/2/2013 c4 AscendedHumanity
my god this is by far the best fan fic i have ever read, yours has so much detail and stuff that makes this so believable, also your original character is so amazing, i can tell you did your research on all the one piece world mechanics and stuff like that, keep up the amazing work, i would love to see this go on for a long time
7/14/2013 c9 4Gamelover41592
this has potential hope you haven't abandoned it
11/12/2012 c9 shugokage
Good job on this chapter and good update!
10/19/2012 c8 Seachell13
Continue this is amazing
8/31/2012 c1 8MortalKombat247
This is brilliant! Could you try Pokemon for your poll idea?
8/19/2012 c7 24InsaneScriptist
It's her, baka.

It's better than your previous chapters, but you still need to start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks.

By the way, I know that you were going to start on your next story in the series once you got to Alabasta. That's pretty far away if take this long on every arc -anime and manga. Reverse Mountain, Whiskey Peak, Little Garden, Drum Island and then Alabasta. Good luck, keep writing and improving.
7/27/2012 c7 nick
hey common dont stop untill after Alabasta. I dont realy like the skypiea arc
7/24/2012 c7 shugokage
Great story I can't wait to read more!
7/23/2012 c6 Vete
This is as far as I go, you had a fun idea but there was no depth to the characters and you don't need to list his powers. He is to powerful should have had him grow over time as the story goes not starting out big but slightly above average and the move on up as he learns from experienc.
Everybody has flaws no one is perfect...
Would love to see more of your writing as it matures.
7/23/2012 c3 Vete
Awe, i had hopes that this would not turn out to be a Marry Sue story but it is. A bit dissepointed but I will keep reading for now
7/23/2012 c1 Vete
Omg that is a great DF, if he learns how to use it he could be very dangerous.
wiki/Aura_Manipulation
Very cool Devil Fruit and an interesting story
7/11/2012 c6 InsaneScriptist
Finally got around to reading through this.

As a character your guy is rather plausible for One Piece, however it feels like you pull things out of nowhere to cover any potential plot holes (like for example, Jack having a mother in the Grand Line that is like him -in that he and any of him in the multitude of potential hims in the multiverse can communicate and share memories along with the rest of his family).

The most obvious plot hole I'd like to point out was the whole, 'I'm newly sent to a different world to train, learn and adapt' arc which contradicts the 'I have another me who was born and raised in this world so I know how to act' bit. There's three chapters for each, so I'm a bit confused on this bit. I was pretty sure that he would go to a 'world' while a 'copy/mirror' him went to another one and that he and his copy/mirror could communicate to each other through Isis. That's how I interpreted it, so can you clear up this confusion for me?

Now onto advice, when making an OC it's best to remind people of a person's likes and dislikes before you spring the information of what the hell s/he has done with that knowledge and whatnot. For example in my story, Aki has been messing around with her gun designs for ages while growing up (and somewhat in her past life) and then she works with an expert for a while to work out any kinks for her gun. She's also studied her ass off in both incarnations to know what she's doing. She's had sword 'lessons' from her father's crew and from various fights herself and 'stolen' more than a few of them from a few people's minds. The reason she's able to challenge Mihawk without having 'proper' lessons, much less dedicating herself to the art of swordmanship will be revealed in Chapter 24 and it's plausible within the rules I set up for her and the cross-over.

Speaking of those rules for any story or fiction they should be followed. They prevent plotholes and it keeps the story plausible and makes the reader not want to go 'haxx!' or 'WTF!' like Naruto seems to have been doing with the Sharingan. The rules are limits set to keep any potential character or ability from 'haxxing' the 'world' and becoming a 'Mary Sue' or 'Gary Stu.' For example, eating a Devil Fruit will grant impossible powers but also a multitude of weaknesses depending on what the fruit was and how adept the person using it is. Most of the time it falls to elemental advantage, tactics, luck or sheer fighting ability. Crocodile fighting Ace -Ace would win as Crocodile becomes glass. Crocodile vs. Enel would be a harder call depending on the sand Crocodile is composed of. If he has a high quartz or silicone content it would be Enel winning as they're both conductive materials. Ace fighting Enel would be a harder call as Ace can go 'completely made of fire so I'm not conductive at all so I'm not feeling the voltage at all' and not even be effected and Enel would go 'I'm lightening' and it would go to a match of haki vs. haki.

Also in this story you have a person, who has access to an awesome library of goodness thanks to divine intervention (which is rather awesome, I want one of those libraries) so you have Jack read up on a few subjects (which I'll assume you've never taken or else you'd know it takes more than a few years of self-study to make someone good enough to make something like the land/water craft Jack has made -high IQ notwithstanding [mine's like 132 so I know this stuff called human limitations]- and that he really should have read up on metallurgy and engineering along with doing some welding or at least shop classes in school to really make it plausible) and he's suddenly awesomely intelligent. It's rather implausible that he got all the materials for his vehicles in Lougetown as some things would be hard if not impossible to get in One Piece without Vegapunk's handywork or meddling somewhere along the line.

In contrast, Aki steals the seastone she wants and then finds out how to work with it (also rather explainable but hasn't been explained yet in my story) -something that the World Government doesn't want anyone knowing how to do. Finding, making and getting his inventions to work just right would require years more skill and ability than Jack currently has. Hence why even with her own knowledge of gunsmithing and magic she still went to the gunsmith to have her own personal gun made. As it stands, Jack is skill and material haxxing the world.

Also for the OC learning how to use swords, it takes dedicated practice over years to become good -unless you're a natural with them. If I go with the 'drop off and practice,' then he wouldn't be good enough to be a larger threat than any newbie with a blade (that is to everything living in range including said newbie) as all he could practice was forms by himself (with no surety that he was doing them right) and practice on crappy pirates. The 'born here and I was suddenly invaded with another mind that's mine' theory allows for awesome weapon skills that were built properly.

The aura-aura fruit is an awesome idea, but it doesn't seem like it should be a logia. If anything, it seems to me that it should be a paramecia. Even his abilities given by his fruit seem to reflect this.

Now let me explain this, all logia types (shown so far) go for elemental attacks and 'drowning' their opponents in their particular element with a few specialized attacks like Crocodile's 'dehydration' and Ace's 'fire bullets.' Logia types have massive defense (due to being able to turn into an element and letting the attack 'phase' through them) but after whoever they're fighting reaches a certain point a.k.a. mastering of haki, this becomes rather null and void. Because of 'haki' most elemental area of effect attacks become a waste of energy or have a much reduced effect. To quote Whitebeard, "Go light some birthday candles." Because really, if you're good enough with haki to make magma feel like someone taking a heat lamp to you -logia types are no biggie no matter what they might be.

On the other hand, him being a paramecia would be more plausible. He can manipulate the auras of himself, those around him and such as long as he or his aura is touching it.

I'm sure that should help improve the story plot, ability and character-wise.

The grammar is this portion is better than the prequel, but you still switch tenses randomly. Also remember that the period goes before the quotation marks if the statement/idea of the sentence is finished. Before a person speaks, if it is in the middle of a paragraph then it should have a comma then quotation marks followed by whatever the person says. Also you shouldn't be afraid of short sentences. They work.

-() denotes what should be added or changed and / denotes removal.

I shake this off as I walk up to Ryu and /hold/ (place) my hand /in/ (on) the ancient dragons head and let my aura sense his(,) which makes me glow slightly blue./as/ I say with my voice going mysterious(,) "He will return to his kind and will find peace in his rebirth as he wishes."

I shake my head and (I) am back to normal and /say/ (explain) to the three(,) "I can tell how much he needs to return to his kind./as/ he has /not much/ (little) time left as he is very weak."/./

-Sorry if I seem to be bashing on your skills as a writer. It's not intended. Critiques can hurt, but constructive critiques can only help the writer improve. Again, sorry for taking so long to get around to this -I tend to revise my chapters at least five times before I post and multiple times while I'm writing them. Then they get a final edit which usually adds at least 100 words although I have managed to get above a 1,000 added a few times... Even then I don't always catch all my errors. Writing is a labor and time intensive process -if any writer wants anything beyond 'crap' they put in time, effort and a lot of thought.
5/11/2012 c4 Tamamo no Mae
This is really interesting. Well done :D
5/7/2012 c4 1Trotha
Once again great work. Although I can't think of much to say at this point for that I'm sorry. I'm impressed just how you are able to make your character mesh in with the others in this story though. I have a suggestion for a book that you might want to read for inspiration for new inventions. It's called The lost city of Faar its the second of the pendragon series. The setting is on a world that is entirely made of water on the surface and a vast majority of the technology utilizes water due to its vast abundance. I highly recommend that you check it out.
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