for The Lost Wolf8/22/2012 c27 2koe
And Gendry was worried about Arya kissing Jaqen when he should be worried about his possible children haha
And Gendry was worried about Arya kissing Jaqen when he should be worried about his possible children haha
8/18/2012 c35 Guest
Yaiii Great chapter! I've been waiting for a while for a new one I love this story. P.S if Gendry is really going to Storm's end I'd really like to see an interaction with Melisandre, I know call me crazy but I don't know I think it would be interesting see those two. :)
Yaiii Great chapter! I've been waiting for a while for a new one I love this story. P.S if Gendry is really going to Storm's end I'd really like to see an interaction with Melisandre, I know call me crazy but I don't know I think it would be interesting see those two. :)
6/18/2012 c22 HINAMORI
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTINUE THIS HISTORY IS AMAZING
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTINUE THIS HISTORY IS AMAZING
5/28/2012 c34 
23xxsupernaturalgalxx
Thanks for the feedback, yeah to be honest english is not one of my strong suits. I really should get a beta reader but am not really sure about how to get on doing that :/ I guess if anyone would like to be a beta for me please inbox me?
23xxsupernaturalgalxxThanks for the feedback, yeah to be honest english is not one of my strong suits. I really should get a beta reader but am not really sure about how to get on doing that :/ I guess if anyone would like to be a beta for me please inbox me?
5/27/2012 c32 Lurker
I realized I wasn't very constructive with my last review, so I'll tell you what's wrong.
Your biggest problem is misplaced modifiers. You need to place the modifying clause beside the subject/object being modified. For example, in chapter one you wrote:
"But he [Gendry] still charged the hound, seeking revenge for the girl that he just murdered."
When you write it like this, grammatically, it means that the Hound is the one seeking revenge. On a side note, using "he" to refer to Gendry then to the Hound is counted as ambiguous. Also, since "the Hound" is the name of the character, it should be capitalized.
Back to the original problem now. To make your sentence mean what you intended it to mean, then it should be written like:
"However, he, seeking revenge for the girl that was just murdered, still charged the Hound."
Keep in mind, in addition, that you don't usually use commas just because you want there to be a dramatic pause in a middle of a sentence. When screenplays are written, they are written normally. The pauses and emphases are either given as notes separately, left to the interpretation of the actor or director, or guided by the linguistic tone and atmosphere of the scene. So, if you just place commas wherever you feel there should be a pause in its deliverance, then you risk making the sentence grammatically incorrect. This, thus, leads to a greater chance of misinterpretation or confusion by the readers.
As for the other mistakes, I think it's just normal typos that can be solved by proofreading and getting a beta reader. Nothing big and nothing to complain about, since I make tons of typos too if I don't go back to re-read my writing. For those, however, I at least know that something is wrong and can fix them.
Cheers. I hoped that helped.
I realized I wasn't very constructive with my last review, so I'll tell you what's wrong.
Your biggest problem is misplaced modifiers. You need to place the modifying clause beside the subject/object being modified. For example, in chapter one you wrote:
"But he [Gendry] still charged the hound, seeking revenge for the girl that he just murdered."
When you write it like this, grammatically, it means that the Hound is the one seeking revenge. On a side note, using "he" to refer to Gendry then to the Hound is counted as ambiguous. Also, since "the Hound" is the name of the character, it should be capitalized.
Back to the original problem now. To make your sentence mean what you intended it to mean, then it should be written like:
"However, he, seeking revenge for the girl that was just murdered, still charged the Hound."
Keep in mind, in addition, that you don't usually use commas just because you want there to be a dramatic pause in a middle of a sentence. When screenplays are written, they are written normally. The pauses and emphases are either given as notes separately, left to the interpretation of the actor or director, or guided by the linguistic tone and atmosphere of the scene. So, if you just place commas wherever you feel there should be a pause in its deliverance, then you risk making the sentence grammatically incorrect. This, thus, leads to a greater chance of misinterpretation or confusion by the readers.
As for the other mistakes, I think it's just normal typos that can be solved by proofreading and getting a beta reader. Nothing big and nothing to complain about, since I make tons of typos too if I don't go back to re-read my writing. For those, however, I at least know that something is wrong and can fix them.
Cheers. I hoped that helped.
5/27/2012 c33 Lurker
Ahhh! Misused commas... They're killing me! Plus, you seemed to have used the wrong name quite a few times.
Justin... That, kids, is why you don't sleep around. Poor boy.
Ahhh! Misused commas... They're killing me! Plus, you seemed to have used the wrong name quite a few times.
Justin... That, kids, is why you don't sleep around. Poor boy.
5/9/2012 c33 Bitchpudding
Aww the I just loved the first bit it's about time for a family scene. Anf I'm kinda glad she let Justin stay, but I still hate their daughter Ned for some reason! IDK why.
Aww the I just loved the first bit it's about time for a family scene. Anf I'm kinda glad she let Justin stay, but I still hate their daughter Ned for some reason! IDK why.
5/6/2012 c33 1LilithWhite
wait a secong, did Arya just gave her blessing to Justin and her daughter? But but he's still Ned's half brother! HAHA
Can't wait to see what Gendry will say about that.
1LilithWhitewait a secong, did Arya just gave her blessing to Justin and her daughter? But but he's still Ned's half brother! HAHA
Can't wait to see what Gendry will say about that.
5/6/2012 c33 5Snowdrop-143
Well he needs a new surname if he wants Ned maybe even his own sigil - how bout bulls Horns and a acorn in the Centre with the words As Stubborn As Snow/Steel/Winter ? In honour of Arya und Gendry Justin Ironwolf Sounds cool :D otherwise it might seem overly Targaryean / Lannister :D what's of Nymeria and Jon?
5Snowdrop-143Well he needs a new surname if he wants Ned maybe even his own sigil - how bout bulls Horns and a acorn in the Centre with the words As Stubborn As Snow/Steel/Winter ? In honour of Arya und Gendry Justin Ironwolf Sounds cool :D otherwise it might seem overly Targaryean / Lannister :D what's of Nymeria and Jon?
4/26/2012 c32 5Snowdrop-143
you muddled up the names towards the end I think you wrote Bran instead of Justin, maybe some GEndry Ned might be interesting ^^ still think Arya's in shock otherwise :)
5Snowdrop-143you muddled up the names towards the end I think you wrote Bran instead of Justin, maybe some GEndry Ned might be interesting ^^ still think Arya's in shock otherwise :)
4/26/2012 c32 Bitchpudding
OMG Gendry ha dto see Well at least he killed those I can't even think of a good word!
BYE Justin I can't help but be a little happy even if I know it's not his fault. Well not really!
OMG Gendry ha dto see Well at least he killed those I can't even think of a good word!
BYE Justin I can't help but be a little happy even if I know it's not his fault. Well not really!
4/25/2012 c32 basket1544
I love your story! One small thing, you put Bran's name where you meant to put Justin's at the end of the story.
Keep on writing and I'll keep on reading!
I love your story! One small thing, you put Bran's name where you meant to put Justin's at the end of the story.
Keep on writing and I'll keep on reading!
4/25/2012 c32 nymeria
Hi, I really think you should get a beta. I like your story, I do, but I couldn't help but cringe through most of that. Your punctuation and grammar need work and I believe a beta is the best person to do that. If not a beta, you should proof read your work. There are many a fatal error.
Anyhow, I'm a little surprised by Arya allowing as much physical contact. Most survivors of rape are very withdrawn in this regard.
Goodluck
Hi, I really think you should get a beta. I like your story, I do, but I couldn't help but cringe through most of that. Your punctuation and grammar need work and I believe a beta is the best person to do that. If not a beta, you should proof read your work. There are many a fatal error.
Anyhow, I'm a little surprised by Arya allowing as much physical contact. Most survivors of rape are very withdrawn in this regard.
Goodluck