Just In
for A Traitor's Homecoming

3/3/2012 c2 40Jedi Ani Unduli
At least you gave her a sense of humor.

Try to have her mess up a little more when she gets to the Enterprise. Call it "newbie initiation," or something weird like that.

More, please?

3/2/2012 c2 37Gixxer Pilot
I fully approve of the appearance of Captain Pike. The man is win. ;) I would definitely like to see more of the story line at this point, though.

As far as your OC goes, I'm torn. There are a few things that are screaming 'Sue' at me, but there are also things that I would make me think that she could be believable. First off, one of the biggest mistakes new writers make is writing from the first person POV. I'm not saying you have to change it now, but first person is one of the hardest POVs from which to write, because it's imperative you have a really, really solid handle on your character. Otherwise, they just wind up feeling dull and self-inserted. Yours isn't, but it's a very fine line you have to walk if you choose first person as your perspective. There has to be a lot of description about what your OC is thinking, feeling and seeing for it to work well, along with the aforementioned strong characterization and voice development.

Her reactions are not Sue-ish (which is good), but the way you're setting her up as far as her qualifications is making me think that she's headed down the dreaded Sue-path. Like, I can almost see the characterization fighting itself. Take, for instance, the first chapter: her areas of expertise are both engineering and weapons, but yet she's not a standout? I don't think she'd be allowed to be a double major unless she was very qualified and had the goods to back it up. And if she's that good, it doesn't make sense that she'd have no confidence in herself, especially in a military setting.

On the same note, the above issue (at least in my mind) lends to the awkwardness of chapter two. It just seems out of place that she'd be offered such a prestigious posting without A) Requesting it, and B) Fighting like mad to get it. Chekov wound up on the ship because he's a plucky little genius, but he knows it. (Just not in a cocky way.) I guess the bottom line for me is that it just seems like you haven't quite fleshed her out fully as the author, which is why it's reading like it's forced.

I do like that she's modest about her skill set. I also really like the self-deprecating tone I can already hear in her voice. I think that, technically, you've got a great base off which to work. That means you can use spell check and understand, for the most part, the rules of grammar. I think you have a decent start with your character, but you just need some tweaking to get it figured out totally. Plus, on Pike's line of, "Any other excuse you would like to insult my intelligence with?" I could actually hear Bruce Greenwood's voice in my head as I read that.

I know this is a marathon review, but please don't be offended by it or call it a flame because it couldn't be farther from it. I am simply offering my observations based off my own experiences as I learned how to create and use original characters. If you take some, all, or none of what I say, the choice is yours. Either way, I wish you the best of luck in your writing and with your story.

Take care,

3/2/2012 c2 3chaoticmom
This looks like it could be interesting. I was wondering why you put the review comment where you did and had the last two lines of the chapter after it though? take care
3/2/2012 c1 40Jedi Ani Unduli
Should be interesting.

If it helps, make your OC a flawed version of someone you know.


Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service