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for James Potters Days

9/26/2013 c7 6DrizzleWizzle
A few of my thoughts:

I like the idea of James and Peter becoming friends before James and Sirius. Imagine that James and Peter start out as best friends, but James begins to neglect Peter in favor of friendship with Sirius. Peter is naturally pushed away from James and becomes vulnerable to dark influences. This progression of the friendship is probably better than canon.

In terms of the style, I think pacing could use some work. Things seemed rushed, and a lot of information is crammed into the dialogue. Some of these items seem like things that are better if slowly discovered, rather than delivered to the characters on a silver platter. Slughorn's memory and the explanation of the Deathly Hallows come to mind-Rowling took almost 3/4 of a book before she revealed either of those bits of information, even though the reader knew about them much earlier. Tease the reader, give them hints, make them speculate, and then deliver the answer later.

Finally, I felt as if the story lacked an essential conflict. Harry always had some sort of mystery to solve, or some sort of antagonist to defeat. The books can fairly easily be summed up in one or two questions: What's in the hallway on the 3rd floor? Who is the Heir of Slytherin? How is Black getting into the castle/How can Harry defeat the dementors? How will Harry survive the tournament? How will he defeat Umbridge? Who is the Half-Blood Prince/What is Draco up to? How will Harry collect and destroy the Horcruxes?

Give the main character something to struggle with/against, and I think your readers will be much more invested in the story.
9/27/2012 c1 Snape5
This is brilliant. Really well written. The characters are interesting. It's got plenty of plot with the election and I like your idea of The Marauders not being I'm writing about the Marauders but more Remus-centric than James-centric. I find James really hard to write so I am very excited to have found this.
8/22/2012 c7 28Son of Whitebeard
I hope you like the ending
7/20/2012 c1 1Ijoan
So I started reading this fic and then stopped after the first paragraph. And I sincerely hope that you don't take this review the wrong way...

What does this mean? (Well, I know what it means but it's just written in such an unclear and convoluted way that the meaning must be dug out and polished up):

The thin skittish form of James Elijah Potter had got up from the bed early on Sunday Morning. It had been a whole fortnight. Since he had arrived at Hogwarts which to James's mind, he thought at least would be but that could not be more further from the truth

When you list adjectives there should be comma in between them:
The thin, skittish form
However, "skittish" simply doesn't work for this sentence. Do you even know what "skittish" means? Look up a word if you're unsure about the meaning.

Now the next two sentences need to be combines together. Here's why: "since" is a subordinating conjunction. It combines two independent clauses together (most of the time there would need to be a comma but it can be left off in this case).
It had been a whole fortnight since he had arrived at Hogwarts
The rest of the sentence is just...well...It would be better to just get rid of it because it makes absolutely zero sense.

So in the end this is what would work better for your first paragraph:

The thin form of James Elijah Potter had got up from the bed early on Sunday morning. It had been a whole fortnight since he had arrived at Hogwarts.

Good luck with the story.
P.S. Periods are placed at the end of each and every sentence. No. Matter. What.
P.S.S. This is not a flame! Constructive criticism only. :)
6/13/2012 c1 2A Trail Of Whispers
Liking it - great start!
5/24/2012 c6 4ChelseyB
Bill as a Black & Lily as a Gaunt? Hmm ... curious to see where you go with this.

Letters as a chapter can be risky. You did well with all the different 'voices.'
5/19/2012 c2 4jammin287
I really like the idea behind this - Sirius going missing etc :)

I'm not sure about Moody though, I think in the books he's quite gruff, I don't think he'd tell them what he did so easily. Also, knowing the trouble the boys could get in, I think he wouldn't have stopped to chat, but would have marched them back to school, knowing that they were safe there.

Overall though, I quite liked it :D
5/15/2012 c6 28Son of Whitebeard
I hope you like the latest chapter.
5/15/2012 c6 182Luiz4200
Nice twist having Lily being a Gaunt.
5/15/2012 c5 28Son of Whitebeard
I hope you enjoy this chapter
4/12/2012 c1 Batamut
Soory this story doesn't seem to be for me as you either give too much information when it is not needed or not enought when it is, of course this might be just my own opinion
4/10/2012 c2 77JJ Rust
An interesting concept, having young James and Peter meeting Moody. The issue here is the dialogue. Moody talks way too formally. Make the way he talks rougher. In fact, all the dialogue sounds much too formal. Think of the way people talk for real and apply that to the way you write dialogue. Give the characters distinctive voices. I do like the concept of a Grindelwald/Hitler alliance. That in itself could be a whole separate story.

Keep on writing.
4/9/2012 c4 5murkybluematter
Woah, so many twists! I Like it. Cool chapter, keep it up :) it seems the Blacks have many family secrets and Lupin had a few hidden powers of his own.
4/5/2012 c4 4ChelseyB
I always thought it made sense there would be more than one magical school in Britain.

It seems unlikely that Slughorn would show memories like that to first-years.
4/2/2012 c1 6the last time
This is a really good idea, and I hope you continue with it, but it's not my type of story at the moment, I do change my mind a lot, so I remember this and probably come back to it at some point. Keep it up, you've got good potential!
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