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for Never Forget

3/23/2020 c1 PrincessMagic
love it
5/28/2016 c1 3SakuraKoi
Oh wow so good
4/1/2012 c1 44Remasa
I thought this story wasn't bad. I noticed the tag said "complete" but really this whole story felt like a prologue or a deleted scene from something far larger than what it ended up being.

I enjoyed your style of writing. The way your sentences and syntax flowed felt natural and realistic. However, I thought there were a few issues with the overall story.

First off, you spend way too much time and effort describing Ria's clothing and appearances. Unless it is critical to the story (it wasn't) I would stick with a basic 1-2 sentence description. Lead the readers to a point you want them to go, then let their imaginations take over from there. Unless there will be significance to exactly how long her feathered earrings were, or if that shield ring will actually BE a shield and save her life, leave out the little details like that.

Secondly, (and this contributes to the feeling of this isn't a one-shot but rather a lead-in to another story), I didn't fully understand the connections in the story. Ria Black... was she married to Sirius? Born into the Black family? Was Neal born into the Black family? Was Neal's extended family wizards? Who was the man Ria fell in love with? If she was in the war, was she considered a pure blood (since Muggleborns were hunted)? Again, if so, how does Muggle Neal fit into all of this? There were too many questions left unanswered. That's completely acceptable if this was planned to be a multi-chapter fic, but as you have it, it feels a bit disconnected.

This fic has good potential, it just needs a bit of tightening around the edges to really give it that polished shine. Keep it up! :)

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