for A Wizard's Fairytale4/27/2012 c4 Slytherin66
A good chapter I am glad Aries and Gabrielle are the same age as they will make a nice couple and age being no problem makes things easier.
I am very pleased the Potter's won't be forgiven they do no deserve to be I hope the Potters will suffer greatly by stories end..
I look forward to the next chapter.
A good chapter I am glad Aries and Gabrielle are the same age as they will make a nice couple and age being no problem makes things easier.
I am very pleased the Potter's won't be forgiven they do no deserve to be I hope the Potters will suffer greatly by stories end..
I look forward to the next chapter.
4/27/2012 c3 Slytherin66
A good sum up of events a pity life was good for the Potter's I hope it won't last.
A good sum up of events a pity life was good for the Potter's I hope it won't last.
4/26/2012 c4 
25917brat
this is seriously an amazing story and I really can't wait to see what you have happen next. please keep this up and update it again real soon.
25917bratthis is seriously an amazing story and I really can't wait to see what you have happen next. please keep this up and update it again real soon.
4/25/2012 c4 2RaisingHeartSetUp
Very good story. I'm looking forward to reading more. Is Dumbledore ever going to find out who Aries really is?
2RaisingHeartSetUpVery good story. I'm looking forward to reading more. Is Dumbledore ever going to find out who Aries really is?
4/25/2012 c4 Anon
Strong chapter. Can't wait for the next. Keep up the good work.
Strong chapter. Can't wait for the next. Keep up the good work.
4/25/2012 c4 AlixMM
Interesting story. I do think that Ares should have told "Albus" that he is not allowed to refer to him is such a familuar way. In other words he isn't allowed to use Ares' given (first) name. Or Ares should have called him Albus instead of sir. Albus doesn't know Ares never met him before so Albus has no right to call Ares by his first name Albus wasn't given permission to do so. I don't care if Albus is older. Plus Ares shouldn't have been summoned to the office alone his headmistress should have been with him. I mean honestly what business would a headmaster of a school Ares doesn't attend have with a visiting student... especially right after they arrived? Nope Ares' headmistress should have been included. thx for posting
Interesting story. I do think that Ares should have told "Albus" that he is not allowed to refer to him is such a familuar way. In other words he isn't allowed to use Ares' given (first) name. Or Ares should have called him Albus instead of sir. Albus doesn't know Ares never met him before so Albus has no right to call Ares by his first name Albus wasn't given permission to do so. I don't care if Albus is older. Plus Ares shouldn't have been summoned to the office alone his headmistress should have been with him. I mean honestly what business would a headmaster of a school Ares doesn't attend have with a visiting student... especially right after they arrived? Nope Ares' headmistress should have been included. thx for posting
4/25/2012 c1 Genericrandom
Too much Mary Sue and too many bad clichés in too short a time period. It feels like you've substituted a bunch of well known themes for actual writing. If you're going to introduce such an important OC, show us who she is and why she matters, don't just tell us she's a friend on the outs with several major characters because she wants to do the 'right thing'.
One thing you can do to reduce the Sue in your OC is to take the Mary Sue Litmus Test. Searching for exactly that in Google will take you to a few user friendly tests that can help you determine if you've gone and made a Mary Sue. Even if you have, however, there's a number of things you can do to turn that Mary Sue into a fairly likable OC. One of those is to build them up like any other canon character that you want to introduce major characterization changes into. They'll still probably qualify as an author's avatar, but those are considerably less grating.
Personally, I would recommend starting the story about two years (or more) prior to her finding Harry. Show us either the start of her search for Harry or perhaps some of why she doesn't trust Dumbledore. You're working on a concept that can be a whole lot of fun to read but it generally takes more setup, because you're having a whole lot of people act in manners that are directly opposed to their usual character and you have to explain and/or build up to that.
You've got the imagination in spades, but your execution still needs refinement.
Your technical execution, on the other hand, is done very well. There's a few missed capitalizations, the odd lack of a quotation mark. I think you might have abused the comma a bit, but I'm so guilty of doing that myself to the extent I have less then no room to throw stones. Heh, for comma abuse I probably live in a glass house in a glass city on a glass planet so... Anyway, your technical writing's in good shape and your ideas are rich and plentiful. You still need some work on your story pacing and the show vs. tell aspect. And their are distinct traces of Sue in your story, but overall, you're standing "head above the crowd" but your shoulders are still hunched over to butcher the metaphor.
Also, I've been told I have a sharp tongue so I'll end with this: I hope that you're able to use these opinions of mine to improve on your writing and that you take this review as the constructive criticism and encouragement its meant as, and not the flame it probably half sounds like. Get better! I'm convinced you've got it in you.
Too much Mary Sue and too many bad clichés in too short a time period. It feels like you've substituted a bunch of well known themes for actual writing. If you're going to introduce such an important OC, show us who she is and why she matters, don't just tell us she's a friend on the outs with several major characters because she wants to do the 'right thing'.
One thing you can do to reduce the Sue in your OC is to take the Mary Sue Litmus Test. Searching for exactly that in Google will take you to a few user friendly tests that can help you determine if you've gone and made a Mary Sue. Even if you have, however, there's a number of things you can do to turn that Mary Sue into a fairly likable OC. One of those is to build them up like any other canon character that you want to introduce major characterization changes into. They'll still probably qualify as an author's avatar, but those are considerably less grating.
Personally, I would recommend starting the story about two years (or more) prior to her finding Harry. Show us either the start of her search for Harry or perhaps some of why she doesn't trust Dumbledore. You're working on a concept that can be a whole lot of fun to read but it generally takes more setup, because you're having a whole lot of people act in manners that are directly opposed to their usual character and you have to explain and/or build up to that.
You've got the imagination in spades, but your execution still needs refinement.
Your technical execution, on the other hand, is done very well. There's a few missed capitalizations, the odd lack of a quotation mark. I think you might have abused the comma a bit, but I'm so guilty of doing that myself to the extent I have less then no room to throw stones. Heh, for comma abuse I probably live in a glass house in a glass city on a glass planet so... Anyway, your technical writing's in good shape and your ideas are rich and plentiful. You still need some work on your story pacing and the show vs. tell aspect. And their are distinct traces of Sue in your story, but overall, you're standing "head above the crowd" but your shoulders are still hunched over to butcher the metaphor.
Also, I've been told I have a sharp tongue so I'll end with this: I hope that you're able to use these opinions of mine to improve on your writing and that you take this review as the constructive criticism and encouragement its meant as, and not the flame it probably half sounds like. Get better! I'm convinced you've got it in you.
4/25/2012 c4 autumngold
I just hope that the goblet calls out Harry Potter's name because Aries isn't him anymore. That name shouldn't work should it? He is legally and magically Aries now. I hope Aries sends Dumbledore's manipulations back to him on a silver platter and lets him know he isn't going to play his games! Great update! I can't wait for more!
I just hope that the goblet calls out Harry Potter's name because Aries isn't him anymore. That name shouldn't work should it? He is legally and magically Aries now. I hope Aries sends Dumbledore's manipulations back to him on a silver platter and lets him know he isn't going to play his games! Great update! I can't wait for more!