for Justice5/14/2012 c1 
1rerikusu
This is good. There aren't many stories with Luke in it (though you've never used an actual name, have you?)
I'd like to see your fic based on the Benzene series ) I've always liked stories/songs with insanity and such in them.
Have you heard the cover on Paradichlorobenzene by Faneru, Jack and Asamaru? I recommend it
1rerikusuThis is good. There aren't many stories with Luke in it (though you've never used an actual name, have you?)
I'd like to see your fic based on the Benzene series ) I've always liked stories/songs with insanity and such in them.
Have you heard the cover on Paradichlorobenzene by Faneru, Jack and Asamaru? I recommend it
4/19/2012 c1 clara0414
Good, good! Your segented sentences have quite an interesting effect that I really liked. This being your first story, it`s wonderful.
I think adding a metaphor/analogy in this would have deepened the reader's understanding and elaborated on your moral/lesson.
The vocabulary, in my opinion, needed a bit of improvement. I don't feel this story needs a lot of editing, but - you know, some difficult words here and there just makes it seem all that more impressive.
The last part was by far my favourite. It's so abstract and complex, yet, it uses such simple statements.
Just wondering: how long have you been on this fandom before publishing this story?
Good, good! Your segented sentences have quite an interesting effect that I really liked. This being your first story, it`s wonderful.
I think adding a metaphor/analogy in this would have deepened the reader's understanding and elaborated on your moral/lesson.
The vocabulary, in my opinion, needed a bit of improvement. I don't feel this story needs a lot of editing, but - you know, some difficult words here and there just makes it seem all that more impressive.
The last part was by far my favourite. It's so abstract and complex, yet, it uses such simple statements.
Just wondering: how long have you been on this fandom before publishing this story?
4/19/2012 c1 22Volcanic Lily
Wow. I think this is an interesting glimpse into Luke's head- and good, especially for your first fic. Nice job! :)
Only one question: you mentioned that he was drinking coffee. Did coffee exist back in the 1500s? I'm not sure. Oh, well; again, I think you did a good job. :)
~Lily
22Volcanic LilyWow. I think this is an interesting glimpse into Luke's head- and good, especially for your first fic. Nice job! :)
Only one question: you mentioned that he was drinking coffee. Did coffee exist back in the 1500s? I'm not sure. Oh, well; again, I think you did a good job. :)
~Lily