Just In
for Mercenary's heart

6/17/2013 c2 7LadyBlackroseMusketeer
Please continue your story.
10/23/2012 c2 Dawn
Please update soon! Mercenary was amazing, but something tells me this sequel will surpass it. I'm looking forward to chapter 3 .
5/13/2012 c1 KMFgirl
I love your 3 musketeers OC, she's awesome.

plz keep writing, i must know more...
5/10/2012 c1 5RayOfTheDawn
This was lovely. a bit short but hey I'm a suker for BBIIIGGG chapters. But it's grate keep it up.
5/9/2012 c1 44lilgenious
Hey, a sequel!

I admit you have me very interested in reading the rest of this story, especially as I am rather interested in following Marianne's adventure and finding out who those grey eyes belong to.

A few mistakes that took away from the flow of the story. A few missing words that made things a bit awkward as I was reading through this. For instance within the first paragraph right after the dream that Marianne has it states this: "Cool surface of the glass woke her up..." it should be "The cool surgance of the glass woke her up..." this makes more sense and is correct as the original makes for a confusing sentence and a bit awkward to the flow. The second thing that I noticed was the next sentence: "She looked out of the window and saw only dark..." there should be the word "the" between "only" and "dark". Also the beginning of the next sentence where it says "Sun..." should have the word "the" as well.

Another thing that I found within the story that really took away from the flow was this sentence: "to who's to his heartbeat she could listen as they lay in bed." Take out the "to his" and you will have a correct sentence and one that doesn't make things awkward to your readers when they read it over. Also this sentence here greatly confused me as well: "Two hours later first sunrises above French capital city found her sleeping soundly in her bed. She didn't last that long to understand. The identity of the eyes' owner remained a mystery for a time being."

Perhaps you meant: "Two hours later the sunrise above the French Capital (city) found her sleeping soundly in her bed. She didn't last that long to try to understand (her dream). The identity of the eyes' owner will remain a myster for the time being."? The words in the brackets you could add into the sentence but I tend to find that if you are talking about a country's captial that you don't need to say the "city" part after saying just say the "French Capital" or the "English Capital".

These things are easily fixable and you could always have a second pair of eyes look over something before you post it up right? A beta can help you find these nitpicks and are very useful for this type of thing, even if you as the writer has looked it over many times.

Besides all these nitpicks you have a great start to a great sounding story. It is very great to see Marianne and we know enough about her through the other works you have up that makes her even more loved! She seems well rounded and I really, really like that! I am very interested in finding out the identity of the owner of those grey eyes' that haunt Marianne. I cannot wait for the next update!

Great job!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service