for The Older Years5/28/2012 c4 
12Spiral Breeze
Ooo, what's gonna happen. It's nice to see you progressing! Good job, you're dialogue is swell!
12Spiral BreezeOoo, what's gonna happen. It's nice to see you progressing! Good job, you're dialogue is swell!
5/28/2012 c3 Spiral Breeze
I love their reactions to the beer. Beer truly is disgusting stuff! Nice chapter!
I love their reactions to the beer. Beer truly is disgusting stuff! Nice chapter!
5/28/2012 c3 2momo-x-11
Nice chapter. dialogue is excellent as ever.
Still a little confused on the whole plot but i think i can see something. like little hints about misty and ashs relationship not being as perfect as it seems. I think these hints are extremely well done. Nothing is too obvious and i can't wait to see how that plays out.
Looking out for some wicked action so update soon please! Pretty please with a cherry on top. a marachino cherry not one of those nasty black ones.
2momo-x-11Nice chapter. dialogue is excellent as ever.
Still a little confused on the whole plot but i think i can see something. like little hints about misty and ashs relationship not being as perfect as it seems. I think these hints are extremely well done. Nothing is too obvious and i can't wait to see how that plays out.
Looking out for some wicked action so update soon please! Pretty please with a cherry on top. a marachino cherry not one of those nasty black ones.
5/21/2012 c1 1Tyguycool
not to be the bearer of bad news but latios had Six moves while they can only have four.
1Tyguycoolnot to be the bearer of bad news but latios had Six moves while they can only have four.
5/21/2012 c1 2Flames Of Black Thunder
Really great story that you have got going on here.
I just have one question though and it is if the whole story will be be a pokeshipping one or if that will be only for the first few chapters or whatever?
2Flames Of Black ThunderReally great story that you have got going on here.
I just have one question though and it is if the whole story will be be a pokeshipping one or if that will be only for the first few chapters or whatever?
5/20/2012 c2 12Spiral Breeze
Not bad at all for a ten year old! A couple of things though, the whole breaking of the fourth wall thing, where the characters acknowledge that they're in a story, I would stay away from this, people usually do this for crack fics. Also, it's understood that Ash understands what Pikachu says, therefore, I usually write what is actually being said in parenthesis like (Hi Ash!) The yellow mouse greeted excitedly. This way you stay away from long lines of Pokémon names.
Other than that, good job! Please update so we can find out what Ash is gonna go through as an adult Pokémon Master, (my favorite type of fanfic by the way).
Your writing is only going to get better the more you write and the more you READ. Read as much as you can, I'm talking about REAL literature and write as much as you can. After all practice makes perfect.
12Spiral BreezeNot bad at all for a ten year old! A couple of things though, the whole breaking of the fourth wall thing, where the characters acknowledge that they're in a story, I would stay away from this, people usually do this for crack fics. Also, it's understood that Ash understands what Pikachu says, therefore, I usually write what is actually being said in parenthesis like (Hi Ash!) The yellow mouse greeted excitedly. This way you stay away from long lines of Pokémon names.
Other than that, good job! Please update so we can find out what Ash is gonna go through as an adult Pokémon Master, (my favorite type of fanfic by the way).
Your writing is only going to get better the more you write and the more you READ. Read as much as you can, I'm talking about REAL literature and write as much as you can. After all practice makes perfect.
5/14/2012 c2 2momo-x-11
Hiya! I just wanted to say that i read your story and i actually see a a lot of potential here :) you have a really good pacing and your dialogue is natural and well done. also, the whole story is written well.
What i wanted to address is the plot. we haven't really seen much going on here except ash planning to move in with misty. and i know how hard it is in the first chapters to get something moving, believe me, but (rather than screw with your lovely sense of pace) maybe longer chapters? Maybe?
Looking forward to more!
2momo-x-11Hiya! I just wanted to say that i read your story and i actually see a a lot of potential here :) you have a really good pacing and your dialogue is natural and well done. also, the whole story is written well.
What i wanted to address is the plot. we haven't really seen much going on here except ash planning to move in with misty. and i know how hard it is in the first chapters to get something moving, believe me, but (rather than screw with your lovely sense of pace) maybe longer chapters? Maybe?
Looking forward to more!
5/14/2012 c2 10Lygatto-Un-Sorceror
Just because a chapter ends, doesn't mean it's a cliffhanger, especially so in the two chapters of your story. A 'cliffhanger' is a scene which ends after building up a great deal of suspense, thereby leaving the audience 'hanging'. Therefore, by definition, if you classify a chapter ending as 'lame', it can't be a cliffhanger.
10Lygatto-Un-SorcerorJust because a chapter ends, doesn't mean it's a cliffhanger, especially so in the two chapters of your story. A 'cliffhanger' is a scene which ends after building up a great deal of suspense, thereby leaving the audience 'hanging'. Therefore, by definition, if you classify a chapter ending as 'lame', it can't be a cliffhanger.