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for The First Overlord

7/3/2012 c4 3The Eternal Winter
A interesting story

Overall your grammar is fairly good and things are described well enough, although you might want to describe fights a little more, details are a bit hazey at times, but still good enough that I can picture things fairly well. But I don't blame you too much, I have a hard time writing fight scenes myself, they are a pain.

If there's anything to complain about its that the Overlord needs more fleshing out,his motivations and the way he talks are a bit stiff and he seems overpowered, although you do explain the reasons for the power. He is the first after all.

Another criticism are the names. The names are fine but they do seem a bit...modern. This is minor but I just tend to see characters in the Overlord universe having older sounding names, but that's just a personal thing for me.

Overall rating- Your writing is solid and your grammar is fairly good. Hang in there and keep it up.
6/29/2012 c4 Guest
Write out your numbers, instead of saying 2 say two. Also be more descriptive, tell us what Castle Spree looks like, and that sort of thing. lastly this may sound like a contradiction but you don't have to tell us exact numbers instead of saying "Overlord Zack summon 500 Brown Minions, 300 Red Minons, 150 Green Minions and 50 Blue Minions." say "Overlord Zack summon half a thousand Brown Minions, three hundred Red Minons, half that in Green Minions and fifty more Blue Minions."

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