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for The Time Traveler and the Queen

3/29/2016 c5 3Quietlovingman
A few minor grammer issues, use to vs. used to he's been moody vs. he'd been. Harry's introspection about his magic and perhaps a conversation about it should have been in a earlier chapter. This is a good place to reinforce that it is wonky, but the difficulty should be introduced earlier to prevent questions as to why he isn't using magic. It could work during the first conversation about Narnia, or the first night when he learns he isn't on earth as the stars don't match at all. (4 years of Astronomy classes) Showing flubbed spells or spells simply not workingb would be good.
3/29/2016 c4 Quietlovingman
Is Harry trying to hide his magic from the older siblings or not? At this point, only Ed and Lucy have heard any real part of his story... He doesn't use magic on the bear, but does create a bag of holding? Since you only show his relationship with the younger siblings, it makes it difficult to peg how the interactions with the older ones should go. The apparent sudden onset jealusy with Ron is interesting and implies that Ron has been manipulated. That along with hints in previous chapters is begining to point to Asshole Dumbles rather than slightly manipulative benevolent Dumbles.
3/29/2016 c3 Quietlovingman
Harry is verry open here, perhaps too open. I think the same conversation would play better with more back and forth between the three of them as they draw out his story. The fifth grade teacher seems a bit like forshadowing. A bit more about her would be good, especially if she turns out to be Susan. Harry says he will explain the heir of Slytherin comment but does not. Also it's spelled Fidelius charm. For the conversation, imagine Daniel Radcliffe speaking your words, does it sound right or would a different word or phrase work better? Overall this chapter is just a summary of cannon with one or two hints ov changes to come, as that it is good, but I know you could make it better now.
3/29/2016 c2 Quietlovingman
I am rereading this as you recently updated the sequel. There are a few notable typos they're vs. their I've vs. I'd etc. This chapter could use some polish, but is good overall. The summary of TLTW&TW was good, though I think Lucy would speak a bit more properly. Also the faun's name is spelled Tumnus.
11/18/2015 c2 Guest
Exciting so far, but you need to clarify who is talking. The dialogue is confusing.
10/30/2015 c15 1kelwin
good fic. good to have 2 of my favourite all time favourite books crossed like this. my other 2 favourite ones are lord of the rings and wheel of time.
7/12/2015 c15 7H Bregalad
Fun, thanks.
5/18/2015 c5 17Child of Dreams
Um, the Faun's name is Tumnus, not Tumaus.
5/6/2015 c2 6Nenjax Ursus
This story is very good so far, despite the use of exposition, and that was clearly used for the character not knowing what Narnia is like, I would say that the only thing that needs to be improved upon is your spelling. Yes, English is a complicated language, many identical sounding words meaning different words and all that, however, if you improve on your English, you should be absolutely fine.
4/13/2015 c15 6JAIMOL
It is a sensational story.
11/12/2014 c14 0.0Trash
This was amazing. I luved this fangkctikn. So soryy abouyt the spellngf
9/16/2014 c6 Guest
I love it
7/8/2014 c15 darck ben
great story
7/3/2014 c15 HotaruSama00
That was an excellent story. Definitely one of the best Narnia crossovers I've read.
3/26/2014 c2 KatnissForever17
Just a quick spell check: Mr. Tumnus the faun
Other then that great story.
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