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6/6/2015 c1 1Andarrio
This has been a good fic. English is not my mother language, but anyway I think it's very well written and the idea, simple but original, is great. It has been interesting to read something about Four Eyes.

Good job!
6/8/2012 c1 10x-Artichoke-x
Great story, completely original, which I very much appreciate. I actually clicked on this cause it has characters that I don't particularly know from the games. Already I can tell it's going to be an intriguing storyline and I really look forward to more.

Usually I wouldn't critique unless it really needed it, but you did ask for constructive criticism so I'll give it.

Put in more description. I didn't really know where this scene was happening, just create the scene a little. Even throughout the story just put sprinkles of what's surrounding these characters. It'll help the reader visualise.

Description is the one thing I could critise a little. There's a lot of dialogue, a lot of good dialogue. But it's sentences like this which are needed: 'Raymond gave Parker a glance. This questioning, though relevant to their meeting, seemed a bit on the strange side to him, given how they'd jumped back to the main topic so suddenly'

These sentences are the ones which bring description and characterisation. As I said, I don't know the characters that well, so put in more of these descriptions. Tell me what the characters are thinking, what they're doing, that'll really bulk up the characterisation and just make the story even better I think.

Your story is very good, as opposed to a lot on this site unfortunately, but you asked for help, and I want to make it even better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a good writer, but I know a good story when I read it. Great job, as I said very intriguing storyline and above all well written. I look foward to more.

All the best,

Artichoke,

x
6/7/2012 c1 9Librius
This was pretty good, well written too, I can totally imagine that's how the characters would talk to eachother, keep up.

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