Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Let Me In Too

10/29/2012 c1 Anonymous
What if Bianca wasn't really dead. After a couble of years on the run Abby and Owen find themselves hunted down by hellish creatures sent out to kill Abby, but not Owen. Why? Here's the answer Bianca is a...WITCH. So later on during the story a Barnabas and Angelique relationship arises between Owen and Bianca.

Yours Truly
Anonymous

PS: I'm not telling you what to do, just a suggestion.
6/20/2012 c1 1realbullet
As always, I don't think I'm a very good reviewer - but I write so that I can get better. As such, I crave constructive criticism. I'm sure others write just for fun. If this is you, then feel free to ignore the suggestions.

The story is very good. Bianca is an interesting character and the complications of the situation are heartfelt.

I feel like I'm a broken record, when I suggest that if you add to the detail, you will help to build the uncertainty and tension. I know ... I know ... It doesn't have to be 200k words.

For instance, when we first meet Bianca you can have the doctor stammer at her intensity. (The nurse says something like 'Doctor blood pressure is 90 over 60 and dropping. Doct ..." Until finally all that is heard is a slow, steady blip from the heart rate monitor. Abby is torn between her worry over Owen and the overpowering desire for his blood (the smell ... I should just do what I can to help him), yet even she is beguiled by the intrusive presence of this girl. Even the threat could be less overt. (The doctor says, "I'm sorry Miss Bianca, we should really speak to his parents first." - "I would hate to see what would happen to your reputation in this community, your livelihood, should a young boy in your care suffer when he could be saved. It's an emergency - do what you must.")

Anyway - I'm just rambling & tossing out ideas. Drawing out the scenes will help to build that tension. And that's what stories are all about.
6/19/2012 c1 131StakeTheHeart
Oh my goodness that girl was a total psycho. Yet another hurdle Owen and Abby had to jump to survive. Of course Owen is eventually changed but could you see it any other way?
6/12/2012 c1 32TorontoBatFan
Awesome fic, I've been waiting for this.

Opening the fic with a train crash/derailment. Harkens back to both "The Fugitive" and "Unbreakable".

Now, personally I would think that Abby would've turned Owen right away. However, where would the story go from there? LOL I do wonder at the doctor's decision to remove the gall bladder like that. Once the glass was removed, they could attempt to suture it. As a rule, surgeons only remove something if there's no easier course available.

Owen's ready to leave after a day? He has some powerful recovery abilities. Usually it would take several days for someone to be discharged after an operation like that. (Maybe Bianca "influenced" the doctors to discharge him and arranged for him to be treated as an outpatient.) At the very least, he'd have to come back and have his stitches removed. (He'd also be a tad groggy, as anaesthetic, I can tell you, takes a day or two to wear off.)

Owen likes the old "Incredible Hulk" show? With the life he and Abby are to lead, it's fitting. (Stewie voice: "Play that sad 'walking away' music from The Incredible Hulk." LOL)

Um, maybe the dinner scene at the mansion should be a week or so later, rather than that evening. It would take Owen several days to feel ambulatory again.

Interesting that Abby thinks Owen would've been better off at his home in Los Alamos. IMO, Owen's chances for a normal life were long gone before Abby showed up. He was clearly a very troubled kid who was suppressing everything...a lot. Over time, the bullying would've eaten away at him until he snapped. I feel that Abby really was Owen's best chance for a happy life.

I liked their little talk about what Owen's future might be. I always felt that Owen didn't have it in him to EVER be a blood gatherer for her. At the pool, when he was threatened by the bullies he wasn't able to bring himself to use his knife on them...and that was when he would've been morally and legally justified in defending himself. However, I think that his inherent gentleness is what drew Abby to him. She wants someone like that in her life as her own is so different from that.

Um, I think you got the time a little off in the scene at the lawyer's office. He said they haven't been dead twenty-four hours when it's been at least three days.

And she only gets everything if something happens to Luke? Why do I get the feeling that Mister Helpful Attorney just signed Luke's death warrant? Seriously...When does it bode well for ANYONE who's ever told they stand between someone ruthless and a fortune?

Ah poor Luke...He was set up and didn't know it. Of course, Owen and Abby were both set up as actors in Bianca's little drama.

I like how Abby is able to see through the lies Bianca is telling. Of course, Abby likely hasn't realized just HOW ruthless Bianca is. I did think it noteworthy that Abby said how a normal person would've been having hysterics over seeing what Abby is. However, she's forgotten that when Owen learned what she was, he was upset, but was hardly "scared out of his mind". Is Abby saying Owen isn't normal?

Wow...What a wake-up call there. I guess Bianca has seen her opening. Owen and Abby, being in the first week(s) of their relationship clearly haven't gone beyond kissing. So, she sees that sexual favours might be a way for her to get between them.

Ah, I see Bianca's sinister plan has gone into overdrive. Incidentally, nice lampshading the fact that it's unusual for a small-town library to have such a collection of books on vampires.

I must say, she came up with a clever trap. And, as she's losing so much blood, Abby wouldn't be able to make an alternate exit -i.e. just smash through the wall.

Looks like Owen's arrived just in time. And Bianca has clearly taken the train to Crazytown. He'll forget about Abby? Yeah...right. Losing Abby would be the final nail that would drive Owen over the edge.

Alright...Just what type of vitamins is Owen taking? He takes a crowbar to the side of the head and is still able to get up again so fast? Even if Bianca isn't physically strong, the weight of the crowbar itself would seriously hurt him...And then she hits him again. LOL (For some reason, I'm reminded of the burglars in "Home Alone", as they seemed to casually nail each other with crowbars a lot. LOL)

Well, it looks like Owen could kill for Abby...at least in order to save both their lives. (I'm still surprised he's not suffering from a concussion though.)

And I saw that coming...Abby's hungry and not in control at the moment...and Owen's just standing there. It's like those cartoons where someone on a diet (or hungry for some other reason) looks at someone/something else and sees a steak, with that other person going "Uh-oh". I like how Owen calmly accepted his fate. Did he expect to be turned, or just to die?

OK...Where did Abby get her trunk from? It was on the train, wasn't it? And the train was pretty much wrecked by the derailment followed by an explosion. Did she get a new one? One other thing I've always wondered about. Does Abby need an invitation when it's HER place. She rented the room. That makes it hers. Does she need to be invited into her own room?

I loved Owen's thoughts on waking up. I never thought of referencing "The Wizard of Oz" and comparing it. I don't think Owen should be too troubled about Bianca. He was clearly acting in self-defense and -when you think of it- she was the one who threw herself onto his knife.

Aw, it was a sweet ending, despite all they'd been through.

I do have to question how Bianca got the truck onto the tracks. She didn't have a license to drive and also, where'd the truck come from? Did she steal it? The police would surely track its owner down.

Overall though, I really enjoyed this fic. It was well done and Bianca was a truly evil villain. Good job.

This was the BEST fic entitled "Let Me In Too/2" ever written. YOU actually UNDERSTAND the characters! :-D
6/10/2012 c1 14Kingdomalith
Wow.

That was awesome!

Seriously. Just amazing.

It was cool how you made the story have a sort of darker turn, as Bianca was a crazy lunatic, the darker side to it made the story flow real nicely.

Good job, and yet right now I just wonder when you're going to update Child of Fate: Untold Tales :D *wink wink nudge nudge* *push* Whoops!

Kingdomalith
6/10/2012 c1 Spitfire1941
that was... Awesome!

truly, it was shorter then i had expected it to be and the end result was the same with Bianca dead (good) even though you made me think that owen was gonna die at the very start was already having me on tooth and nails.

you also did something you i have never seen you do. which was makes owen's turning more darker then you normally do, although i spose that Owen getting turned in savage love was dark as it could get and child of fate there was not much before IT happened to contemplate the darkness of that existence, which is something i'm trying to get across in my novel i am writing (Blood Defines Us) NOT FAN FICTION to the rest of you readers lol

it was extremely clever how you managed to get bianca to in a sense beat Abby although in a real fight abby would wipe the floor with her and use her blood to paint the guesthouse lol

with the Train thats the first time i have ever seen it being explored like that, where the train crashes.

the "I love you" thing in your fics are cheesy lol but that's what makes your fics great, because of the simplicity of their love. there weren't as many fluff moments either (loads shotgun) but the ending made up for it (Pumps Shotgun) but we could have more right? (Aims it in Mecha's direction) LOL

but the fic worked great has a whole and as per usual you never fail to disappoint (suddenly realizes he is holding a shotgun and slowly lowers it and whistles as he is walking away, he throws the gun away and it discharges as it hits the ground, he suddenly speeds into a run, still whistling as mecha looks on bemused)

but seriously it was great, i loved it and it was simple as that(Mecha picks up shotgun)i look forward to seeing more from you mecha just don't shoot me with my own shotgun! lol

Awesome fic nothing more i can say than that.

Spitfire1941.
6/10/2012 c1 DavidZahir
Very cool to see my idea take form through the lens of another writer's imagination! Many thanks! Wow, Bianca was every little bit of a psychopath as one could imagine, heh?

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service