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for At Least I Know He Cares

6/20/2012 c1 cidar
So, you asked for constructive criticism, and I'm going to try and give it.

While the plot (Jason and Piper are separated, Piper is nostalgic/longing for him) isn't all that original, you wrote this fairly well. It flows and doesn't trail off, and it's a very clear 'point-A-to-point-B' progression. That's good because the reader isn't confused, but it also lessens intrigue, because everything is so cut and dried. A more complex structure would be significantly more interesting.

You aren't canonical. Jason doesn't have power over stars; Jupiter is lord of the sky and of thunder, not of space and celestial bodies. And besides, it isn't like a demigod has all of their godly parent's powers, so even if Jupiter could control the stars Jason probably still wouldn't be able to.

While having Jason move stars is cute and a major part of this fic, it takes away some of your credibility, not to mention how unlikely it is that Jason would be able to move so many stars so quickly. On a side note, moving stars like that would most likely cause major explosions that could potentially threaten the safety of the planet. So perhaps not the smartest move.

That said, moving stars is also quite a unique idea, and for that I commend you.

Beside those major points, there are a few smaller things:

- "She though of how cunning his smile was"

Cunning is not the right word to use. Cunning means sly or crafty. I associate the word with Swiper the Fox and thieves.

- You have Piper think about their "first kiss," but she knows it wasn't real and by now she would have gotten over that.

- "Piper couldn't blame him."

This is wonderful. Usually in fics like this, Piper is angry or resentful that Jason left, when really she'd feel like this. Kudos for that.

And that's all I have to say. Except: I wouldn't continue this if I were you. Because A) you've pretty much finished an entire plot, B) what would you even write about that would be an interesting extension, C) you wrote this to be a oneshot, so it probably won't be good if you try to prolong it. Also, it's kind of unprofessional to say that you might update, but only for a certain number of reviews. You should write for yourself, not for reviews.

So that's my critique. Hopefully it was helpful, or at least insightful.
6/20/2012 c1 Artemis-Max-Katniss-Holmes
Why a two shot this can be an awesome story! :)
6/19/2012 c1 jasper
make into a twoshot plz
6/19/2012 c1 moon over manifest
please continue :)

i hope u get lots of reviews
6/19/2012 c1 pjato-lover
Aww that was so adorable! I love reading jasper fluff! That chapie was too cute!

*end of aphrodite girl momemt*

Anyway can you please please pleeease make this into a full story. This story has so much potential! It. An go so far!

All you need is a little heart break, pranks, schemes, relationships, some fluff and a pinch of friendship and Pow an awesome story. But that's only a suggestion, so your don't need to use but just trying to help.

Anyway I hope you make this into a full story, because it has so much potential!

Again really hoping you make this into a FULL story. (lol okay I think I left enough hints)

So anyway, have a great day :)
6/19/2012 c1 5IamNyssaDaughterofHephaestus
This was so sweet. Please continue it.
6/19/2012 c1 Lucky ducky
This was so cute! Please update
6/19/2012 c1 10ancientgreekfreak
This was REALLY good. The second chapter, if you decide to make one (and I really hope you do) could be about Jason and Piper reuniting, either in a few years/months, or a few days after the story takes place.

ancientgreekfreak
6/19/2012 c1 DaughterOfMinerva-Athena
Please make this a two-shot. Please have it end when Jason returne to Camp Half-Blood to be with her!
6/19/2012 c1 shell1237
Awe so cute!
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