for She's the Coach?6/3/2013 c3 Yuu
She's the coach? Pls!:3
She's the coach? Pls!:3
10/19/2012 c6 Nispedana
This looks interesting and I'm glad you're rewriting this. Note that I haven't read beyond the prologue, but I did skim through (since I wanna read the rewritten version w/o being spoiled lol), ne?
Okay, here are my suggestions that I hope will somewhat help the rewriting process.
1. Write longer chapters It's definitely better than writing many many short chapters. Plus they tend to get more reviews, in case you care about them like I do.
2. The paragraphs can be shorter. There is what we call 'visual weight' and the current paragraphs are very very heavy. Some dialogues can stand on their own, inside their own little paragraphs.
3. You should realize by now that this is very mary-suish. I don't hate 'em, especially since I kinda write some of my own, but I suggest you put more effort into making her more relatable, ne?
4. The summary! Hehe. Please don't say 'summary sucks' never never never do that, okay? Even when you think so, saying it to the world- and not to mention on the first sentences prospective readers will see- is a big No-no.
Good luck and I wish you the best. (;D
This looks interesting and I'm glad you're rewriting this. Note that I haven't read beyond the prologue, but I did skim through (since I wanna read the rewritten version w/o being spoiled lol), ne?
Okay, here are my suggestions that I hope will somewhat help the rewriting process.
1. Write longer chapters It's definitely better than writing many many short chapters. Plus they tend to get more reviews, in case you care about them like I do.
2. The paragraphs can be shorter. There is what we call 'visual weight' and the current paragraphs are very very heavy. Some dialogues can stand on their own, inside their own little paragraphs.
3. You should realize by now that this is very mary-suish. I don't hate 'em, especially since I kinda write some of my own, but I suggest you put more effort into making her more relatable, ne?
4. The summary! Hehe. Please don't say 'summary sucks' never never never do that, okay? Even when you think so, saying it to the world- and not to mention on the first sentences prospective readers will see- is a big No-no.
Good luck and I wish you the best. (;D
9/7/2012 c3 
1jenshim1518
Oh God. My heart is pounding. What happened with Hikari all these years? I wonder. Please update soon.
1jenshim1518Oh God. My heart is pounding. What happened with Hikari all these years? I wonder. Please update soon.
9/6/2012 c2 9ShinigamiinPeru
Mmmmm... it sounds good so far, and I wish to read more of it, update real soon! :)
9ShinigamiinPeruMmmmm... it sounds good so far, and I wish to read more of it, update real soon! :)
9/5/2012 c2 Anonymous
Whoa. Major plot change. But will how she escaped or whatever be explained? Also will the ocs stay the same? Oh. And will you tell how they (the ocs and Hikari) met?
Whoa. Major plot change. But will how she escaped or whatever be explained? Also will the ocs stay the same? Oh. And will you tell how they (the ocs and Hikari) met?
9/5/2012 c2 2Jewlygem
I like it better this way it makes more entertaining though the first story was why I got interested so it wasn't bad either
2JewlygemI like it better this way it makes more entertaining though the first story was why I got interested so it wasn't bad either
8/20/2012 c5 kinni
Can you please upload!
Can you please upload!
7/30/2012 c6 oblivionofdoom
Update sooner plz its good but the chapters are really short
Update sooner plz its good but the chapters are really short
7/27/2012 c6 6Rie Mizuki
Hahaha . I won't hate you. It seemed you are in hurrying or something? The order you write a bit messy in this chapter, but well it doesn't matter. I still love to see next. Keep writing, ne?
6Rie MizukiHahaha . I won't hate you. It seemed you are in hurrying or something? The order you write a bit messy in this chapter, but well it doesn't matter. I still love to see next. Keep writing, ne?