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for Road to Sakura

8/5/2012 c2 wlkwos
This has all the makings of a very interesting story, especially as a character study of Sakura were she the one to lose her parents rather than Naruto. The first chapter throws us into the middle of an action-packed situation, but remains focused on the Haruno family and establishes the first set of changes in the Road to Sakura world - her father as Hokage, and the death of both her parents. It may be brief, but it is vivid, the action happening here and now. This second chapter is less immediate, as it describes not individual moments but general circumstances, but it continues to establish important personality and situational differences: Naruto still has his parents and Hinata is upfront and whilst she still loves Naruto, she is not the sweet and caring girl of the manga. As a point of interest, whilst I have no objections to "would" descriptions of events, one creative writing lecturer told me that it is better to use individual scenes to illustrate habitual events - make of that what you will.

You definitely have a gift for describing the inner workings of your characters' heads. You make it very clear very quickly how lonely Sakura is, how much resentment she feels towards Naruto, how she feels the pressure of being a Hokage's daughter. The village's thoughtless sympathising was, I thought, an interesting idea - Sakura is feeling a similar sort of isolation to Konohamaru at the start of the manga, and since she is orphaned with nobody to look after her (oh, Konoha, wherever are your therapists?) she is truly alone. Her situation also reminds me of Sasuke after the massacre of his family, especially the way she takes some of her anger out on Naruto.

I'm also curious about the fact that Sakura specifically picks out Naruto's father as a possible Hokage candidate. Is there some background history there that we will learn a little more about, or is just knowing that Minato could have been the Hokage sufficient? Also, I like the Tsubasa Chronicle take on the personalities of the RTN characters. It makes a lot of sense, and works nicely as an explanation of Hinata's volte-face. In addition to having a much more brash and less forgiving personality (outwardly, at least), she's taken on Ino's original role as Sakura's best friend, but also Sakura's role in breaking the friendship over a boy, though for different reasons. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with the other kids when they appear.

In terms of criticism, there really isn't much that I can say. I liked the way you used present tense for the first chapter, as it made the action that much more immediate, though there were a few places where the tense slipped: Kizashi regrets "that he was unable to keep his daughter" should be "has been unable", for instance. In this chapter, there are two typos, "arrives home" for "arrived home" and "tradegy" for "tragedy", and one unnecessary "of" in "she did of a friend". So really minor proof-reading things. I have no complaints about chapter structure or pacing, and I love how sensitively you handle Kizashi and Mebuki's awareness of their impending deaths in the first chapter. Their actions tell us everything. We know that they won't be coming back, and Sakura's incomprehension is all the more poignant.

I think I'm going to enjoy reading the rest of this fic - it looks set to be another of your exquisitely crafted little stories. And I think the Road to Ninja universe is a wonderful new place to explore. This should be really entertaining!
8/4/2012 c8 4TheBloodyLoveOfSakuraHaruno
No-name bridge hahaha. It's already weird. Haku is a girl... and Sasuke flirted? XD Wow
8/4/2012 c8 1J-N-Carlo
Oh, that's messed up! I wonder what they'll do to stop it...
8/4/2012 c8 5Tearhart
8/4/2012 c8 14piercephone
Honest to God, I love this story. I like how you made Sakura's parents Hokage instead of Naruto's. Update soon!
8/4/2012 c8 Shadows
I wish I didn't read so fast! Good chappie :) keep it up
8/3/2012 c7 4Your Caffeinated Writer
Love the song troublemaker! Good choice. Can't wait for the next chapter
8/3/2012 c7 Guest
8/3/2012 c7 4TheBloodyLoveOfSakuraHaruno
Haha. Wasn't Kaiza the bad guy...or the dad? Hmmm...but this sounds like a funny mission non the less :)
8/3/2012 c7 Shadows
UUuuuuu it's ON! I wonder how all this will lead to sasusaku... they are starting off pretty rocky and doesn't seem to get better, :) and interesting how you made Kaiza the client when he was supposed to be dead, this is bound to be a little different, at least in Inari's case, he won't be such a hurt little boy now will he? hmm please update soon, I am eating up your story.
8/2/2012 c7 1J-N-Carlo
Aa, more competition, eh? Can't wait to see what happens next! Yeah ... um actually the bridge builder's name is Tazuna, Kaiza is Inari's "Father" who Gato executed.
8/2/2012 c7 5Tearhart
I like it!
7/31/2012 c6 4Your Caffeinated Writer
Oh snap lol that fight came out of no where. Loved it though!
7/31/2012 c6 4TheBloodyLoveOfSakuraHaruno
Daaaamn. She might end up being that idiot though :C But I can't wait to see their horribly childish battle. It should be funny
7/31/2012 c6 Shadows
I just read all six chapters. :) well this is mighty interesting, because you can't exactly predict where this is all going. Sakura is kinda bitter, but she's still 12, who wouldn't be? It's hard not to be when everyone around you is happy, but I would like to see this continue and see her blossom, without all that hatred and bitterness weighing her down. Sasuke is ...interesting. Please continue, update soon!
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