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for THE CHARMED ONES KIDS

2/12/2014 c1 JONANDDANYFOREVER
Love the story why does chris have way more powers than wyatt when wyatt is twice blessed therefore the strongest and what's up with leo and gypsy and where are the girls are they dead or just retired
8/27/2012 c3 jagger
Mix it up a little. when people are speaking in your story. read it and see if it sounds like something someone might say in conversation. becuase some of what the characters are saying are not how people usualy speak. it just doesn't seem natural.

sorry. The story sounds interesting. I just can't read it. the way it's written is a little dull and forced.
8/25/2012 c2 6adellamuriel
I know I have ready reviewed this story but why do you write your other story not in caps lock and why do you write this story in caps lock because to me its annoying
8/24/2012 c4 mclaughlin
Quick question - When and How did Piper get the power of premonitions?

Please get someone to reread your work before you upload it to fanfic as you still seem to be having spelling and grammar issues.

Also give us the courtesy of a decent background for this story. You seem to have started this story from the middle and not given a proper begining to explain why and how certain things have happened to the sisters and their husbands and just why Wyatt, Chris and others are left without any parental guidance?

Surely the Elders would have intervened especially considering the ages of the kids. They would have brought back Prue to help as Wyatt is not really capable of handling children - even with Chris' help.

BTW - don't be offended with my words as I can see in other reviews of this story that others have expressed their concerns for this story but you don't really seem to care that there are people who really want this story to succeed and be really worth reading(Me for one.)and you don't really care how a story should be set out.
8/19/2012 c4 Guest
Gypsy may be a Mary Sue, which this fandom surprisingly has a big problem with but doesn't acknowledge...
8/19/2012 c4 18Iaveina
I would like to say now that the following review is NOT A FLAME!

Firstly..what's with the influx of caps lock? It gives the impression that you're screaming the story at us! You don't need to write everything in caps! I would highly suggest getting a beta reader, they can pick things like this up for you and help you with things like spelling, punctuation, grammar and general story flow; since even in the first chapter it's clear you could use a little help... try to add a little bit more description as well as it'll help fuel the reader's imagination. At the moment it just seems like everyone's yelling at each other and not getting anywhere.

For example, with the first two paragraphs:

One night a family sat down for dinner.

"This week Wyatt will take Parker to school, Chris is working at The Club and I'm working at Magic School. Henry, are you teaching classes at Magic School this week?" Gypsy asked, pouring herself a glass of water from a pitcher.

"Yes I am. I can also pick Park's up from school and bring her to Magic School with me." Henry replied, winking at his cousin as he helped himself to another serving of pie.

Or something akin to that. You need to try and use words other than 'said' - if they're asking a question then 'asked', 'enquired', 'wondered' or something like that will put across more of a sense of what you're trying to say than 'said' which is...quite bland and can sound overly repetitive if you use it all the time.

Secondly, what's with Gypsy being able to shimmer, orb AND flame? I understand that she's supposed to be powerful as there's a prophecy regarding her and Chris, but aren't shimmering and flaming inherently used by 'evil' beings in the Charmed universe? She's obviously inherited orbing from Leo, and I can understand if she was evil being able to perhaps dark!orb away (and maybe shimmer or flame) but all three at the same time seems incredibly unbelievable.

You need to expand on explanation a lot as well, especially in the first chapter of a story. You need to explain that Chris and Gypsy are twins ("Leo and Piper were incredibly shocked that when Chris was born he was born with a twin sister. Leo and Piper decided to call her Gypsy, *with maybe a little explanation as to why they chose this name since it's a bit unusual for Piper and Leo's tastes*"), and not rely on the massive and rather annoying first two chapters (those first two chapters aren't needed. Include explanation in your story). Why is everyone mad at Leo? Why can only Kevin and Roland go to the manor?

Again, this is NOT a flame! This story has potential, you just need to go through it a bit more with a fine-tooth comb!
8/11/2012 c6 4ovoriel
ok, please don't take this the wrong way: i'm not flaming you - just some constructive criticism.
first of all - please write longer chapters. i literally read all three in less than as many seconds. the way things are, nothing actually happens in a single chapter - hell, i'm not sure anything happened yet at all... also, you write a story here, not a script (as this lacks a script's structure) - so try to make your writing more flowing, discriptive. it kinda sounds like an excited middle-schooler retelling something to her friends (again - no offence meant).
second, you should consider a beta or at least do some self-editting after writing. this has many typos (that could be simplly due to the computer) so you may want to consider re-reading before you publish...
i'm just saying that because i think this has the potential to be pretty good - but those things interfere and kinda ruin it, so... *shrug*
8/10/2012 c6 mclaughlin
I understand when you say Chris has more powers than Wyatt considering he is half Elder - but 25 more than Wyatt?

Come on. Thats a bit too much - even if there is a prophecy.

I find that a bit too much.

Any chance the chapters could be a bit longer. And please have someone check your work as you are still having problems with your spelling and grammar and please, please learn how to put the story in a proper format so that it is easy to read and understand.

Don't be upset or offended with my comments I only wish to help.
I do like what you have so far. Keep going.
8/9/2012 c3 6adellamuriel
A waste of time for chapter one and chapter two but can you please update so i can see if its a good story
8/5/2012 c2 Phoenix
While I know it's important to post this, it is really shouldn't be posted as chapters. Some may see it as a waste of the readers time to post it as 2 chapters when it could have been addressed in the beginning of the chapter or in 1 chapter.
8/5/2012 c1 A fan
You have a pretty good set up :) I'm honestly kind of glad to see Chris slash in here, and looking forward to the story :) However you might want to edit your summary a bit to attract more viewers :)
8/7/2012 c2 mclaughlin
I look forward to reading the story once you get it up on fanfic.

You wasted so much time on the second chapter which you could have put with the first chapter - also learn how to spell words correctly. Why have you given Chris and his supposed twin so many powers? Some I have not even heard of that are from the charmed line and some not even from the Elders. Wyatt is supposed to be powerful and so is Chris, Wyatt is the 'Twice-Blessed' and Chris Half-Elder which suggests that they are just as powerful as each other - Chris might be a little bit more considering he is Half Elder but not too much, so that fact that you have given him over 40 different powers and Wyatt only 15 sounds a bit and Wyatt are supposed to be equal in powers.

I don't mean to nitpick but it also irritates me when I see a summary for a really great story only to see the first and second chapters just listing who they are and what powers and who they are dating. I mean - who cares, you could have put it all in a first chapter and have it as a introduction. But this is your story and I will still read it as I like the summary for this story.
8/5/2012 c2 6an'rysse and dee
Can't wait for your story

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