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for Kidnapped

11/15/2023 c2 ChilledBoat
you used to call me on my cellphone
11/18/2020 c4 Guest
It would seem the writer has disappeared forever
12/11/2015 c4 Yun Foxi
Is Marisa dead?
12/22/2012 c4 41SHSL Slacker
... hot damn.

I love it. The plot and the explanations and the CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! Yeah, I just... love it.

Although Marisa's death disappoints me. *derp*

Keep up the good work! :D
9/21/2012 c4 2Winged Ikaros
Cliffhangers are not bad! But they must be interesting and leave the readers hooked for the next chapter to work; just cutting two chapters on half looks bad.

So it was our Snowflames pal the one tasked with betaing your work... And I must say, he's done an impressive work! Compared to the other three chapters, this one has seen a huge improvement of narration quality, especially pertaining lack of descriptions, repetition of senteces and correct usage of verb tenses. There are some puntual mistakes at some specific parts, but they can be easily overlooked.

A lot of things happen on this loooong chapter -gotta blame/thank Snow for this 13k words behemoth- But I'll say that the plot is as interesting as ever, and I'm rooting for the fight between Alice, Medicine and Suzie. Suzie's character development, as she tries to overcome her fear, is an excellent addition to add with the "mystery" of her parents' murderer and what the hell happened to Marisa. The moral dilemma that hinges upon Hourai and Imouto is the perfect topping for the cake. And Medicine being Mokou's doll? That was unexpected, which makes it the more original.

However, there are some parts which I don't quite get. First of all, the few qualms Alice has to tell her captive about her own personal problems, without much pressure from Suzie. I think I already addressed this on last chapter's review, but the problem is still there. If I were Alice I wouldn't go talking about my dreams and familiar problems at the first chance with my own captive... but maybe that's just me. And also, how "quickly" Alice agreed to "help" Suzie in her search for Medicine, even though her only friend has just been murdered. One would expect Alice not to get out of her depression for a while, even if she had Suzie and her dolls to support her.

Anyway, these two things didn't prevent me from enjoying this excellent chapter, so I congratulate you and Snow both for your good work! Keep it up!
9/20/2012 c3 Winged Ikaros
And after Haru's tragic (?) fate at Reimu's hands, we move on to the next captive! Suzie Starling, the woman who's afraid of dolls... Name doesn't sound too Japanese, like you'd expect from a native of Gensokyo, but that doesn't matter for story purposes. However, it does seem a bit too much of a coincidence that her captor is, of all people, the only known puppeteer of the world... or is it really just a coincidence? *dun dun dunnnnn*

What struck me odd here is that Alice and Suzie don't appear to have a kidnapper-captive relationship, opposed to Haru and Reimu. It seemed more like Alice let Suzie stay at her house after that village incident. In that case you'll have to explain what reasons had Alice to do that in the next chapters.

Suzie's backstory seems believable enough to justify her fear for dolls, but if you know your parents had been done in by poison, you wouldn't go blaming a blade-user doll for their deaths just because it gave you the bad eye. Well, that's just me using fridge logic, but it's true that fear can make you think irrationally, so...

And then we get to know Marisa's captive, Danielle Mizu, the Robin Hood of Gensokyo, paired with the most compulsive kleptomaniac girl on the land. A match made in Heaven - or Hell for those on the recieving end of their plundering. She and Suzie seem to have a little feud between them, but Mizu also showed some concern for our new protagonist. Just what the hell is she up to? And then, Suzie gets "kidnapped" by Shanghai and Hourai... and bland cliffhanger. The ending of this chapter could have been worded much better to create some suspense; the way you did it seemed like it was simply cut off.

I saw several mistakes scattered all over this chapter. The most glaring one is Suzie constantly stating her fear of dolls at every, frikkin', second, possible. It's the same as Haru saying Reimu was tsundere; we don't need to be told that, let the character's actions speak for themselves. Show, don't tell, as they say. A bit of purple prose might be useful to make the description of Suzie's fear more interesting to read.
Also, I spotted some sentences written twice several times, and you use the past and present tense for narration alternatively, when you should stick to one (preferably the past tense). A betareader will be helpful for spotting those two mistakes. Other than that, I see no big mistakes on this chapter. If you want a more detailed revision, PM me.

I think I heard you already found a betareader for your next chapter. Hopefully the narrative quality will improve thanks to him/her. The story so far promises to be deeper than it first looked. Keep up the good work!
9/18/2012 c3 11Nicolas Crossworth
Yo I see a new story's up!

I didn't see anything wrong with it as I read so that's good! The ending got me good and got me hooked, keep it up! Oh and it's obvious who it is who killed Suzie's father but I suppose you'll make a few twists and turns before splashing the truth, eh?
9/17/2012 c3 8Mephiles666
You had a word kinda repeated in the same sentence. Other than that, it's okay.
9/17/2012 c2 Mephiles666
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaamn. *thumbs up*
9/17/2012 c3 30Sonanoka21093
I look forward to seeing if he gets a bad end, or a good end! Keep up the good work
8/20/2012 c2 6Xy-Trig
... Not used to endings like this yet. OH WELL. MONMUSU QUEST SENSES ACTIVATE.
8/20/2012 c1 Xy-Trig
Oh dear I am going to love this. My *this is gonna be awesome* senses are tingling.
8/16/2012 c2 30Sonanoka21093
Aww... Poor Marisa... She'll be missed, I'm sure...
8/15/2012 c2 3darkhero what must be done
well the way i see it is marisa had it comeing. let's face it if reimu didn't do it either patchy, alice, mima9for abondening her), rinnosuke, or even an angry mob of villagers she was a bad girl that mad to many enemies for her own good. and as for the yandera thing don't worry that goes away about 6 monthes after a yandera has captured it's subject usely at that point confident that they won't loose it.
8/13/2012 c1 darkhero what must be done
this story kind of reminds me of the monster girl encyclopedia and the other books attached to it. let me explane

in the monster girl encyclopedia book series a powerful succubus killed the old monster lord and casted a powerful curse that she created to allow humans and monsters to live in peace. the cure transformed all monster, including the male ones, into cute monster girls each one designed to appeal to the tast of different types of men, some were prideful, some were strong, some were stupid, some were lustful, and some were just plane cute. however they are all fathful to their chosen mate. anyways in this world only female monster can be born and male humans can be born. the monster would more offten than not invade human villages in this story looking for husbands. ost of the time they would stay away from clammed men but when every they encountered a human female they would either kill it or transform it into a monster girl. in order to keep their human mate alive they woud either transform him into a incubus threw constant mateing or they would give him mermaid blood which has life extending effects on humans in other words the more mermaid blood they drink the longer they live. to top it off monster girls actually become stronger by takeing human mates because they can feed on the humans spiritual energy that dureing mateing which increases their own power. you should know that incubuses in this stroy are still techniqualy human because they still can create spiritual energy though becomeing an incubus has several perks like being able to fly, your physical appearance greatly improves, you live as long as a monster girl, and your physical abilities increase buy 20 fold. their are a few other perks but their is no way to word them without getting myself banned from fanfiction
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