11/18/2020 c4 Guest
It would seem the writer has disappeared forever

12/22/2012 c4 41SHSL Slacker
... hot damn.

I love it. The plot and the explanations and the CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! Yeah, I just... love it.

Although Marisa's death disappoints me. *derp*

Keep up the good work! :D

9/20/2012 c3 Winged Ikaros
And after Haru's tragic (?) fate at Reimu's hands, we move on to the next captive! Suzie Starling, the woman who's afraid of dolls... Name doesn't sound too Japanese, like you'd expect from a native of Gensokyo, but that doesn't matter for story purposes. However, it does seem a bit too much of a coincidence that her captor is, of all people, the only known puppeteer of the world... or is it really just a coincidence? *dun dun dunnnnn*

What struck me odd here is that Alice and Suzie don't appear to have a kidnapper-captive relationship, opposed to Haru and Reimu. It seemed more like Alice let Suzie stay at her house after that village incident. In that case you'll have to explain what reasons had Alice to do that in the next chapters.

Suzie's backstory seems believable enough to justify her fear for dolls, but if you know your parents had been done in by poison, you wouldn't go blaming a blade-user doll for their deaths just because it gave you the bad eye. Well, that's just me using fridge logic, but it's true that fear can make you think irrationally, so...

And then we get to know Marisa's captive, Danielle Mizu, the Robin Hood of Gensokyo, paired with the most compulsive kleptomaniac girl on the land. A match made in Heaven - or Hell for those on the recieving end of their plundering. She and Suzie seem to have a little feud between them, but Mizu also showed some concern for our new protagonist. Just what the hell is she up to? And then, Suzie gets "kidnapped" by Shanghai and Hourai... and bland cliffhanger. The ending of this chapter could have been worded much better to create some suspense; the way you did it seemed like it was simply cut off.

I saw several mistakes scattered all over this chapter. The most glaring one is Suzie constantly stating her fear of dolls at every, frikkin', second, possible. It's the same as Haru saying Reimu was tsundere; we don't need to be told that, let the character's actions speak for themselves. Show, don't tell, as they say. A bit of purple prose might be useful to make the description of Suzie's fear more interesting to read.
Also, I spotted some sentences written twice several times, and you use the past and present tense for narration alternatively, when you should stick to one (preferably the past tense). A betareader will be helpful for spotting those two mistakes. Other than that, I see no big mistakes on this chapter. If you want a more detailed revision, PM me.

I think I heard you already found a betareader for your next chapter. Hopefully the narrative quality will improve thanks to him/her. The story so far promises to be deeper than it first looked. Keep up the good work!

9/17/2012 c3 8Mephiles666
You had a word kinda repeated in the same sentence. Other than that, it's okay.

9/17/2012 c3 30Sonanoka21093
I look forward to seeing if he gets a bad end, or a good end! Keep up the good work

8/20/2012 c1 Xy-Trig
Oh dear I am going to love this. My *this is gonna be awesome* senses are tingling.

8/15/2012 c2 3darkhero what must be done
well the way i see it is marisa had it comeing. let's face it if reimu didn't do it either patchy, alice, mima9for abondening her), rinnosuke, or even an angry mob of villagers she was a bad girl that mad to many enemies for her own good. and as for the yandera thing don't worry that goes away about 6 monthes after a yandera has captured it's subject usely at that point confident that they won't loose it.