for The New Student10/16/2012 c1 Guest
i think Kagome's Aniki is sesshomaru because her anki is a rich businessman i would imaged sesshomaru.
i think Kagome's Aniki is sesshomaru because her anki is a rich businessman i would imaged sesshomaru.
8/31/2012 c2 
16ShikiKira
Don't delete the story, just delete the chapter. Don't do this until you have the prologue and the actual first chapter re-written to include more details and everything.
16ShikiKiraDon't delete the story, just delete the chapter. Don't do this until you have the prologue and the actual first chapter re-written to include more details and everything.
8/18/2012 c1 Eva723
Nice,nice start! Please update when you can... What are the pairings going to be?
Nice,nice start! Please update when you can... What are the pairings going to be?
8/17/2012 c1 10TsukiyoTenshi
I have to admit that, while the chapter was short and not very descriptive when it came to background info and all that, it was a good start. The things I'd advise you to do would be to separate the dialogue from the non-dialogue bits when writing. It's good that you used short paragraphs, since man tend to go into mondo-sized ones, making it difficult to read. Another piece of advise would be to try and add more to both the background and chapter itself. Many times you see authors use short updates, but that usually makes some readers a little frustrated.
Anywho, as I said before, this was a good start to what I hope will be a very good story. By the way: When in the series will this take place? And just who will Kagome be paired up with?
10TsukiyoTenshiI have to admit that, while the chapter was short and not very descriptive when it came to background info and all that, it was a good start. The things I'd advise you to do would be to separate the dialogue from the non-dialogue bits when writing. It's good that you used short paragraphs, since man tend to go into mondo-sized ones, making it difficult to read. Another piece of advise would be to try and add more to both the background and chapter itself. Many times you see authors use short updates, but that usually makes some readers a little frustrated.
Anywho, as I said before, this was a good start to what I hope will be a very good story. By the way: When in the series will this take place? And just who will Kagome be paired up with?
8/16/2012 c1 1agimaru
From what I can see, you're doing a good job on the start-up! I'm impressed with the accuracy of your weapon names and overall lack of typos. The couple things I have a problem with are frequent in first fics:
-Punctuation missing after a phrase
-This sentence [She put on a necklace that had 7 little charms(...)a small kitten (Kirara).] can be written without using parentheses the way you did. Here, it feels like you, the author is listing off the objects instead of a narrator.
-... Please don't make her too powerful. I cannot stress this enough. From what I can see, she'll have a full arsenal of weapons at her disposal. It makes it very hard to believe the story if she's godly at the very beginning.
-Some things here are too overdone (charm necklace, rich "aniki", multiple charas)
-I can believe she'd use sutras, and I can believe she got training to use Hiraikotsu. It gets weird when you add demon weapons to the mix. Also, what is Kirara doing there? I doubt Kagome would put her there willingly.
...And that's pretty much it! Remember to make your updates longer if you update slowly, and plan your chapters in advance. I look forward to seeing your next update!
1agimaruFrom what I can see, you're doing a good job on the start-up! I'm impressed with the accuracy of your weapon names and overall lack of typos. The couple things I have a problem with are frequent in first fics:
-Punctuation missing after a phrase
-This sentence [She put on a necklace that had 7 little charms(...)a small kitten (Kirara).] can be written without using parentheses the way you did. Here, it feels like you, the author is listing off the objects instead of a narrator.
-... Please don't make her too powerful. I cannot stress this enough. From what I can see, she'll have a full arsenal of weapons at her disposal. It makes it very hard to believe the story if she's godly at the very beginning.
-Some things here are too overdone (charm necklace, rich "aniki", multiple charas)
-I can believe she'd use sutras, and I can believe she got training to use Hiraikotsu. It gets weird when you add demon weapons to the mix. Also, what is Kirara doing there? I doubt Kagome would put her there willingly.
...And that's pretty much it! Remember to make your updates longer if you update slowly, and plan your chapters in advance. I look forward to seeing your next update!
8/16/2012 c1 130RetrougeWitch
I like it.(:
I hope you update soon, and for my guess... Sesshoumaru, maybe? Or maybe someone we don't know?(;
Ja'Ne,
Auroua.
130RetrougeWitchI like it.(:
I hope you update soon, and for my guess... Sesshoumaru, maybe? Or maybe someone we don't know?(;
Ja'Ne,
Auroua.
8/16/2012 c1 1Alice-okaami
good start. im pretty sure her aniki is sesshoumaru .update when you can. oh and thanks for reviewing my story
1Alice-okaamigood start. im pretty sure her aniki is sesshoumaru .update when you can. oh and thanks for reviewing my story