Just In
for brother search remake

8/29/2012 c1 10SailorPlath
Oh boy, okay I'm not going to make this long. I promise, just stick with me through this. I understand this a remake of your other story yet the only difference is that there's less dialogue.

In terms of formatting, you really need to consider spacing out your paragraphs and using punctuation. Most of the story looks like a giant run on sentence due to the lack of proper capitalizing. The fact that this entire chapter is just two paragraphs isn't a very good start. You also lack any proper description throughout. All you give is some short information about Lily's appearance which I'm guessing is just Yuck with a bow on his ears and the two characters we already know the appearances of. Then there's that fight scene which was simply vague and short.

You also tend to have a "show don't tell" moment, especially in this part:

"I got up from where I sat I heard screaming though and just froze there if you couldn't tell I was not only a newbie to this town but scared as well."

We can already tell Lily's scared by the fact that she froze. Also the fact that you point out she's wandering through an unknown town lets us know, she's new to the area. You don't have to restate it.

There's also this:
"(in the original fanfic yuck accidently got him and lily seperated in this one it's a new oc)"

If you wanted us to know this information, you could have put it in an author's note at the bottom of the page instead of breaking from the POV to shove in information. Besides, the reader doesn't need to know what happened in the other story that no longer applies to the new one.

And the way you describe things are rushed, jumbled together, and have no flow. You could have easily taken advantage of this chapter to go into depth about how everything happened but instead you tell us in one big sentence. This, for example:

"today was the most horrible day ever! First i'm seperated from my mother and twin who's a boy his name is yuck which I don't think was a very good name but I love him anyway."

You need to capitalize "today", you need to place a comma after first, capitalize "I'm" and...well I really don't think I should have to teach you basic grammar. I'm not going to bother going on about it since there are so many mistakes.

Now about your sentences. That sentence has information just forced into it especially the part:

"...and twin who's a boy his name is yuck which I don't think was a very good name but I love him anyway."

I'm guessing you're either trying to push this info into the same sentence or you're just lacking a period. I can't really tell. Aside from that, the content of the sentence is off to me.

It makes little sense for Yuck of all characters to have a sister. Yuck (unless you can't Yin and Yang) has no family. He's an individual being created from Yin and Yang. Him having a sister and even a mother and father could never happen. If this were an AU story, MAYBE it could have work but aside from that, please refrain from establishing family members to canon characters for little reason.

Now about your character. I can't say much about her aside from the fact that it's impossible for her to exist.

I hope this was short enough for you. Not trying to hurt you feelings, only offering some advice. From what I'm guessing you're either a troll or just someone who really, really needs some guidance.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service