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1/15/2019 c1 Guest
What the fuck is this fuckery
10/3/2017 c1 16CalKJ
Nice guys get all the poon tang.
Good: No one got killed.
Bad: No one got slapped.
Sucked: Goddammit. Don't call me a pansy.
Ruled: Me.
End of discussion.
3/13/2013 c1 lightsoilder297
Make more m rated story
11/11/2012 c1 5Supreme King of Awesome
D'aww. Total niceness.
10/10/2012 c1 Midnight Wing
Little king dont pay any attention to what anon or the other guy said While i do agree that the author to character thing was a little lengthy This was a great story I love the whole SoShiki thing its really cute great story Im begging you to write another chapter Thanks
9/25/2012 c1 2Xerzo LotCN
haha fun and cute pretty good
8/30/2012 c1 4The Dismotivator
Well, he wanted a review, and I'd say he got it.

King, this isn't done right. The author-to-character interaction takes up more space than the actual story itself, and is generally not a good thing to do in fanfiction, because it has a higher chance of being annoying than funny. And, to be honest, I agree with everything Anon said.

Why, yes, Soshiki is interesting, but you wrote it very carelessly.

It tells itself as if you were telling it to a bunch of friends over lunch, mixing in prose that doesn't fit with casual storytelling. Those two don't mix.

This story is written in past tense. 'Currently with at the moment' is not in past tense. 'At the moment' would be fine, but 'currently' isn't. 'Currently' is for present tense.

Characters are OoC. Kairi doesn't get so jealous she'd rage and cuss in her head. She's a princess of heart. No darkness, no jealousy. Anger is okay, but not jealousy. (How did she even GET there?)

'Time to back track a bit.' No. Backtracking (yes, it is one word) shouldn't be done. Flashbacks are okay if you know how to pull them off, and backtracking might work, too, if it were told in first person and such a situation where the expression would fit was present. But it doesn't work at all here. It's a product of careless writing.

And, of course, references. You're doing it wrong. You don't put references in as descriptions. They're best presented as things the characters do or say. Even what happens to them would work as a reference, but not like this. People who have not played TWEWY will not know how Beat looks when he is called by his real name.

Now, the difference between 'to' and 'too'. 'Too' is the one that means 'also'. 'To' isn't.

The rules of fanfiction dot net state that you can't put author's notes in the story. You can put them before and after the story. It doesn't matter how short they are, if they're notes, they're notes. Going against the rules could get the story in trouble.

There are punctuation and grammar issues, but your storytelling seriously needs some work, so we have to focus on that first.

You typed 'END!' twice. Learn to use the breaks. As in, those long lines you see on some stories, where they separate scenes.

Good? Could've been. Bad? So close. Sucked? Mostly. Ruled? I'm afraid we're far from that.

Keep practicing, though. I'm here to support.
8/26/2012 c1 Guest
written well :o
8/26/2012 c1 Anon
Dude. First thing first, that author to character interaction is annoying. It's too long, not every character had to make a comment and frankly I'm here for the story.

Now, this story has potential especially with interesting chemistry of Sora and Shiki. But the you written it is really bad.

I get it's narrative form of story however, there were just some parts that gave off to much of your own opinion. Another thing, those references you threw from the games; goldfish glare, Beat's expression when you say his full name, cat not pig, yeah too much of that was there.

It seem like lazy writing on the emotions parts since you always described it with a reference or opinion of a character. Also the pacing was bad. Next time try using descriptive words, lesser references (because not everyone has play the games), and shorter author's note. Maybe then it'll look less like a commentary and more of a story.

I'll be awaiting for the next chapter.
8/26/2012 c1 Guest
I liked it
8/27/2012 c1 HarryPotterGal129
It was s'ok. The grammar isn't good
8/25/2012 c1 6Xantaxa539
My friend, I think I could start shipping this.
I enjoyed it! Pass it around, spread the word. SOSHIKI! It will happen!
8/25/2012 c1 2Princess Moon Rose
Tht was so cute!

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