for A German Girlfriend8/9/2013 c4 TheLastMarauder
I loved this. It made me laugh out loud so many times. It was great, I really loved it. You struck a perfect balance between chaos and romance. It was fantastic. I loved Mrs Weasley's reaction, how she was ranting and raving, but then just welcomed Larna to the family, that is so Mrs Weasley alright. And the sheer genius of the whole prank - how Fred just wanted to introduce his girlfriend in the most memorable way possible. It was very creative and original - you've got a great head on you for coming up with stuff like that.
Fantastic job, really well done, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this :-)
I loved this. It made me laugh out loud so many times. It was great, I really loved it. You struck a perfect balance between chaos and romance. It was fantastic. I loved Mrs Weasley's reaction, how she was ranting and raving, but then just welcomed Larna to the family, that is so Mrs Weasley alright. And the sheer genius of the whole prank - how Fred just wanted to introduce his girlfriend in the most memorable way possible. It was very creative and original - you've got a great head on you for coming up with stuff like that.
Fantastic job, really well done, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this :-)
8/9/2013 c3 TheLastMarauder
Now things are getting exciting - what is Fred up to? Why must she pretend she is Mr Weasley's long lost niece from Germany? You've ignited my curiosity now, I've no idea where this is going, but I have a feeling it's going to be both brilliant and funny! Can't wait to read on!
Now things are getting exciting - what is Fred up to? Why must she pretend she is Mr Weasley's long lost niece from Germany? You've ignited my curiosity now, I've no idea where this is going, but I have a feeling it's going to be both brilliant and funny! Can't wait to read on!
8/9/2013 c2 TheLastMarauder
Again, this was very well written, I just wish it were longer, with more details! I want to read everything Fred wrote in his letter, or will I find out in the next chapter? It's great how you grab the reader's attention, I want to know what this surprise is now, I must read on! But great job again, well done :-)
Ps. I love how you characterise Fred, he feels like Fred to me, and that's no easy feat to accomplish in just two chapters!
Again, this was very well written, I just wish it were longer, with more details! I want to read everything Fred wrote in his letter, or will I find out in the next chapter? It's great how you grab the reader's attention, I want to know what this surprise is now, I must read on! But great job again, well done :-)
Ps. I love how you characterise Fred, he feels like Fred to me, and that's no easy feat to accomplish in just two chapters!
8/9/2013 c1 TheLastMarauder
You write so well. This was beautiful, the only criticism I can make was that I wish it were longer, with more detail (especially more detail on Larna!). I loved the little one liners you, they were just so well written, for example: "The conversation lapsed and a period of silence fell. It wasn't uncomfortable, just mutual." I don't know why but I just loved that line, it conveyed so much about their relationship.
I also really liked your characterisation of Malfoy, you got him spot on. I've read many fics about him and most don't get him write, but your Malfoy actually speaks like Malfoy.
Great job, look forward to chapter two now! :-)
You write so well. This was beautiful, the only criticism I can make was that I wish it were longer, with more detail (especially more detail on Larna!). I loved the little one liners you, they were just so well written, for example: "The conversation lapsed and a period of silence fell. It wasn't uncomfortable, just mutual." I don't know why but I just loved that line, it conveyed so much about their relationship.
I also really liked your characterisation of Malfoy, you got him spot on. I've read many fics about him and most don't get him write, but your Malfoy actually speaks like Malfoy.
Great job, look forward to chapter two now! :-)
4/4/2013 c4 
9Love.Fiction.2023
Well er? It was ok, but Mrs Weasley is more kinder. It was a little short... But all in all it was good, I will read the sequel
9Love.Fiction.2023Well er? It was ok, but Mrs Weasley is more kinder. It was a little short... But all in all it was good, I will read the sequel
4/4/2013 c1 Love.Fiction.2023
Hmm.. It was a bit soon for them to kiss and say I Love You, but it was sweet:)
Hmm.. It was a bit soon for them to kiss and say I Love You, but it was sweet:)
12/2/2012 c4 159V Thinks On
Okay. There are quite a few problems with this one.
1) Mrs. Weasley would be much nicer and a lot more patient and accommodating. She may get impatient with her own sons, but well, you see how she dots on Harry.
2) Fred would not plan a prank without George unless he had a very good reason, the twins are always together, there's no point in having the love interest be one of the twins unless they're the twins and together.
3) You have the opportunity to introduce your character to the Weasley family, and pass up on it. They're a great interesting family for an outsider to be introduced to. I'd love to see her interactions with the rest of the family, with Harry and Hermione who have to come at some point if Ron's there. You have an idea that involves a great potential set up, so use it to all of that potential.
4) Larna sneaking in just seems unnecessary and messes with the reader's willing suspension of disbelief. Enlisting the help of Ginny is unnecessary if its not really shown, just have her dye her own hair at home. Also, the Weasleys would think to use magic for it, right?
5) Still, all the telling with so little showing. They're that in love? You need to show at least one instance of them interacting, of them falling and being in love without telling it to us.
Over all, your idea is fairly normal, if not too bad, though the prank itself is pretty original. You just need to flesh out your story and use the ideas you present.
Well, that was long, I hope I could help. I'll probably read the sequel another day.
159V Thinks OnOkay. There are quite a few problems with this one.
1) Mrs. Weasley would be much nicer and a lot more patient and accommodating. She may get impatient with her own sons, but well, you see how she dots on Harry.
2) Fred would not plan a prank without George unless he had a very good reason, the twins are always together, there's no point in having the love interest be one of the twins unless they're the twins and together.
3) You have the opportunity to introduce your character to the Weasley family, and pass up on it. They're a great interesting family for an outsider to be introduced to. I'd love to see her interactions with the rest of the family, with Harry and Hermione who have to come at some point if Ron's there. You have an idea that involves a great potential set up, so use it to all of that potential.
4) Larna sneaking in just seems unnecessary and messes with the reader's willing suspension of disbelief. Enlisting the help of Ginny is unnecessary if its not really shown, just have her dye her own hair at home. Also, the Weasleys would think to use magic for it, right?
5) Still, all the telling with so little showing. They're that in love? You need to show at least one instance of them interacting, of them falling and being in love without telling it to us.
Over all, your idea is fairly normal, if not too bad, though the prank itself is pretty original. You just need to flesh out your story and use the ideas you present.
Well, that was long, I hope I could help. I'll probably read the sequel another day.
12/2/2012 c3 V Thinks On
Symbols are great for notes and short hand, but for things you actually post, I'd advise against using them as they just make it seem unedited. Write words out.
This one has all the same problems as the first few chapters. Let things progress slower and show them progressing. Larna has a life outside of Fred, show it. It would be great to meet her friend from school, while she's home for the summer.
Why is Fred introducing Larna to his family as a long lost niece?
Shouldn't Fred know she doesn't like to be embarrassed. For all the times she says she trusts him, she's obviously worried about what he'll do and what his intentions are a lot. It makes her almost seem like an unreliable narrator.
The random chunks of thought are kind of awkward.
Lastly, why is she German? What does her being German have to do with anything? She could just have studied German (or any other language, for all that the trait is being used for) in school and be very good at it, so she can pass as being a native speaker.
Symbols are great for notes and short hand, but for things you actually post, I'd advise against using them as they just make it seem unedited. Write words out.
This one has all the same problems as the first few chapters. Let things progress slower and show them progressing. Larna has a life outside of Fred, show it. It would be great to meet her friend from school, while she's home for the summer.
Why is Fred introducing Larna to his family as a long lost niece?
Shouldn't Fred know she doesn't like to be embarrassed. For all the times she says she trusts him, she's obviously worried about what he'll do and what his intentions are a lot. It makes her almost seem like an unreliable narrator.
The random chunks of thought are kind of awkward.
Lastly, why is she German? What does her being German have to do with anything? She could just have studied German (or any other language, for all that the trait is being used for) in school and be very good at it, so she can pass as being a native speaker.
12/2/2012 c2 V Thinks On
And this here is the problem with telling and not showing. It's very easy for a writer to contradict what they show with what they say is happening. We have no evidence that they love each other. Also, you say that she has full trust in Fred, but just before that you have her jumping to negative conclusions about his actions and intentions, implying that she doesn't trust him.
Though I do like that Larna has a muggle friend, it's a nice touch that gives her a personality, shows that she has a past and didn't just appear out of the blue ready to go to Hogwarts with nothing to leave behind.
Overall, the story is progressing very quickly. While many stories have too much filler, this has too little. I think it could gain a lot from you writing out their date, or showing her in classes, interacting with her other friends, or even, just show the whole letter she writes to her friend. You've started creating a character, don't be afraid to actually bring her to life. Just because she's based off of a real life friend doesn't mean you can't take ownership of the character, you kind of have to in order to write them. You have to get inside her head and show her to the audience.
And this here is the problem with telling and not showing. It's very easy for a writer to contradict what they show with what they say is happening. We have no evidence that they love each other. Also, you say that she has full trust in Fred, but just before that you have her jumping to negative conclusions about his actions and intentions, implying that she doesn't trust him.
Though I do like that Larna has a muggle friend, it's a nice touch that gives her a personality, shows that she has a past and didn't just appear out of the blue ready to go to Hogwarts with nothing to leave behind.
Overall, the story is progressing very quickly. While many stories have too much filler, this has too little. I think it could gain a lot from you writing out their date, or showing her in classes, interacting with her other friends, or even, just show the whole letter she writes to her friend. You've started creating a character, don't be afraid to actually bring her to life. Just because she's based off of a real life friend doesn't mean you can't take ownership of the character, you kind of have to in order to write them. You have to get inside her head and show her to the audience.
12/2/2012 c1 V Thinks On
Why do they not talk the whole time, that sounds kinda awkward, not romantic...
The writing overall isn't bad, but the chapter itself just doesn't work. These characters really could be anyone, there's nothing Harry Potter related in it, except the incident with Draco, and that could have been any girl standing up for any guy against any bully at any school anywhere. It doesn't really need to be a Harry Potter fanfic, it doesn't really use anything from the series.
Also, their relationship progresses really quickly, they don't talk at all on their first date, and then, all of a sudden they're absurdly in love, it just feels so forced, you're telling and not showing. The beauty of a relationship is how it is made, how an accumulation of shared memories builds into that which is known as love, but this has none of that. The "... you're mine." thing sounds really creepy. This might just be me, but claiming someone doesn't sound the least bit romantic, it sounds very possessive, almost like the thoughts of someone about their powerless victim.
Why do they not talk the whole time, that sounds kinda awkward, not romantic...
The writing overall isn't bad, but the chapter itself just doesn't work. These characters really could be anyone, there's nothing Harry Potter related in it, except the incident with Draco, and that could have been any girl standing up for any guy against any bully at any school anywhere. It doesn't really need to be a Harry Potter fanfic, it doesn't really use anything from the series.
Also, their relationship progresses really quickly, they don't talk at all on their first date, and then, all of a sudden they're absurdly in love, it just feels so forced, you're telling and not showing. The beauty of a relationship is how it is made, how an accumulation of shared memories builds into that which is known as love, but this has none of that. The "... you're mine." thing sounds really creepy. This might just be me, but claiming someone doesn't sound the least bit romantic, it sounds very possessive, almost like the thoughts of someone about their powerless victim.