for Coming of the Ancients1/8/2014 c7 
1tpx1
great story so far!
please continue soon! I like the interaction between the different races.
1tpx1great story so far!
please continue soon! I like the interaction between the different races.
1/6/2014 c7 EffervescentNova
Good chapter. Shorter can be sweeter, especially if large amounts of time pass in the chapter. I hope you see my reviews as being constructive, it's how I mean them. You've got a lot of good ideas, I'll be following.
Good chapter. Shorter can be sweeter, especially if large amounts of time pass in the chapter. I hope you see my reviews as being constructive, it's how I mean them. You've got a lot of good ideas, I'll be following.
1/6/2014 c6 EffervescentNova
You made the Templars and Forerunners Ghosts more like Spartans than their own individual forces. Why did they need Spes to organise their 'exfil'? Don't they have theirown AIs? If they're 3 or more metres tall how do they move through the ducts? If they are interested in moving the Duct Rats why announce to the Council that you're responsible?
Again the speech of aliens is too Human to let slide. In fact the perspectives of the 'World Builders' is depicted by you as being not far from where we are now. That's a mistake, they're supposed to view things in terms of cosmic time and not be interested in trite little things.
The Forerunner Ecumene had a continuous history of 10 million years, at least. It is also hinted that Humanity are not just the younger creations of the Precursors but younger than the san'Shyuum, and that they achieved Tier 1 status in less than 50,000 years after their earliest foray into industry.
It's one hell of a plan sitting on their butts for 100,000 years only to randomly re-appear to the galaxy at large due to the most random of events.
You still seem down on the Systems Alliance, we know they have guts when they need it. Where's Udina? Hackett? Anderson? No what they have is a doe eyed Anita Nobody.
Finally, where are the Tier 2 species in the Imperium? The Humans never bothered to preserve anything but the Forerunners during their heroic non-rescue of the galaxy?
Parts of this story are great, others just annoy me endlessly. Like how you rush the writing and don't seem to have anyone check your story for errors and grammar before you post it.
You made the Templars and Forerunners Ghosts more like Spartans than their own individual forces. Why did they need Spes to organise their 'exfil'? Don't they have theirown AIs? If they're 3 or more metres tall how do they move through the ducts? If they are interested in moving the Duct Rats why announce to the Council that you're responsible?
Again the speech of aliens is too Human to let slide. In fact the perspectives of the 'World Builders' is depicted by you as being not far from where we are now. That's a mistake, they're supposed to view things in terms of cosmic time and not be interested in trite little things.
The Forerunner Ecumene had a continuous history of 10 million years, at least. It is also hinted that Humanity are not just the younger creations of the Precursors but younger than the san'Shyuum, and that they achieved Tier 1 status in less than 50,000 years after their earliest foray into industry.
It's one hell of a plan sitting on their butts for 100,000 years only to randomly re-appear to the galaxy at large due to the most random of events.
You still seem down on the Systems Alliance, we know they have guts when they need it. Where's Udina? Hackett? Anderson? No what they have is a doe eyed Anita Nobody.
Finally, where are the Tier 2 species in the Imperium? The Humans never bothered to preserve anything but the Forerunners during their heroic non-rescue of the galaxy?
Parts of this story are great, others just annoy me endlessly. Like how you rush the writing and don't seem to have anyone check your story for errors and grammar before you post it.
1/6/2014 c7 2Hazzamo
Okay, I'm admitting it was slow to read at first, however I pushed on and found a truly unique and interesting crossover. Fantastic job, just hoping you do some combat.
Update soon
2HazzamoOkay, I'm admitting it was slow to read at first, however I pushed on and found a truly unique and interesting crossover. Fantastic job, just hoping you do some combat.
Update soon
1/6/2014 c5 EffervescentNova
The first half of this chapter was paced better than the second. The second half also read as though you were speed typing. Humans aren't playing much of a role in negotiations, strategy, tactics in this fic; often leaving such things to other races. Not really worthy of the 'Mantle'.
The first half of this chapter was paced better than the second. The second half also read as though you were speed typing. Humans aren't playing much of a role in negotiations, strategy, tactics in this fic; often leaving such things to other races. Not really worthy of the 'Mantle'.
1/6/2014 c4 EffervescentNova
I liked the codex.
Ancient Humanity would not have been worthy of the Mantle had they wished to commit genocide against the Forerunners under any pretext.
The colloquialisms are too Human and too frequent for both aliens and Prehistoric Humanity to be using in speech,
Love the scale of the UNSC's new constructs. Should point out that Human made ships class for class are of much smaller tonnage than Covenant ones. During the Great War the UNSC inflicted more damage tonne for tonne.
There are some things off about your codex. Humans utilize Broadswords in favour of Longswords, seen at the end of Halo 4. There was very little change in design, even though there is significant improvement in technology. What Forerunner Tech Level is the UNSC at? We know the Covenant was an adopted Tier 2 civilization.
The scene where the UNSC and Quarians are introduced to Anc Humanity was odd, might want to rethink that introduction. I also feel that the UNSC and Humanity in general comes off as more astute than they've been dewcribed, though I liked how you got the Admirals 'military reserve' spot on.
I liked the codex.
Ancient Humanity would not have been worthy of the Mantle had they wished to commit genocide against the Forerunners under any pretext.
The colloquialisms are too Human and too frequent for both aliens and Prehistoric Humanity to be using in speech,
Love the scale of the UNSC's new constructs. Should point out that Human made ships class for class are of much smaller tonnage than Covenant ones. During the Great War the UNSC inflicted more damage tonne for tonne.
There are some things off about your codex. Humans utilize Broadswords in favour of Longswords, seen at the end of Halo 4. There was very little change in design, even though there is significant improvement in technology. What Forerunner Tech Level is the UNSC at? We know the Covenant was an adopted Tier 2 civilization.
The scene where the UNSC and Quarians are introduced to Anc Humanity was odd, might want to rethink that introduction. I also feel that the UNSC and Humanity in general comes off as more astute than they've been dewcribed, though I liked how you got the Admirals 'military reserve' spot on.
1/6/2014 c3 EffervescentNova
I don't think the Alliance would have any Dreadnoughts prior to contact with the Turians. It would make sense then that they joined the Citadel. You seem to be a bit down on the Systems Alliance.
The Aliens aren't very alien in their speech or thought processes. Obviously in mass effect there are more similarities between Human, Asari and even Turian behaviour than that of any of the Covenant races.
65/000 light years is too far out for the new colony. If the UNSC had expanded beyond the Orion arm at all then due to simple emissions from advanced civilizations,, the UNSC would have discovered the citadel races already.
The UNSC designs haven't been updated much in 500 years. New technology has been bolted on, but they still use 500 century old designs. Not believable when you consider the advancements that have been made. I also don't think that you need to have Humanity immortal to keep various main characters alive. Cryo or Slipspace pods would do the trick just as well, and they already exist in the books.
I don't think the Alliance would have any Dreadnoughts prior to contact with the Turians. It would make sense then that they joined the Citadel. You seem to be a bit down on the Systems Alliance.
The Aliens aren't very alien in their speech or thought processes. Obviously in mass effect there are more similarities between Human, Asari and even Turian behaviour than that of any of the Covenant races.
65/000 light years is too far out for the new colony. If the UNSC had expanded beyond the Orion arm at all then due to simple emissions from advanced civilizations,, the UNSC would have discovered the citadel races already.
The UNSC designs haven't been updated much in 500 years. New technology has been bolted on, but they still use 500 century old designs. Not believable when you consider the advancements that have been made. I also don't think that you need to have Humanity immortal to keep various main characters alive. Cryo or Slipspace pods would do the trick just as well, and they already exist in the books.
1/5/2014 c2 EffervescentNova
The System Alliance's agreement to join the Citadel is not without strategic value. It allows you to observe your would be enemy, keep them close as well as learn more about the galaxy you inhabit. One could always withdraw from the Citadel at a later time. Obviously with the opportunity to join the Council much of the restrictions on Humanity's development would be lifted, and since none of the Council races have met all of the conditions of joining the Council until after being given a seat on the Council. Then when the Alliance meets all of the criteria (which they did in less than 50 years) the Council would have no choice but to grant them the privilege and responsibilty of a Council seat.
The System Alliance's agreement to join the Citadel is not without strategic value. It allows you to observe your would be enemy, keep them close as well as learn more about the galaxy you inhabit. One could always withdraw from the Citadel at a later time. Obviously with the opportunity to join the Council much of the restrictions on Humanity's development would be lifted, and since none of the Council races have met all of the conditions of joining the Council until after being given a seat on the Council. Then when the Alliance meets all of the criteria (which they did in less than 50 years) the Council would have no choice but to grant them the privilege and responsibilty of a Council seat.
1/5/2014 c7 8ThemyThink
Well im a biologist in training and even I can see that your theory is physically impossible, it would take many billions of generations for the genes to reset to 'pure' if ever because something would remain even then and you cant be a pure human if lets say your dna has a strip of forerunner dna code. But well everyone can be wrong so yeah whatever.
8ThemyThinkWell im a biologist in training and even I can see that your theory is physically impossible, it would take many billions of generations for the genes to reset to 'pure' if ever because something would remain even then and you cant be a pure human if lets say your dna has a strip of forerunner dna code. But well everyone can be wrong so yeah whatever.
1/4/2014 c4 Naidoga
Uh...loved the chapter but you pasted the story twice.
just thought you should know
Uh...loved the chapter but you pasted the story twice.
just thought you should know