Just In
for None Shall Find Us Wanting

9/3/2013 c3 Bruno
very good story, it is interesting to see a 40k character like a space marine not killing everything around him and dealing with more common situations, like romance, it is really an unexplored side of the 40k characters and i think that is very difficult to put such ones in these "awkward" situations given their sole warlike tendencies , but i really think its a very good story, they should make more of this kind, to vary a little bit from the wars and massacres. Good one i'll be waiting for the next chapter
10/10/2012 c1 Mobius 1 - ISAF 118th Squadron
Ah, so this is your new pet project. I like it so far, definitely has great potential. This first chapter is definitely longer than the first chapter of Demon Hero and Vampire. This Aramus fellow, a space marine correct? Seems like a pretty complex fellow with a hell of a chip on his shoulder (just described 70% of most men in the world, myself included), should also prove to be interesting later on.

Though would it hurt you to perhaps break down some of those long paragraphs into smaller groups of sentences? Just easier on the eyes but perhaps that's just the perspective of my new HD monitor. In any event, very nicely done!
10/9/2012 c1 6SakuraLee91
I like the opening that is in italics. It really draws the reader in because I find myself wanting to know what was it that led to that event and who he is exactly. Capturing the readers' attentions and then jumping into the past to explain what led to it is a good move in this situation: war. I am a big lover of details and so I really loved all the extras you threw in about titles, history, etc. However, this type of detail is also a bit overwhelming, especially if the reader isn't as well versed in military levels of power or the two games you are using in the cross-over. And with so much information thrown at me so close together it was a bit hard to read and keep information straight as I read it without having to go back over it and re-read portions of it. I think another thing that would help is if you broke up the paragraphs a bit. Multiple smaller paragraphs are easier to read, they flow better, don't seem as daunting and they have the added benefit of making your story appear longer. There were some slight grammar mistakes and some repetition of words but it was all minor. Story wise I find the plot really interesting. I really want to know what happens to him on his journey and how he manages in the end.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service