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for Suicide by Star

11/20/2012 c1 Blackish
Wow, that was a lot of words. I liked how much of the personality and background of the characters was packed into a one-shot. It's kind of tragic, being killed in a training session before you can actually face the enemy you've been training for.

While I like the intensity of Foxtrot's narration, I think it's too wordy, especially in the beginning as you're describing the appearances of the characters. A giant paragraph describing every scar on his pelt is just not necessary, and it comes off as vain on the part of the narrator. Also, the word 'pockmark' is generally only used to describe scars from acne. You're saying that they're covered in acne scars.

There's also the question of why. Why would he let himself almost kill her, resulting in her turning against him, after he's spent so much time raising and training her?
11/12/2012 c1 9Prin Pardus
So amazing
So beautiful
Like I have a Star Thing in that I love anything that has to do with stars and the imagery of them and I already love Astral to pieces just because of her name but this was so fantastic even beyond that. It just came together super duper awesomely well, and you are superb.

I love their descriptions, especially hers; she's all battle-scarred, but still powerful and proud. She really is a lil gamecock and I'm super-excited to see more of her psychology and stuff. It'll be so goood.

Their shifts - his especially - from smooth talkers to primitive animals is fascinating. I love the speech Astral gives to Shackle; I don't know how he'd respond to it, coming from such a little thing. He'd definitely underestimate her, and that might prove disastrous when things eventually come to a head.

It's equally interesting how easy it seems to stump her, just by doing something differently; she might not be as prepared as Foxy thinks, by the time she has to face the big dogs, if she has trouble adapting. Shaq won't be an opponent like she's used to, and Mael's completely different from him, so she'll have a hard time taking them now. I am excite!

And then. Dude. They just go apeshit on each other, grabbing each other by the throats. It's crazy, but kinda poetic in a way, because they're both so similarly self-destructive. That'll be their downfalls even if they could trump Mael and Shaq; Foxy's done toooo good a job molding her into what he desires, and when it come down to it, he might not be able to bring her down once she's finished.

And then, the end, when they're just waiting for the other...seriously powerful stuff. I love all the imagery, the similes packed all over the place. There are tons of 'em throughout, and it just makes the scene seem so much more real and vibrant. Really super-duper.

Like I said when I first read it, this is awesome. It's got that crazy action in there but also has a sense of tragedy, poetry even as the two of them tear each other apart. It's incredibly powerful stuff, Shady-lass. I loved it. Amazing job.
10/14/2012 c1 Spitfyre20
Whoa, intense... Yet amazing...
You are an unbelievable writer. Keep at it!

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