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5/30/2013 c5 11The Unknowing Herald
Sooooooo... I guess this story is discountinued, but I must ask, is this, you know, canon towards your new one? Okay, not "canon" but, is much of it going to inspire it?

Anyway, I won't lie that I read this for Rinoa as there is... let's just say "no shortness" of Squally in the KH fandom and you did her really well in her happy, bubbly but not completely annoying (Rikku, Selphie, Yuffie, Penelo, I'm looking at you!) self. You even got in Angelo! Major dog-lover here, so yeah.

Anyway, there isn't much I can say to a story that was supposedly just begining other than... it was fun while it lasted.
11/16/2012 c1 215WishingDreamer5
I really like the pace of this story and for a first chapter, I think you made it really interesting. My favorite part was by far the fighting scene of Leon (and the conversation he had with Aerith afterwards).
There were some minor errors here and there, like no space between certain words (or the other way around) or forgetting to add a comma, like here:
"As he turned back towards the living areas, he was muttering to himself about an upcoming meeting."
But if you re-read your work, you'll probably catch them easily.
Secondly, I think that when you use this "-" there should be a space between the symbol and the next (and previous!) word, otherwise people will read "Merlin-more" as one word.
To be honest, I don't really have much advice to give you, because it already looks great the way it is now. The characterization was eerily good and I kinda like your sense of humor and the way you portray Merlin (since he's the trickiest with his language). The only thing that slightly bothered me was Leon's reaction when he heard that the name on the envelope was "Squall Leonhart." It seemed to me that he became aware of everything far too quickly, instead of thinking that it was one of Yuffie's "childish" pranks. After all, it wouldn't be the first time she'd call him Squall. But I guess that's more of a personal opinion than an advice.
One more thing I'd like to add: sometimes, it might be better to make shorter sentences, like here:
"Once settled at the table, Merlin flicked his staff to make the tableware and his newly-added potbellied stove prepare a hot, steaming kettle of Earl Gray tea, opening the first letter."
Here, it sounds like he's flicking his staff and opening the first letter at the same time and imagining that is kinda weird. You could avoid it by putting the word "before" instead of "and."
Other than that, this looks very promising and I had fun reading the first chapter! Good luck and keep up the great work. :)
11/9/2012 c5 81Rhino7
And now the gang has been reunited. The comment about Zell and Zack meeting was funny. Seeing Leon go into 'Commander Mode' is always fun to read. I'm really interested to see where this story goes as far as what Rinoa and her group were up to all those years. It seemed a little ambitious for Rinoa to mentally refer to Leon as her boyfriend so soon after being separated for over ten years, but I guess that speaks for her character :)

I really hope to see this reunion not taken lightly; that ten years of separation can create huge gaps between people. Ten years is a long time, and they've all changed since they last saw each other. It'll be interesting to read where you take this story. :)
11/9/2012 c4 Rhino7
Sweet chapter. It was nice to see Rinoa doing the saving instead of being saved. I was really impressed with the very effective intro of the Ragnarok. The way you wrote it gave it a very ominous presence in the chapter, very nice.

One of my little pet peeves was in this chapter though: when a character assumes that another character is dead without checking for a pulse. Not a big detractor, but it just irks me in stories. My only other note is that, while the descriptions were very well done, they were almost too perfect. Everything so far has described Leon and the others as bold, strong, powerful, and beautiful, which is all true and good, but you might want to balance all of that positive out with some of their less attractive features. All of these characters have flaws and weaknesses and (some very severe) shortcomings. Integrating those aspects in with the positives really fleshes a character out and makes him/her more connectable to readers, in my opinion.

I'm really enjoying this story so far. Can't wait to see how Rinoa's return is dealt with :)
11/9/2012 c3 Rhino7
As a detail junkie, I really enjoyed this chapter. Seeing elements of FFVII in there with the FFVIII was interesting to read. I really wasn't expecting Ragnarok to show up in this story, and there's even a bit of a cliffhanger. Nice job.
11/8/2012 c2 Rhino7
Aw, Cid. His surliness is always good for flavor in a story. Again, you write fight scenes very well. Using special characters in place of swear words was a little distracting, but it didn't hurt anything.
11/8/2012 c1 Rhino7
This first chapter has the story off to a great start. I loved the tie-ins to the Final Fantasy games. I also really enjoyed Aerith's fight scene. A lot of writers tend to forget that she IS a warrior and often write her as a weak damsel. So that was really great to see. Your characterization is spot on, and all of the dialogue and actions were smoothly fit into the story. The way you write descriptions is very clear and well done. It all flowed very nicely.
11/5/2012 c5 18M. L. Ayala
I absolutely love what you have for this story so far! You've done a great job writing it, and I can't wait to see what happens next.
Whenever you're ready to post the next chapter, you can send it to me through DocX and I'll look it over and fix any errors that I find, if you'd like. I try to return documents with a few days, but sometimes it takes me a bit longer (because of stupid college assignments :/ )
I read the description for the other stories that you are planning, and they sound really interesting, too. If you want me to beta them for you, feel free to send any chapters to me through DocX.
11/5/2012 c4 M. L. Ayala
Very sweet ending! I love Rinoa, she's my favorite FFVIII character :)
11/5/2012 c3 M. L. Ayala
I like the way that you're integrating all of the FFVII and FFVIII characters and events into this story. I haven't seen anyone bring so many characters (or even just mention them) into the KH universe in a single story, so that's impressive all on its own.
A couple little grammatical errors here and there, nothing major.
11/5/2012 c2 M. L. Ayala
Again, awesome battle scene. I've got to admit, I'm kind of jealous, lol, I'm horrible at writing fight scenes that last more than a paragraph or two.
11/5/2012 c1 M. L. Ayala
This is a nice start! The fight scene with Aerith was very well written, and I could picture it without any problems XD
There were a few minor grammar issues (and when I saw 'few,' I mean like, no more than 4 or 5, and they weren't very noticeable), everything else in this chapter was great.

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