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12/27/2012 c1 The Lesbian of Reason
That was confusing. And irrelevant to your summary. Please, learn how to use grammar. Colloquialisms usually don't fit well in stories, unless it's in dialogue (duh.) or if it's narrated by the character in first person. It looks unprofessional else wise. That little ditty at the beginning? Where you talk to your split personalities that you don't actually have but pretend to because you like being unique? Don't do that. It's unprofessional and blatantly bullsh!t. Let's also not do that thing where you PM me about me saying you don't, insisting you do and how my review is just because I'm jealous or something. I'm not. I am, however, a bit mad that you're making a mockery of a serious mental illness. I'm getting off track here. Take a Mary Sue Litmus Test for all of your characters, because you really need to, especially with the femme fatal thing you have going with Phoenix.
Fix it, try again.
12/1/2012 c1 Jesus and his Lawyers
Claire the Logic Fairy here, with a new shiny computer and a crap load of critique! Just when you though you'd seen the last of me!

So, let's start off with this "Guy's, I totes have a split personality. AIN'T I UNIQUE!?" That's bullsh!t, and it makes you sound like a moron. First of all, MPD hasn't been proven to be an actual disorder and you certainly don't have it. Even if you took the "Claire, like chill, it's a joke to me speshul." route with this it still sounds f#cking stupid.

Is there any particular reason that you like to put your obvious self-glorification inserts in all of your stories? Is that really necessary? I'll answer that for you, it's not. First with Cat, who is a horrible Mary Sue, then this "Phoenix" person who has literally no character at all. What's the point of that? Were you just tired of acting like you cared anymore and just became a balls out troll?

Obviously, this "Penny" chick is a stand in for somebody you're p!ssed at. To that I say: REALLY? It's not bad enough that you feel the need to create a horrible Mary Sue character, but now you want her to live out your creepy sado-masochistic control fantasies? That's...well, that's pretty sick actually.

You obviously are trying to make yourself (because who are we kidding, this is a shameless self insert) seem cool and badas$. It's not working. I suggest you stop before somebody admits you into either the Special Ed class or the Psych Ward.

Let's talk plot for a second, yeah? What the Hell did I just read. No, seriously, I didn't get any of that. Granted, some of it was the terrible grammar, but seriously: So Shameless Self Insert (SSI) punches Penny, then tries to buy alcohal, then drinks some coke. Then she leaves. The End. Uh...wut.

Grammar is awful. Spell/grammar check is free and useful. I strongly suggest it.

-Claire: Logic Fairy

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