for Forward Thinking3/28 c1 mireille099
Hi, I am Mireille Parsons. Your story is truly captivating! The way you bring the characters and world to life is nothing short of brilliant. I was completely immersed in every moment, feeling every emotion as if I were right there. Your storytelling is a gift, and I absolutely loved every bit of it. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful experience!.,
Hi, I am Mireille Parsons. Your story is truly captivating! The way you bring the characters and world to life is nothing short of brilliant. I was completely immersed in every moment, feeling every emotion as if I were right there. Your storytelling is a gift, and I absolutely loved every bit of it. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful experience!.,
3/15/2015 c2 
1Chiron2060
While I didn't like the random OC insert, you managed to make the OC interesting enough and okay I guess. Other interactions between characters are all good, besides Kirei.
I don't know, he just feels a bit bland, and less schadenfreude, he seems much less menacing a character. More like a slightly annoying guardian. Rin's character felt much smoother. I'll keep reading this story if just to see how Shirou develops.
1Chiron2060While I didn't like the random OC insert, you managed to make the OC interesting enough and okay I guess. Other interactions between characters are all good, besides Kirei.
I don't know, he just feels a bit bland, and less schadenfreude, he seems much less menacing a character. More like a slightly annoying guardian. Rin's character felt much smoother. I'll keep reading this story if just to see how Shirou develops.
4/12/2013 c2 Error Name not found
I find a lot of sentence fragments in your work. The story and plot is interesting, but it's hard to enjoy it with.
Every other sentence ending. Super shortly. Like, This.
See if you can get it to flow better.
For instance,
Original: Finding out that the man you idolized and vowed to emulate was a cold blooded killer tends to rattle most people. Finding out that he was part of a secret war that ultimately destroyed the better part of the town you lived in would push nearly anybody over the top.
Finding out the man that you idolized and vowed to emulate was a murderer would rattle most people, and finding out that he was part of a secret war that ultimately destroyed part of the town would push almost anyone over the top.
See how it kinda flows better. Without so many periods. Breaking up everything? :P
Just a bit of constructive criticism, ignore me if you feel like it.
Again, I really liked the story.
I find a lot of sentence fragments in your work. The story and plot is interesting, but it's hard to enjoy it with.
Every other sentence ending. Super shortly. Like, This.
See if you can get it to flow better.
For instance,
Original: Finding out that the man you idolized and vowed to emulate was a cold blooded killer tends to rattle most people. Finding out that he was part of a secret war that ultimately destroyed the better part of the town you lived in would push nearly anybody over the top.
Finding out the man that you idolized and vowed to emulate was a murderer would rattle most people, and finding out that he was part of a secret war that ultimately destroyed part of the town would push almost anyone over the top.
See how it kinda flows better. Without so many periods. Breaking up everything? :P
Just a bit of constructive criticism, ignore me if you feel like it.
Again, I really liked the story.
11/26/2012 c2 2Aviman12
When will the next chapter come out. You should try to make a chapter once a week or month.
2Aviman12When will the next chapter come out. You should try to make a chapter once a week or month.
11/24/2012 c2 okchapterposter
Well it looks like Shirou might have some interesting talents, skills and allies(and perhaps do it without Gil noticing) for the HGW.
Bad things; Shirou gets up at like 5am, and Rin went to a different school than Shirou til they were 15. These may be minor things but they do make people question the author's knowledge, so perhaps change these sections now.
Good things; its well wrote, good characterisation, OC seems interesting and its rather humorous.
Well it looks like Shirou might have some interesting talents, skills and allies(and perhaps do it without Gil noticing) for the HGW.
Bad things; Shirou gets up at like 5am, and Rin went to a different school than Shirou til they were 15. These may be minor things but they do make people question the author's knowledge, so perhaps change these sections now.
Good things; its well wrote, good characterisation, OC seems interesting and its rather humorous.
11/19/2012 c1 Piterio
That rather interesting beginning of story. Can't say anything specific but i looking forward to what comes of it.
That rather interesting beginning of story. Can't say anything specific but i looking forward to what comes of it.
11/17/2012 c1 Rydan fall
Since Shirou seems to only be able to learn the basics and even then having his limits, he would now have a good change to be furture along on the correct way of magecraft.
Which means that his circuits would't be that bad and he might even have overloaded several ones quite a few times, to just have Avalon repairing them without him knowing this.
Archer knows reinforment, projection and tracing.
This is furture added to by their off-shots like alteration, unlocking and restoration.
Since Shirou would now get proper training (well, proper...), he would be furture along this part and considering Archer's alteration is centered on his projections and Shirou's new guardian is from a enchanters clan, I can see a off-shot happening.
Diamonds can be made, diamonts like the Hope Diamond can conduct electrical current.
If the proces of creation can be controled enough, diamond based computers become possible and way more stuff then just a motherboard.
It's my believe that nBSG it's BioCylons have diamond based bones that are optical processors based on a human brain, while also being solide state hard-drives and so.
This makes the insertion of those fiberglass cables into their arms in order to hack computers, actualy possible, togeter with nobody noticing the strangeness of their body structure.
As for Shirou being in danger of getting a sealing designation, it isn't because of his marble or something like that.
O no, it's because they are afraid he can do to their workshops and libriaries, what he can do with swords and so.
Basicaly, they are afraid he is the ultimate spy and/or thief.
Do hope that Shirou reads manga's like this one.
: slash slash mangafox dot me slash manga slash mahou_sensei_negima slash v19 slash c170 slash 4 dot htm : slash slash mangafox dot me slash manga slash mahou_sensei_negima slash v08 slash c063 slash 11 dot htm : slash slash mangafox dot me slash manga slash mahou_sensei_negima slash v26 slash c239 slash 9 dot html
If only for the training ground look, but it could also be used as a way to store libriaries withing his marble without looking out of place.
Also do hope he has read Magical Lyrical Girl Nanoha as well, the Devices might be someting for him to want to create, especialy if they/it can act as a universal crest, mana battery, libriary/notebook, mobile ward-stone and amplifier.
Anyway, till the next time.
Since Shirou seems to only be able to learn the basics and even then having his limits, he would now have a good change to be furture along on the correct way of magecraft.
Which means that his circuits would't be that bad and he might even have overloaded several ones quite a few times, to just have Avalon repairing them without him knowing this.
Archer knows reinforment, projection and tracing.
This is furture added to by their off-shots like alteration, unlocking and restoration.
Since Shirou would now get proper training (well, proper...), he would be furture along this part and considering Archer's alteration is centered on his projections and Shirou's new guardian is from a enchanters clan, I can see a off-shot happening.
Diamonds can be made, diamonts like the Hope Diamond can conduct electrical current.
If the proces of creation can be controled enough, diamond based computers become possible and way more stuff then just a motherboard.
It's my believe that nBSG it's BioCylons have diamond based bones that are optical processors based on a human brain, while also being solide state hard-drives and so.
This makes the insertion of those fiberglass cables into their arms in order to hack computers, actualy possible, togeter with nobody noticing the strangeness of their body structure.
As for Shirou being in danger of getting a sealing designation, it isn't because of his marble or something like that.
O no, it's because they are afraid he can do to their workshops and libriaries, what he can do with swords and so.
Basicaly, they are afraid he is the ultimate spy and/or thief.
Do hope that Shirou reads manga's like this one.
: slash slash mangafox dot me slash manga slash mahou_sensei_negima slash v19 slash c170 slash 4 dot htm : slash slash mangafox dot me slash manga slash mahou_sensei_negima slash v08 slash c063 slash 11 dot htm : slash slash mangafox dot me slash manga slash mahou_sensei_negima slash v26 slash c239 slash 9 dot html
If only for the training ground look, but it could also be used as a way to store libriaries withing his marble without looking out of place.
Also do hope he has read Magical Lyrical Girl Nanoha as well, the Devices might be someting for him to want to create, especialy if they/it can act as a universal crest, mana battery, libriary/notebook, mobile ward-stone and amplifier.
Anyway, till the next time.