for pokemon experiment incident1/4/2013 c2 darkpurplefang
(Please don't read this in a mean or harsh tone. I'm just an avid writer and I'm just trying to help. :D)
One thing I noticed right off the bat - you switch from present tense to past tense in too close of a proximity. You also seem to have trouble staying in one particular tense. You're telling a story of the past. Keep it in past tense. It should only be present when the person says something. (It's a basic lesson in any writing class.) I'm not sure if your first language is English or not, but I suggest sticking to your first language when writing. If English IS your first language you really need a refresher course or at least get a good editor.
The very first sentence is a run-on. Which is not good. Commas are used to combine similar topics in a sentence. The first portion should read:
The day began like normal. I woke up to my alarm clock and went to have breakfast. Then I go to my research lab and continue my work on the gate portal.
But if I were the author of this story, I would have put way more into it, like this:
It began like any other day. I'd wake up after my obnoxious alarm that was set at 6am. It would make a constant "PIKA-PI" noise - as it resembled an adorable Pikachu that was holding the little alarm in its paws. Still dreary I got my usual breakfast of jelly-smothered toast. Once I finished I would take a quick shower and brush my teeth. And, just like any other morning, head out the door and go to my research lab to continue my study of the Gate Portal. But that day turned out to be not so normal after my familiar routine.
Sometimes more is better. Don't be afraid to put TONS of detail. Remember: Show. Don't tell. Always hook your audience in the first paragraph.
Also, don't forget your capitalization and spelling. I see a ton of sentences that start with a lower-case letter. And that's a huge turn off for people who want to read. I suggest proof reading anything before you post. It's okay to go back and read things. (I always do, even when I post comments.) Re-checking your work is always beneficial. Don't be so eager to post before it's ready to see the world. :)
It's a good idea, but you really need to flesh out your writing before I continue this story personally. Best of luck!
(Please don't read this in a mean or harsh tone. I'm just an avid writer and I'm just trying to help. :D)
One thing I noticed right off the bat - you switch from present tense to past tense in too close of a proximity. You also seem to have trouble staying in one particular tense. You're telling a story of the past. Keep it in past tense. It should only be present when the person says something. (It's a basic lesson in any writing class.) I'm not sure if your first language is English or not, but I suggest sticking to your first language when writing. If English IS your first language you really need a refresher course or at least get a good editor.
The very first sentence is a run-on. Which is not good. Commas are used to combine similar topics in a sentence. The first portion should read:
The day began like normal. I woke up to my alarm clock and went to have breakfast. Then I go to my research lab and continue my work on the gate portal.
But if I were the author of this story, I would have put way more into it, like this:
It began like any other day. I'd wake up after my obnoxious alarm that was set at 6am. It would make a constant "PIKA-PI" noise - as it resembled an adorable Pikachu that was holding the little alarm in its paws. Still dreary I got my usual breakfast of jelly-smothered toast. Once I finished I would take a quick shower and brush my teeth. And, just like any other morning, head out the door and go to my research lab to continue my study of the Gate Portal. But that day turned out to be not so normal after my familiar routine.
Sometimes more is better. Don't be afraid to put TONS of detail. Remember: Show. Don't tell. Always hook your audience in the first paragraph.
Also, don't forget your capitalization and spelling. I see a ton of sentences that start with a lower-case letter. And that's a huge turn off for people who want to read. I suggest proof reading anything before you post. It's okay to go back and read things. (I always do, even when I post comments.) Re-checking your work is always beneficial. Don't be so eager to post before it's ready to see the world. :)
It's a good idea, but you really need to flesh out your writing before I continue this story personally. Best of luck!