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for Walk This Way

12/15/2012 c5 7ubetiburn
I really wanted to read and continue this story past this point. My want could not defeat the spelling errors, the incomplete sentences and half-assed chapters. For instance Sirius is spelled wrong (every time) which is the name of a main character. Second you mention, in the chapter where Harry gets the rings to his family, Harry using wandless magic. Nowhere did I see any magic being used. Griphook put the rings on the table and Harry put them on. Where is the wandless magic that Griphook states is rare or unusual or some such...

You introduce your own individual characters yet there is no back story or information regarding them. In this chapter you have him taking NEWTS but never mention or had him take his OWLS which are to be taken BEFORE the NEWTS. You used this as the first line in a paragraph after a Chapter break. What does it mean? "A few days after telling all his allies about his changes it made them question him but understood what it needed." Why did it take so long to think about what he told them? WHAT did he tell them? What did IT need? What is the 'IT'?

I am sure that it is not just me. I am just the one that is saying something.

Add Sirius to your word processors dictionary. Set it to automatically correct it for you. We are not you. Just because you have the information does not mean that we do, give us back stories, flashbacks, information. Re-do the chapters that you have posted, expand upon what you have written correct the errors, look for or ask for beta help. It is sad that out of 15 chapters I could not fully read 1/3rd of them.

I am not trying to flame you or be an a$$hole, it's just if you are going to go through the trouble of writing a story do it to the best of your ability.

The simple structure and writing detracts from the story.

I would also like to mention that you have two posters (Starter and Rebellious One) that are similar to mine. 15 Chapters and only 20 reviews. These (mine and the ones listed by them as well as their comments) are part of the reason that the story is lacking in reviews, favorites and follows.

Best of luck to you in your writing adventure. Maybe someday in the future I will find your story again and maybe it will be better.
12/13/2012 c14 1RebeliousOne
Well done again. I loved how Harry set up Lucy for information as well as having him give Voldie false information about him if he is a problem with a whole soul. I adore Dobby so I think it is so cute how he is bonded to Harry and his team and how the girls especially treat him.
12/13/2012 c13 189Luiz4200
I like it when Harry wonders why Molly would be so loud about that after all those years taking children to the Platform.
12/13/2012 c13 1RebeliousOne
Brilliant! Why Dumbles thinks that Harry will be there is beyond me. It was obviously a trap for Harry and I love how it turned out to be the thing that clued Mione in on the Weasleys. Ravenclaw would be perfect for her and I can see why you want her there since that is the only house that does not have enemies and is respected by all. Even the snakes will not give her a hard time since she is a halfblood who knows about wizarding customs. I can hardly wait to see how she carries out her mission. By the way, I am so glad that Mione is an unspeakable as well.
12/12/2012 c12 189Luiz4200
Harry thought that his new plan was going to be ok.

Don't you mean "Dumbledore" instead of "Harry"? Other than that, good chapter.
12/12/2012 c12 1RebeliousOne
he he Dumbles reactions was priceless. It will be interesting to see what Dumbles fate will be since I have a hard time believing that he will leave Harry alone.

It was also good to see how Harry and team responded after the death of one of their own. It is clear that they made themselves much stronger for it and I am glad that no one else died the last three years.

I am also glad that Mione is playing an important role. Will she be offered a chance to be an unspeakable as a spy since she has been doing that anyway?
12/11/2012 c4 7Starter
Another tip also for chapter 3, the spelling for the bank's name is, I believe, Gringotts instead of Greengots. Harry's godfather is also named Sirius instead of the similarly pronounced serious; which is usually done for the joke. Also a minor spelling error in this chapter in the paragraph for the explaining on which contact he's meeting, it is more appropriate to use the the word 'have' in the sentence 'You ... the Tal clan, ...' because what you're trying to portray is which clans are available currently and not something in the past. Transportation in the HP-verse is also known as; floo and not flu, apparate and not apporate, and finally portkey. And it seems you sometimes mixed up the use of past tense with present, again, like when you describe Alucard's clothing using was instead of is. You should also change the result of Cullen's death with the sentence, "a bunch of girls on the side, crying for the death of something beautiful. Of course you should also do some checking on your own and aside from the mistakes you made the story does have potential especially if you do a little fixing here and there.
12/11/2012 c3 Starter
A little tip for your previous chapter, you can change the part where you write "... persona of don't care and hell raiser." with something like; say, 'mask of an apathetic rebel' or 'rebellious persona that has no care of others.' it will fit in better and makes more sense in what you're trying to convey. Also you can maybe provide explanation on how Harry knows he's famous when his source of information on the wizarding world is based on Tom Riddles memory which does not account the fact of events pass the day of the failed attack on Harry, like in the authors note or something
12/11/2012 c2 Starter
Nice start for your story, but try not to do self-insert in the main story, it kinda makes the reader go ballistic. That part of the story should've been made as a side story instead, or sometimes called 'omake' that way it doesn't confused the hell out of readers but still let's you as a writer write what you want. Otherwise the story is quite okay, though it seems a little OP.
12/11/2012 c11 1RebeliousOne
First, I loved that Harry is not all about his job. I am glad that he visited Any, Tonks, Siri, Mione and Rose in the beginning of this chapter. Harry's ability to love is a strength and the only thing that Dumbles was right about.

YES! That meeting with Luna was wonderful. They would be perfect for eachother when they get older. I am glad that they will remain in contact. I almost pity the fools that will bully her in Hogwarts. With Luna being a seer, I am sure she will give Harry warning when she sees something that has to do with him. I am glad that Harry is keeping it a secret since the government would use her if they knew.

It is sad that they lost a teammate. Again, Harry is a great leader that inspired his team to train harder in Will's memory. After all, the stronger they are, the safer they are.
12/11/2012 c10 RebeliousOne
I loved it. The mission was well done and original as well. You went into details and I was at the edge of my seat. Clearly Harry is a great leader since he cares for his teammates opinions and at the end of the mission he made sure they were OK with having to kill.
12/9/2012 c8 RebeliousOne
Another enjoyable chapter. :) I love how you will have Harry learn things that even Voldie does not know as well as getting used to teamwork. In canon Harry thought it was all up to him and it was his fault if someone died. I can not see Harry taking responsibilty for such things here. While he would be devasted if he lost a teammate, I do not see him blaming himself like he did in canon either. Also, I can hardly wait to see the differences that will happen when Mione goes to Hogwarts.
12/9/2012 c8 Belthazor2
ridiculous storyline and incoherent time line makes it a hard read...
12/8/2012 c7 RebeliousOne
This story is getting better and better. It has much more flow as well as bringing in canon character completely different from canon. I hope that Harry's allies with creatures will make his enemies think twice before going after him. After all, these new laws was his idea.
12/8/2012 c6 RebeliousOne
This chapter was even better than the last. I loved that meeting. It showed us how nonhumans are treated unlike canon except for werewolves and even then they were seen as beasts except for Remus. It is clear that the political power will be shifted dramitically from canon since Lucious and Dumbles will not be nearly as influential. I am also glad that the unspeakables have plans for Dumbles since he will obviously do anything to get Harry under his thumb.
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