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for Left Only With The Memories of Him

5/1/2013 c1 51Darksknight
Okay, for starters, you had a really strong beginning. It flowed well, it was worded almost perfectly, and everything lead up into the next thing smoothly.
Then it gets a little bit complicated. You rush through to try to get to the end of the story, trying to cram as much detail as you can into each moment you do chose to focus on. This would be okay, but you don't take the time to eloquently write out how it all looked, and smelt, and felt, even though you could have.
A couple of spots you were going, going, going- you just kept up with the flow of your writing. But then you would throw in a litteral term that would stop the flow like a smack to the face. For instance, "Rangiku felt the deep sense of betrayal when he left her." This is an OK sentence, to be fair. However, seeing how well you write in other spots, it would be fair to say that this is not the best you could have done. Rather than coming right out and saying how she felt, you would do better to completely pull in the reader and SHOW us how she felt.
This is all leading up to the end of your story, where we get to the whole point of the thing. You skim through everything up into that moment- if I were you I would add more details and draw it out a little longer. Then, you just suddenly end it. There was no easy transition from the introduction to the end- it just happened. And when it did happen, you didn't let your readers savor the moment as much as they could have. Furthermore, you loose allot of your poetic-like wording as soon as you get to the ending. You just state the facts, and tell us what happened.
Lastly, you end with an almost-open story. "Ever since" implies that you are skipping over a lot that has happened since then, and just really leaves the story open with no sense of formality. You could do better to wrap it up with things happening in that moment, not like you are telling the tale from the future. Give us more imagery- the feel of the whole situation. Also, you leave a lot of plot-holes. Why was Gin there? What exactly happened? She hit him because she was drunk, yes, but how? Was Gin trying to stop her? Did he just happen to be passing through? Little things like that will leave your readers dis-satisfied.
Overall, though, despite all I have said, this really was a good story. You have a lot of potential in this- I think with some added work it could easily become simply perfect. Great job, and sorry if I came off as a little harsh. I really did enjoy reading this.

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